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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Advice needed please !

47 replies

glittertree · 05/08/2013 21:09

Advice needed I need to know if IABU or not...My sister has announced she is getting married I am delighted for her because she has wanted this for a long time but at the same time I am feeling quite emotional and frightened because my mother I haven't seen in 10 years is going to be there...
To try and not bore you all with too much detail she was emotionally and physically abusive to me as a child I grew up to feel worthless and useless she actually made my childhood a misery I would have done anything to have made her love me but she made it obvious that she disliked me by the way she treated ..me I used to cry all the time as a child..
.to cut a very very long story short she fell out with me again and as a woman I decided that I had to protect my sanity ..we never spoke again she never ever made any contact with me over the years to sort it out ?even though she has missed out on 4 beautiful grandchildren I saw her once years ago at a funeral and she just looked me up and down and sneered at me...I felt like a little girl again...
She has an differant relationship with my sister ...
Anyway when my sister announced this i felt so sick inside because I know I am going to have to face her and the thought terrifies me i actually went off and had a cry I feel like a little girl again .
I have to go because I can't let my sister down AIBU to be feeling so emotional ...any advice on how to deal with this?

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 05/08/2013 21:26

Does your sister know exactly how being at her wedding will affect you?

Original poster
glittertree · 05/08/2013 21:28

Yes she does but would very much expect me to go !

OP posts:
McNewPants2013 · 05/08/2013 21:31

Talk to your doctors, they may prescribe something to calm your nerves for the day.

I know you shouldn't have to resort to medication, but it could help

WorraLiberty · 05/08/2013 21:32

Well if she does know exactly how it will affect you, I'm afraid she's being very selfish Sad

OK, her wedding day is important to her but this (the way you feel) is way bigger to you.

I'd give the wedding a miss if I were you...maybe try to do something special together?

If she doesn't understand, then I don't think she's worth worrying about.

Original poster
glittertree · 05/08/2013 21:34

I wish I could...but then she wouldn't speak to me again either :(

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 05/08/2013 21:35

Is it far enough in the future to get some counselling to help you with these issues ? It will really help for you to feel that it's not you, that your boundaries are strong and that you did the right thing

Failing that is your family chavvy enough for you to get drunk and punch her in the face? Grin

{{{hugs}}} for you. I dropped my mum 20 years ago and haven't had to see her (yet!) as she was awful/abusive/alcoholic

Original poster
glittertree · 05/08/2013 21:44

Lol...my family are fantasticly Jeremy Kyle ...;)

OP posts:
HollyBerryBush · 05/08/2013 21:45

Are you taking a partner? or have a friendly face to lean on? Do you get along with your father?

Boardiegirl · 05/08/2013 21:48

I agree with Worra. I do hope your sister can understand. If she is aware of what your childhood was like; and im sure she is, she should empathise with how you feel. She must be fond of you to invite you so surely she would not want you to be suffering as you are? Have a really good talk with her over a meal or coffee; you can at least sound out whether she really understands how difficult it is for you.
Good luck :)

Original poster
glittertree · 05/08/2013 21:49

Get on with my father they are separated and have a wonderful husband and fantastic children....it's the way I know I will be feeling inside ...I suffer badly with nerves ..

OP posts:
Original poster
glittertree · 05/08/2013 21:51

My sister is a hot head completely the opposite from me ..we are very close but I know for sure she would take it as insult if I couldn't man up and go and would be furious with me ..

OP posts:
guiltyconscience · 05/08/2013 21:54

Don't go your sister has no idea how badly this will upset you' I think you really need to tell her everything and make her realise what you went and still are going through.f you have not had counselling I think you would find it really helpful Good Luck op.

FeegleFion · 05/08/2013 23:47

Why not browse NLP or assertiveness type books? I've bought an NLP book for my eReader and will be reading it as soon as my run of books on serial killers comes to an end.

Laurie 's counselling suggestion is an excellent one. Speak with your GP if you think you'd like to consider it as an option.

Life coaches could also be extremely helpful here.

MrsTerryPratchett · 06/08/2013 00:56

How long have you got until the wedding? This could be your chance to change your experience. Counselling, maybe medication, use your DF, DH and DC as armor.

If you don't then want to go, don't. If your DSis is too hot-headed and self-centred to understand, meh to her not speaking to you again. I know it is harder than that but you deserve to be happy.

Sleepyhoglet · 06/08/2013 01:21

Go, but turn up just before service starts and sit at the back.

Sleepyhoglet · 06/08/2013 01:23

Or if possible and you have to speak to your mum, try to ignore the fact she is your mum. She is just a woman your sister knows. Don't give much away of be emotional. Just say hello and answer any questions she has as you would to a stranger.

She will probably then leave you alone for the rest of the reception.

Ouchmyhead · 06/08/2013 01:41

See I have a different opinion. Your sister is getting married, like you said you are so happy for her and she's waited for this for a long time. It's a day all about her and her husband to be. I'm not trying to diminish the things you went through with your mother, but your sister should come first in this instance. Take a

Ouchmyhead · 06/08/2013 01:44

Sorry I clicked send on my phone by accident!

I was saying, take a friend or partner, don't talk to her if you don't want, go to your gp to talk about anti anxiety medications, make a list of all the people who you love and care about who will be there for you to focus on. I really think you should be there for your sister, and be excited for - instead of focusing on yourself. Try helping her and getting involved in helping plan the wedding, the may relieve some of your anxiety towards it as you will have the focus on your sister and making sure she has the best day, instead of on yourself and your mum.

libertine73 · 06/08/2013 01:58

go and have a great time. I agree if you have time, get yourself as match fit as possible, maybe you can get strong enough to feel at last like she has no power anymore, you're not that little girl anymore.

really good you can make it through it, and you come out feeling empowered, why should you miss your sisters wedding because of her?

good luck!

HairyGrotter · 06/08/2013 07:49

Go. Power up, remember, you are a mother now, a good one. Your own mother was not, and you should pity her for being shit. You have come on leaps and bounds and have refused to make the mistakes she made, therefore you are better than her.

Take your lovely, normal, functioning family to an event full of love, over come the trauma, and show the world you are stronger for your experiences.

RedHelenB · 06/08/2013 08:15

Sorry, I'm on the sister comes first side in this instance. I would concentrate on thinking "I am a good mother to ALL my children" every time you look at her

fedupofnamechanging · 06/08/2013 09:42

I think that if your sister knows about the abuse then she has no business inviting a child abuser to her wedding. She especially has no business expecting you to be in the presence of someone who abused you. Sometimes in life people do have to choose sides and your sister should have chosen yours.

That said, it is hard to cut s parent off completely, so if your sister can't manage that then the least she can do is not kick off if you feel you cannot cope with being there. If she does kick off, then she is selfish and you shouldn't feel bad about putting yourself first.

If you do end up going, I would tell sis that I was unwilling to be anywhere near the woman and would blank her totally - not even glance in her direction. She can't hurt you if you refuse to engage.

Best of luck

OwlinaTree · 06/08/2013 09:43

What a difficult situation. I am thinking that you would like to go to the wedding, and would be no question if mother was not attending.

I would suggest you try to chat to your sister about your fears, stressing how much you are looking forward to the wedding but how you are nervous about mother being there. Request that your sister doesn't sit you together etc, to make it easier on you.

On the day, arrive with someone you love and know will be supportive. Ask then not to leave your side! Wear something you feel great in. Rehearse in your head what you are going to say to mother if you do need to speak, I find this very helpful when I am meeting up with people I'm unsure about because it feels like I'm in control. Try to remain polite if possible, greet and make excuses to move on. Don't drink too much.

You will feel great if you get to the end having kept your composure and hopefully managed to enjoy your sister's day too. Good luck, families are difficult.

Original poster
glittertree · 06/08/2013 13:10

Thank you for all of your replies I will focus on my sister and her day it will be tough as my mother was awful towards me and the thought of her makes me quake but I want to see her get married ...

OP posts:
quoteunquote · 06/08/2013 13:56

Do you have someone who can come with you, stand shoulder to shoulder with you through out and really understand what support you need?

If so go, but have a pre arranged plan with who ever you go with,

That if at any moment no matter what, if the situation becomes overwhelming, you leave, quickly quietly straight away, no hesitation or delays, no discussions.

Have your car parked facing outwards where it cannot get blocked in,

pre warn your sister that you will do your best to stay at the event, but if your sensibilities are that for self preservation, you will leave and she is not to worry about it.

If you have pre planned that you can disengage quickly at any point, it will take some of the pre tension out, give yourself permission to disengage when it suits YOU

Plan with your support, that if you have to go, that you will go and share a bottle of bubble (buy in advance and have on ice in the car) somewhere nice, toast your sister, toast yourself for both doing so well despite toxic parenting.