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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

/naive in the hope my SIL doesn't bitch about me like she does the other SIL's/her friends?

20 replies

wonderingifiam2013 · 06/08/2013 14:35

No-one can do anything right and it's making me dread seeing her - which I really don't want to happen!

Topics covered include:

Parenting
Going out too much (as a couple or singles - basically without children)
Whether or not they should have children!?!
Being a SAHM and gasp - going to the gym during daylight hours
Letting kids run around whilst parent has a glass of wine ... at a party
Having a wedding/Christening/party etc on a day she had plans
Slagging off weddings abroad
Slagging off other children's academic progress

I really find it hard to just listen and not comment. But I don't want to say anything as I know my 'opinions' have been twisted in the past to back her arguments before - therefore I'd rather not comment at all.

She also told me something very private about one of her other SIL's recently and then gushed 'you know I wouldn't talk about your secrets like that' ... which was EXACTLY what I was thinking :(

I'm being naïve aren't I?

Or am I really such a confidante?

I'm also scared about answering truthfully about my friends lives - as she asks after them quite a lot and I don't want her to ever bump into them and say something so it looks like I've been gossiping

Simple life please! :)

OP posts:
MintyChops · 06/08/2013 14:40

Stop telling her things you don't want her to pass on/reveal she knows. Disengage a bit.

Original poster
wonderingifiam2013 · 06/08/2013 14:42

I have MintyChops but it makes me nervous/on my guard about what I say - especially after a glass of wine Blush

I think my only option is to continue to just listen ... and live in hope I'm not the topic of conversation when I'm not at certain parties/meet ups etc

OP posts:
Ezio · 06/08/2013 14:44

Never tell this woman things about your personal life again.

Shes a gossip, and not a nice one.

SanityClause · 06/08/2013 14:47

Do you have to see her?

I would find someone who was so judgy really unpleasant to be around.

I would just make bland responses to her queries and comments.

And bear in mind that she will be gossiping about you, and will be passing on any titbits you throw her about mutual acquaintances.

zatyaballerina · 06/08/2013 14:58

Of course she's gossiping nastily about you, people like this have no exceptions, if you're not giving her any information about you she'll make it up which is why I would withdraw from her company altogether and be pretty honest about why to everybody that asks. People like this get away with it because others keep their mouth shut. Don't bother with her but don't keep her bitchiness a secret either.

oldgrandmama · 06/08/2013 14:58

Definitely bland responses. Just 'mmmm', 'really?' 'gosh!' 'you don't say' and let her blather on. NEVER tell her anything about yourself, family, friends. She does sound a Grade A bitch!

Bumblequeen · 06/08/2013 15:01

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at poster's request.

LazyFaire · 06/08/2013 15:07

I've known a few people like this.

Yep it's hard to think/wonder what they say about you. So you have to not give them any fodder.

or, give them LOTS like you are thinking of joining a cult/training to be an astronaut, your DP had an affair with a goat etc so that when people ask you about it you can call her out as a complete nutcase

Bumblequeen · 06/08/2013 15:12

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at poster's request.

Eyesunderarock · 06/08/2013 15:15

Of course she bitches about you to other people and tells them any confidential and scandalous titbits, and you are naive if you think you are exempt.
I'd disengage from any conversations other than the weather and possibly light chat about something uncontroversial.
Or spin amazing fantasies to see how much she's swallow. Grin

turkeyboots · 06/08/2013 15:34

She is bitching about you too. My mother is like this. Trying not to give her anything to bitch about is pointless as anything and everything gets commented on from being too fun to being too dull.

Try not to tell her anything and accept she's telling (hopefully disinterested) people gossip about you. So either be v dull or all out loony and give her something to talk about!!

Charlesroi · 06/08/2013 16:31

Ask her about her a lot - what she's been doing, how are the kids etc etc

If forced to talk about yourself or your friends, describe (in depth) your recent, fascinating trip to the greengrocers or a film you went to see. And avoid her where possible. I seriously doubt whether your real friends would take any notice of what she says though.

LimitedEditionLady · 06/08/2013 17:07

My mum is like this,i now pull her up on it.it works too.

treacleturkey · 06/08/2013 17:19

My sister is like this Sad

treacleturkey · 06/08/2013 17:20

And my mother, I hasten to add.

Then they bitch ABOUT each other. To me. Sad

foreverondiet · 06/08/2013 17:20

I don't mince my words, so I would probably say something like, I really dislike the way you speak about people, it makes me feel uncomfortable.

And then just don't tell her anything personal at all - literally keep your mouth shut! Ask her about herself, and try and change the subject when she is bitching about others.

And yes she is DEF DEF bitching about you.

Saffyz · 06/08/2013 17:57

Ask her what she likes best about people so she has to think of nice things to say. And disagree when she complains about people. It sounds like "well it's up to them, it's none of our business is it?" would answer several of the comments she makes!

HoikyPoiky · 06/08/2013 18:02

You should try not to listen to her when she is gossiping. It's hard but its best not to be part of it if you can.

mrspaddy · 06/08/2013 18:02

One thing my aunt told me once was watch out for the people in life who tell you other peoples secrets.. they will do that to you too. You will also find the genuine ones. I work with a women who told me all the personal details of a miscarriage of another girl.. I know for a fact that girl was not wanting it to be public knowledge.
I am more annoyed that I didn't warn that girl but I didn't want to cause trouble.
You have to learn to nod and smile.. but it is hard.

Maybe throw in the odd remark... well I suppose that is personal taste .. as long as they are happy etc.

DeWe · 06/08/2013 18:51

Personally I would avoid as much as possible.

I've a Sil like that, certain she gossips about me with mil. I remember just after dh's other db had got married being there for Christmas. In front of everyone (cousins, grandparents etc.) she turns to mil across the room and says "what did you say bil says about his new wife?" and they have a conversation in front of everyone which ended with the expression "bil thinks the sun shines out of his new wife's bottom"... Mil brought conversation to a close. About half an hour later sil resurects the conversation again in front of everyone...
I was fuming with them, really rude and unpleasant. After discussion with dh we agreed that he doesn't say anything negative about happenings etc. in our family to mil.

Mind you sil didn't hear what dh's grandmother muttered about her under her breath, she didn't intend for anyone to hear, but I was in front of her and she spoke with the slightly too loud voise of someone who is hard of hearing. I've never heard dh's grandmother say anything nasty about anyone before.

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