AIBU to be upset that the business doesnt need me

[havingamadmoment]

DH and I run a business that we started together 4 years ago. Now its got to the point where there are other employees and DH goes in everyday I just go in two days mainly because of childcare costs for our 5 children.

DH thinks its wonderful that we can say "having is having 6 weeks off to stay with the kids over the summer" and I KNOW how lucky we are but in another way it makes me want to cry because it makes me realise how I am really not needed at all. I mean if no one noticed if you were gone for 6 weeks would you think they valued your job?.

DH just doesnt get why I am upset at all, but I am sick of everyone thinking its a hobby. I am now thinking of just leaving altogether and getting a job away from the business just to feel liek my time is actually worth something and I am not there because DH lets me be or feels sorry for me!

AIBU?

Should add I could work full time hours but the attitude woudl still be the same - hobby not job.

I take the summer off to care for my kids, and I dont think anyone feels I am not useful. They just know that I do most of my work at other times of year.

Think before you throw away all that flexibility and understanding. I am not sure another job would help, because it was still be your little hobby, just an irritating one.... and when you have a childcare crisis you will get no help other than I told you so.

I would recommend a discussion with DH about why you feel undervalued. Perhaps you can be given a more senior role, with a clearer remit, rather than the "all mucking in" thing that is part of the early years of a small business?

Perhaps, also, he can do two days a week childcare for the summer and you can go in instead?

Yanbu. But if the business doesn't need you, then you're never going to feel any different about this. Is there anything in the business that you can take your hand to? A new idea, an area that's gone stagnant that you could take on as a project?

Have you talked to your husband about how you feel?

The problem is the business was my husbands "dream". He is a software developer, I am not (and if I am honest I have 0 desire to become one). There would be no point him staying hoe and me going in because the work I do is only secondary to his, planing, accounts etc. So in reality that is the problem its not that I FEEL the business doesn't need me - it really doesn't.

There really isnt anything within the business which I could take over in that way I am already equally own the business in that respect I have control over accounts but I really hate every second of that. I LOVE getting out of the house and just being somewhere. I love the kids but this morning my 2 year old threw up over my head and pillow just as DH was leaving and I felt like running after him and hitching a ride to the office.

I really want to be a midwife which I am applying for next year but I know the chances of getting onto that are slim. So it doesnt feel like a plan. I think im just in a bad mood lately!

Kirjava - I have talked to DH and he just says "just do whatever you want to do" and looks confused. He doesnt get the problem at all.

I run 2 businesses. One is 16 months old and another is 4 months. I think businesses are like children. In the early days they are absolutely dependent on you for everything and as time goes on tasks can be delegated out. I would love to not be as needed by my business. I have never had one sick day since I have started and also work weekends which really gets me down. Setting up a profitable business in the current economic climate is very tough and developing it to the point it is not totally dependant on you is another achievement. Instead of feeling bad you should be incredibly proud you have achieved this. Just out of interest what type of business is it?

Ok, so there is a plan- you want to be a midwife. Sod his tedious company, in that case. I would go after your dream and not mess about with changing jobs. Why do you say your chances are slim? are there things you can do to improve them?

for instance, your local FE college may run a GCSE retake one year course, or an access to healthcare course, that you could go on for a year.

Why doesn't he not go in on they two days you do?

We have our own business too, and we work alternate days over the school holidays apart from when we are both off.

beast - I have everything I need in terms of qualifications I already have the GCSES, A levels and a degree I did about 10 years ago. But because of where we live I can only apply to one uni that has only about 20 places and they get around 1000 applications. I just dont feel like I could ever be that lucky! I am trying to do the UCAS bits as well as I can I am giving it my best shot but 20/1000 seems like a long shot.

Arnie - it is software development. I am proud of the business in reality though it has been DHs talent that has made it successful. I have obviously been there supporting but I couldn't take credit for most of it!

It sounds like you need to count your blessings and appreciate the fortunate position you are in.

Find something else that will make you feel valued and appreciated, either another job or voluntary work or community stuff. It might take a bit of time until you find the right thing, especially as you have young children, but your sense of fulfilment can only come from from your own efforts.

You have become a victim of your own success, almost like this whole parenting thing where you put in so much effort that you end up leaving yourself redundant, but it's a good thing.

Hatty - I dont have the skills to run the business alone.

I'm dreaming of the day our business gets big enough to support us both so I don't have to leave my children with other people over the holidays, seeing photos on face book of other families on the beach and in the park makes me want to sob. Could you start a business of your own on the side, keep some of the flexibility to have time with the kids like you do now.

Sympathy with the location thing. You are right that it is long odds. Are there more places available for you train as a nurse and do the conversion course instead?

It does sound as if the business does not really excite you (I would be right with you on that myself) and it will always be "his". I think YANBU to start to plan for your own independent career.

I agree with finding a voluntary role that will give you more satisfaction. you must be a bit of an expert with babies and children with 5!! How about looking into working with la leche/nct/homestart supporting new mums? it would be really worthwhile and I assume as it's voluntary you could choose when to be available. It might just help your midwife application too.