to want less talk about Golden Boy?

[FrauMoose]

I've gradually realised that I find my elderly mother's talk about one of her great-nephews - her sister's grandchild - very irritating. My mother has at least a couple of other great-nephews and a great-niece, although this particular one 'Golden Boy' was the first arrival of the new generation. My two brothers have no children. I have two stepchildren - who my mother never asks me about - and a daughter who is two younger than Golden Boy. (So my daughter is my mother's sole biological grandchild.)

Both my husband and I were quite academically inclined. We're both really aware of a tendency to over-value exam results etc, and just tend to praise anything our children - both from his earlier marriage and our own relationship - have done which has showed initiative, commitment etc.

So for us it wasn't that much of a big deal that our daughter gained a place at a selective school. However last year when she got a string of very high grades in her GCSEs, my mother started acting rather oddly. For example inn her phonecall afterwards to my daughter she made rather a a particular point of focusing her questions on the single module in which she scored less highly.

And ever since then when visiting there has been a steady stream of comments on/news about Golden Boy. Golden Boy has done so well in his AS levels. Golden Boy is predicted to do so well in his A-levels. Golden Boy has had offers from every single one of the Universities he has applied to.

I find it particularly weird because my mother - who even when younger was extremely bad about leaving her own home - has never ever met Golden Boy. It is probably several decades since she met her niece, Golden Boy's mother. I have only met Golden Boy - and his brother who my Mum never mentions at all - once about ten years ago, so it is not is if I can be expected to have an all-consuming interest in the lad.

I feel it is some peculiar kind of dig. Although I've only ever mentioned stuff like my daughter's school results when specifically asked it's as if she's saying, 'Don't think your daughter is anything special, because actually Golden Boy is the best.'

Any thoughts?

Ignore it!

Your dd probably makes her too aware of her own (perceived) lack of achievement. I wonder if Golden Boy's achievements are over-emphasised also because he is male, and that makes her feel better.

Yes, I think male achievement is certainly something to be 'bigged up'.

Whereas females should not be encouraged to think well of themselves.

She goes on like this about a relative she's never even met? Bizarre.

I would suggest just ignoring and changing the subject apart from one thing. If you are sure she deliberately tried to highlight the one exam your daughter scored poorly on, that is awful, awful behaviour, which I would find hard to forgive. I would have called her up on it and told her in no uncertain terms to cut it out or you would be keeping your daughter away from her in future for her own sake.

I think it is probably a bit on my mind because my mother who doesn't take a great deal of interest in the details of her grand-daughter's life has particularly asked my child to phone her, when the next - final - batch of GCSE results comes through a bit later this month.

I don't particularly want my daughter to do this, as I think my mother is likely to focus in on any subject/s which don't receive the very highest grade. (And they don't talk on the phone on a regular basis, so it wouldn't just be part of their habitual chat.)

So I'll probably just email my mother with the set of results instead. (We're off on holiday the following day, so any conversations are then likely to take place at a rather later stage.)

E-mail. Arm's length. Toxic.

Shyer main topic of conversation is a boy aged about 18 that she has never ever met?!?

That's sort of heart breaking when you think about it.

Agree with email though. The one good thing about having relatives who don't bother with you is that you don't have to bother with them!

Ignore. My mum is brill at this sort of thing, playing family off. My s

My son is quite bright and well spoken. He must get it from my fil. My niece, who I'm actually very fond of, is doing fine in her preg because she is so YOUNG (I was an older mum). My sister has got lovely straight hair, it is soooo much nicer than curly hair (I use straighteners on mine). Women who don't have girls are not as good as women who have boys (3 guesses what sex my kids are). It goes on and on. Just ignore it, it is almost certainly down to jealousy.

Dear lord, OP, don't fall into the trap of presenting your mother with your daughter's exam results as if you are a puppy presenting her with chewed up balls and old shoes! Even putting the nicest possible interpretation on this obsession with the achievements of a relative she's never met - that she's lonely and possibly agoraphobic? - giving her chapter and verse on your daughter's results is only feeding this odd, critical obsession and comparison.

You've admitted you tend to over-value exam results yourself, as does your DH, so I would take a big step back from this and refuse to play your mother's game - tell her that your DD did wonderfully well, but don't provide her with the ammunition to do her compare and contrast. It's not good for you or your daughter.

I am not sure that we do overvalue exam results as parents. I meant more that we are aware some parts of society have a tendency to do this. Schools rather inevitably place high stress on them!

I think if my mother has specifically asked for this information, it would be a little unkind to withhold it entirely. Though as you say I needn't provide a detailed breakdown. Perhaps mentioning it in passing, along with other news is the best way to go...

OP - I wouldn't give her the benefit of an e-mail with the results in, nor a phone call, if "Golden Boy" has been getting attention and any "chinks in the armour" associated with your DD's results have been "picked on" by your Mum.

Would agree with Shrugged that giving no details but saying "she's done well" would be enough.

(Though I think Shrugged misunderstood how you had both changed attitude and praise all achievements rather than making a song and dance about only the best results.)

Must say regarding your Mum that this does sound pretty odd, given she's not even met this relative and he's not one of her own grandchildren. She should be taking interest in your daughter and (so they aren't left out) your stepchildren.

I think it might be time to ask her why she seems to be obsessed with how well "Golden Boy" has done/ might do, when she really ought to be more interested in her granddaughter, and daughter's family, than one particular great-nephew over all the others of that generation.

Explain how you're puzzled by her interest in someone she's never met, and while you are interested in your aunts, and their descendants, your mother's attitude (in particular concentrating for her own "odd" reason on the one subject your daughter didn't do so well in) is concerning you, as to whether your Mum needs medical / psychiatric attention !! Perhaps that will "jog" her into understanding she is driving a bit of a wedge between you (her and you) with her strange viewpoint / attitude (vis a vis great-nephew vs granddaughter).

Tell her bluntly, if necessary, that while you're glad "Golden Boy" is doing well, you really don't need that news to come from her - it would really be for his Mum to tell you if she wants. You expect your Mum to be taking more positive interest in what achievements your daughter is making (and tell her, since it would be somewhat understandable) and to a lesser extent, your stepchildren - so they know she cares.

Maybe the "so they know she cares" will be a small kick up the bum, that she appears to be blinded by how well "Golden Boy" is doing to the exclusion of others (and ask why she seems to want to pick on your DD's subject where she didn't do so well... it would be a very firm point on which to base your main distaste in how she's handling her interactions with you and yours).

sorry, see you've responded about "overvalue" in the time I was typing!

Ooooh this would get my goat OP. Don't blame you for being sensitive about this.

My own mum can be odd. She'll spend 30 mins telling me the the most detailed in's and out's of the milkman's daughter's husband's cousin's toe operation - which she has obviously taken huge interest in - and then allows me between 5 to 15 words on the subject of how i or DH is before cutting me off with more 'tales of people i don't know from Adam'! (then she has the nerve to moan that she never gets told what's going on in our or her GCs lives)

Anyway - sorry - :) - i think it's best not to hold your DDs results up as a sacrificial lamb either. As you say, make the email a mixture of news, plus perhaps an aside to say DD has done well - and mention her top grades!

Sorry, my mistake. I thought you meant you and your DH, rather than society as ad whole, were over-invested in exam results.

Your mother won't get out a pen and ask exactly how many As, Bs etc, will she?

Oh God, my mother does this. I sent her a gorgeous professional photo of her toddler grandson a few months ago. She never mentioned it, but spent 20 minutes telling me about a photo of my cousin's children in Australia (whom she's never met - she probably last saw my cousin in 1999) that was just so fabulous she had to ask my aunt for a copy, so that she could have it framed to put on display in pride of place on her wall! TWENTY WHOLE BASTARDING MINUTES on how my cousin's little boy was just the most beautiful toddler she'd ever seen! In fact, would i like her to scan the photo and email it to me so I could admire it too?

It is toxic game-playing designed to upset you, and your poor DD too. Yu have my sympathy. This is why I am keeping my lovely DS away from my mother as much as possible.

Wow that is a bit strange. What's with the obsession? I think I would have to mention it. She does sound a little un-hinged. Has it always been this way since he was a child?

Jacquesie- your mum sounds mean too. How can they not realize this is strange?

Increasingly, looking back, I think my mother was/is weird. My father - now dead - was perhaps more obviously eccentric, so during his lifetime my mother seemed relatively normal. It's only in the last few years that I have started asking myself some serious questions

When I was young both my parents got tremendously excited about exams and reports. The only time I ever recall getting praise was for good results. But there was a flip side. I remember my mother encouraging me - at the age of 17 - to go to the GP and ask for tranquilisers before my A-levels. I don't remember being especially anxious, and my chosen university had given me a minimum 2Es offer - because they wanted me after I had an interview with them. So that was extremely strange. (Naturally I didn't do it. I think I must have intuited that she was very anxious and projecting this onto me, though I didn't understand terms like projection then.) I also think she pretty much forced me into taking some 'herbal' tranquilisers - containing valerian - on a few occasions.

With my daughter's education there have been odd previous bits of strangeness. She - my daughter - had expressed interest in the local selective school. We bought a few books of test papers before she sat the entrance paper, and she was offered a place there. For about four years my mother kept asking whether my daughter could 'cope' at the school. As my daughter settled in quite quickly and her teachers thought well of her, there was never really any question of her not managing. Then after her first set of GCSEs which made it clear she wasn't just coping, but doing really well, my mother changed her tack. This is when the regular mentions of Golden Boy started....

Is your mother jealous of your achievements, and DD's?

Was she not allowed to excel academically, because she was "only a girl"?

Understanding why she does it might help DD not to take it to heart.

My MIL is similar,though, with DD2. She is dyslexic, and struggles with English, but tends to do very well in Art, Music and the Sciences. She is at a selective independent school, which we thought was a better fit than the super selective grammar we chose for DD1.

MIL is sure she shouldn't consider university, as it would be "too much" for her. I have really no idea why she thinks this, unless she thinks "dyslexic" is a euphemism for "a bit dim".

It's an interesting question as to whether my mother is envious. She did teacher training - at a time when you didn't have to be a graduate - and after a few years went to university as a mature student. I believe she had a lecturing job for a year or so, but did not continue after marrying my father. She said to me that she wanted to be a 'proper' wife and mother: my father certainly wanted a traditional breadwinning role, and to be looked after at home..

I suspect that if she does envy me it is more to do with the fact that my husband and I have a much more open, communicative relationship, than she and my father enjoyed. She's never given any hint of envying the various jobs I've had. (Though it's perhaps significant she never displays any interest in what I do in any sphere other than the domestic one.)

She might also envy the essentially relaxed and affectionate relationship I have with my daughter. (It is very different to the more tense - almost artificial - communication between my mother and myself.)

I suspect it does unsettle her to see anything that she perceives as female confidence and assurance - and her instinct is to try and bring this down.