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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to get married first?

86 replies

MadInfoScientist · 07/08/2013 10:17

I know, it's an old chestnut, but it's keeping me awake at night!
DP and I have been together 5 years, living together for 3 years, engaged for just over 18 months. We are both 34; he was married once before (briefly), I've never been married.

Lately, DP has been feeling 'broody' (?), and wants to start trying for a baby starting now. I am not comfortable with this; though I am not really a traditional sort, I do want DP to make the committment to us as a couple first, and not just because we have a child together. DP is not at all marriage shy, he is just really keen on being a dad, which is lovely, but I guess I don't understand why we can't just have a nice, small wedding ceremony that's about us first, then start trying?! It's not as if I am dying for a huge wedding...the registry office with close friends and family will suit me just fine.

I know that some people view marriage as 'just a piece of paper', but still, it's important to me. I like the idea of saying our vows to each other in front of our closest friends and family, and commemorating that committment to each other. Anyway...he is lovely, and he's not pressuring me in a nasty way, but I feel like I'm letting him down. Am I being unreasonable??

OP posts:
TheCraicDealer · 07/08/2013 12:39

Hmm, if fertility is a concern then you could say, "ok, we'll start trying as soon as we book the registry office, for within the next six months". Then you might have a lovely little announcement to pop into the groom's/bride's speech Smile

Sallyingforth · 07/08/2013 12:42

It will only take couple of weeks to sort a registry office, have a big meal afterwards with the invitees, then off for a ttc-ing honeymoon. Done.
Exactly what DP and I are intending to do. We are not ready yet, but when we are it will be planned and done within a month.

MissDuke · 07/08/2013 12:56

My sil and her boyfriend were together for 8 years when he proposed out of the blue - they were married 3 months later. His father was very ill and he wanted his father to see them marry. His father died a few weeks after the wedding.

Let us know what oh says when you discuss it :-)

MissDuke · 07/08/2013 12:56

My sil and her boyfriend were together for 8 years when he proposed out of the blue - they were married 3 months later. His father was very ill and he wanted his father to see them marry. His father died a few weeks after the wedding.

Let us know what oh says when you discuss it :-)

OryxCrake · 07/08/2013 13:13

We did the tiny, registry-office thing and booked it around eight weeks before the actual ceremony (you have to do it a certain amount of time beforehand, but I can't remember how long).

So, if you wanted, you could arrange something small for the beginning of Autumn, with maybe a lovely celebration meal as others have said, and you can start ttc as a married couple.

If you want a bigger celebratory party with your family and friends, that doesn't necessarily have to be at the same time.

OryxCrake · 07/08/2013 13:15

Forgot to say YANBU - it's important to you and sorting the legalities is a sensible option (although we didn't get round to it until the DC had grown up!)

JRmumma · 07/08/2013 14:10

If you are engaged then why not just get married as soon as possible then try for a baby straight after? You only need to give 16 days notice (or something like that) so im sure your biological clock wont stop ticking in that space of time! Might not be quite what you had imagined as a wedding day, but at the same time doing it quickly so you can start a family is quite romantic. Its not like you are rushing into things though, seeing how long you have been together/engaged.

Im glad i got married before starting a family, your wedding wouldn't be the same with a small child in tow IMO.

Cakebaker35 · 07/08/2013 14:18

You've been engaged for 18 mo so have you spoken about a date? If not then crack on! As others have said, it really doesn't need to take ages to organise a wedding and I agree with others that if it is important to you to do this before having a family then you need a proper talk with your partner, if he's anything like mine he'll need it spelt out to him Smile

Sokmonsta · 07/08/2013 22:53

We booked and arranged our wedding in 2 weeks. That is the minimum amount of time you have to wait. If you're genuinely not fussed about a big day then I highly recommend this as the least stressful wedding. I didn't give two hoots that I had only immediate family and a few close friends, or that one of my aunts reaction to getting a 'we've tied the knot' card (so they knew I'd changed my name and nothing more) was to be offended she had not been invited and to bin the card. It was a bloody brilliant day and we were already out at a black tie do that night.

I always wanted to be married before having children. for me it didn't work out that way and dc 1&2 arrived before we could get married (dh had to divorce first!). Dc 3&4 (twins) arrived a year and a day later though.

Talk to your oh. If its a case of just doing it, it can be done really quite soon.

NoComet · 07/08/2013 23:12

Conceiving can take a while, so I would be tempted to do the two in parallel, if you get it right you won't be able to drink, but you will be able have a nice honeymoon.

And yes it's just a piece of paper, but it's a symbolic and a practical one. DFs got married last year after 20years together. He is a lot older and as he nears retirement it makes things far simpler. Also, I think, she wanted her dad see her married and secure. He brought her up, mum died when she was little.

They had a lovely quiet registry office wedding, tea and cake at dad's and a meal in a restaurant in the evening, very civilised.

ShadowMeltingInTheSun · 08/08/2013 00:57

Planning a wedding doesn't have to take long.

DH & I organised our wedding in 5 months, but you can do it in much less time if you're more bothered about the marriage than the wedding.

I think legally you have to give a registry office something like at least 2 or 3 weeks notice of your marriage, so if you found a venue (i.e. registry office!) & a registrar, you could be married within a month if you put your mind to it and you're not bothered about a fancy wedding.

And FWIW, I felt the same way as you about wanting to be married before having DC. It may just be "a bit of paper", but it's a pretty important bit of paper to have IMO.

Tubemole1 · 08/08/2013 01:08

Takes two weeks to get married. Bish bash bosh done. Drinks reception after, then use wedding night to make a baby.

Crass? Me? Wink Never.

valiumredhead · 08/08/2013 16:29

There's no way I would've had ds without being married first.

HappyMummyOfOne · 08/08/2013 17:09

I wouldnt have agreed to children without being married first. They are a huge commitment and need to be bought into a secure long relationship.

Wedding can be done in two weeks, no need to spend a huge amount of money on basically a party and matching colour scheme. The money could be far better spent on the children or mortgage.

runningonwillpower · 08/08/2013 17:18

This is a very personal point of view but I would not choose to have a baby with a man who didn't want to marry me.

And by 'want' I don't mean getting engaged. Getting engaged doesn't really mean a thing unless you get on with the getting married bit.

Original poster
MadInfoScientist · 09/08/2013 10:10

Hello!! I'm back, and thought I'd update you all! I am so glad I posted this thread...it was the kick up the backside I needed, and DP and I have had some great conversation over the last couple of days. I won't get into all the details...it would be the longest thread ever, but basically, we just weren't being very straightforward with each other, so we needed a good sit down.

So...we're getting married!! Woo hoo!! Going to the registry office with parents and our best mates on the 20th September, then having a party (at my parents' house) on the 21st to include all friends and extended family. I have no idea why on earth I waited so long to plan this...it was the easiest thing we've ever done!

So...thanks all, for making me see the insanity of our situation!! Grin
I'm a happy lady!

OP posts:
LRDYaDumayuShtoTiKrasiviy · 09/08/2013 10:12

Congratulations! Smile

Sounds as if things went very well.

Nagoo · 09/08/2013 10:16

FANTASTIC! Congratulations :)

Original poster
MadInfoScientist · 09/08/2013 10:17

Thank you, LRDY...can't believe I waited so long to do it...it was so easy! Hopefully, I'll be back a year from now desperate for baby advice! Grin

OP posts:
namechangeforthispost864269 · 09/08/2013 10:18

awww congratulations op what a lovely update. wishing you and your dp all the best :-)

Trills · 09/08/2013 10:25

Congratulations!

JRmumma · 09/08/2013 10:37

Fab news! Congratulations!

CSIJanner · 09/08/2013 10:46

Yay!! Am watching this thread so I can throw some virtual confetti Grin

Sallyingforth · 09/08/2013 11:11

Very happy for you! Now get busy on making babies...

redexpat · 09/08/2013 11:19

A lot of venues will offer a last minute deal, so you could easily plan within a month, assuming hte registrar is available that day.