To want to bang my cousins heads together?

[Dumpylump]

My poor mum is in a bit of a state this morning, and I blame my cousins!
My brother lives in another country and is coming over in a few weeks with his family for a holiday. He turned 40 a couple of months ago, and mentioned to my mum over Skype that he'd quite like to get all the family together while they were over, partly to celebrate his birthday, and partly just because we are all so spread out now, that we are hardly ever all together. I think the last time was my sisters wedding over two years ago.
He also told my mum that whilst he would love to throw a proper party and invite everyone to his 40th, he really couldn't afford it, and anyway, it wasn't really his birthday party, that was just the "hook" to hang the get together on, iykwim.
My mum has organised an afternoon barbecue at a hotel near my parents home - she and my dad (who has Alzheimer's), went to several places and managed to wangle a deal with this very nice place - she and my brother are delighted.
My mum asked me if I would mind speaking to my cousins, and explaining that the plan was that everybody would pay for themselves, and check that that was ok - we have done this before for my parents 70th and 80th birthdays respectively.
Spoke to both, both said, yes that's fine, be great to see everybody, looking forward to it.....all good.
Since then, one cousin has been in touch to say they can't make it after all, but following intervention from my aunt (mums sister), who suspected excuse was bogus, cousin and one child are coming - his wife is not - as apparently she doesn't think they should have to pay, and you don't pay when you're invited to a wedding. Which is a valid point, but this isn't actually a wedding, so I don't understand the relevance.

Now my aunt has told my mum that other cousin is v put out because they haven't received an official invitation in the post. Nobody has! Why would you?
The conversation I had with her when I checked about the paying, i had thought, made it clear that this was a family get together, a chance for everybody to catch up, and a reasonably casual afternoon thing.
My mum was almost in tears on the phone this morning and is on the verge of cancelling the hotel.

I want to phone my cousin but I'm too angry just now, and might say something that would cause even more upset, but honestly, why does this have to be such a performance?
And actually, why did my aunt feel the need to tell my mum? Couldn't she have just told my cousin not to be so daft?

Your poor mum - I can see why you feel so annoyed at your cousins. Maybe you need to make another quick call to the cousins and just make sure that they're aware that this is just a casual bbq which happens to be in the hotel rather than a big posh do. If they are expecting something big, formal and weddingish then it's better they're told now than realise once they get to the gathering, especially if they're likely to complain or make a fuss. Hopefully once you've spoken to them you can reassure your poor mum as well.

Hope you enjoy the day :)

Thanks chester I thought it was crystal clear to everybody that it was a casual afternoon thing, but I suppose further clarification might be necessary!

I feel so sorry for my mum - there's nothing she loves more than getting all of her family together under one roof, and it happens so rarely these days. Plus she can't go visiting us all as she and dad used to - since the Alzheimer's took more of a hold on my dad he gets confused, anxious and ultimately very bad tempered if he's out of his familiar surroundings for long.
My mum has been looking forward to this for weeks, and now I think she feels its spoilt.

If it's a casual afternoon thing, why is it happening in a hotel, and why would the guests have to pay? Sorry, but it doesn't make any sense to me and seems a bit silly. It's never a good idea to arrange a party and then say 'we'd like you to come ...but er, that'll be £10 please' or whatever. Much better to ring everyone before booking and say 'we can arrange XYZ, but it'll be £x per person, are you in'.

How much is it per person that you're asking them for and what does that amount cover?

That's exactly what we did Mike that's why mum asked me to phone round my cousins before she booked it.
It's in a hotel because my mum and dads house is too small to accommodate everybody, and because my dad wouldn't be able to cope with the house being full of people even if there was room.

Why didn't you just suggest a 'family get together' and then discuss where everyone would fancy for lunch etc? As it stands you have said it's for your brothers birthday, thus requiring a gift. I know I would never turn up without a gift for a 40th. Perhaps they feel that this is all a bit too expensive.

If it is a bbq (outside?) at a local hotel could you change it to a picnic?

Nothing unreasonable, surely, in what your mother arranged - it sounds a lovely idea, and hardly an expensive outlay for the family members who'll be there. Your cousins are being unreasonable and a bit petulant, if you ask me. I hope your mother still goes ahead with the arrangement, with or without the cousins, and that you all have a wonderful time.

Mum did say it was a family get together Icansee There will be about 30 of us, so I can imagine that having a chat about where we fancy going for lunch, might take an enormous amount of time! My brother talking about his 40th was what put the idea in her head, but it's not his 40th party, and I thought that my cousins got that. My other sisters and I have, and we have just had same conversations with mum as everyone else about it.
I haven't said it's for anything, and I haven't arranged any of it - my 73 year old mother has....she just asked me to check that all the cousins were happy to pay £x amount, were ok with the venue, and most importantly, were available on the date...which they all said they were!
So what I'm really ticked off with, is the petty mithering that is going on now that it's all been arranged.
It's not hugely expensive, and the money is not an issue for any of us anyway (I appreciate that we are very fortunate in that respect).
As far as the picnic idea goes....we are on the East coast of Scotland, it would be a gamble at best as far as weather goes, plus a lot of work and hassle. I do that sort of thing sometimes with friends, and everybody brings something, but with people travelling on the day before, or flying up from London, then it just isn't practical.
The hotel has a smallish function room that has a terrace outside, so the barbecue will be on the terrace, and there will be tables with seating, and drinks, or tea and coffee inside. So if the weather is good we can stay on the terrace, and if its not, we can be inside - another reason why mum was so pleased about this venue.

Are the cousins that are dropping out coming from far away? Maybe they can't afford it?

Feel for your Mum, my own Mum loves family get togethers like this as well.

My own mum would love this kind of thing, we as a family are pretty far flung round the world and rarely get a chance for all of us to get together. I feel very sorry for her, and YANBU to be annoyed with your cousins. Will it really be that much of a big deal if cousins aren't there? Just asking, as I know how much we like to spend time with siblings but cousins are kind of outside that circle. It's not that we don't like each other, just that we wouldn't be that bothered about seeing each other. It may well be that your cousins aren't that bothered about seeing your DB, while you and your mum are as you are so much closer to him. I think that if this the case then they should have made it quite clear when you first made the phonecall. I hope that you and the rest of your family, have a fantastic day!

I think banging the cousins heads together is the best thing!

venue sounds perfect, many options with regard to weather etc. But ultimately if they don't want to come, they won't. Try to tell your mum not to stress about what others may or may not do... they'll miss out if they don't come.

Personally I would call, saying you need to finalise numbers and if they say yes and don't come, they'll be charged for their meal regardless. Or say no and don't let them change their mind on the day (when it all looks lovely and they realise they've been a but silly).