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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask YOU what you do when/if your toddler is going through a 'hitting' phase?

20 replies

ClassyAsALannister · 05/08/2013 08:23

DS is 2.7.

Very good usually, just your normal toddler issues like the odd shortlived tantrum etc.

The problem we've got is that he's going through a hitting phase and I'm not sure I'm dealing with it properly!

At the moment he gets 1 warning (clearly a warning) and if he does it after that then he has to go to his room (or be removed from the situation if we're out of the house) until he seems calm & then has to say sorry to whoever he hit and then there's a quick hug and we forget about it & get on with the day.

He's still doing it a few times a day though so is it just a persistent phase that needs riding out or am i going about this really crappily?

Would really appreciate any advice

OP posts:

lovecupboards · 05/08/2013 08:28

Doesn't sound like you need any advice, you seem to be handling it correctly. Its probably just a phase that will pass if you keep the discipline going.

Original poster

ClassyAsALannister · 05/08/2013 08:29

P.S he came back from his dad's yesterday (stays 1 night a fortnight) & his dad said he did it once in the morning and he shouted at him really loudly, which apparently scared the shit out of him and he didn't do it again for 5 minutes anyway

AIBU to think that losing your shit probably doesn't help either? It wasn't a carefully considered action, he just said DS did it early morning and he was grouchy so snapped. I always thought that wasn't supposed to be effective as they can tell you're out of ammo, as it were and haven't got any control over the situation?

Maybe I'm being soft! Though I do use a very firm voice for it all & follow it through every time. I was just a bit that he scared the crap out of him & he did it again anyway.

OP posts:

DwellsUndertheSink · 05/08/2013 08:29

Mine is. I think they are too young for time out as they are not yet able to see action>consequence.

I call mine on it every time - I will immediatelly hold the offending hand and say sharply "No Hitting!" , If it persists, I will remove him from the situation and sit him down in a corner and say "No Hitting!", but not make him stay in the corner.

Original poster

ClassyAsALannister · 05/08/2013 08:31

Thanks for the reply. I think it's working as he does it less than he did before I started doing this everytime he hit something/someone. He's just still doing it everyday, at least once and I'm not sure if that's normal for his age. Can you tell DS is my first?

It's obviously worse when he's tired/insecure or unsure of something/hungry.

OP posts:

KirjavaTheCat · 05/08/2013 08:31

You sound like you're doing just fine, that's pretty much all you can do. Just be consistent, it'll pass eventually.

Original poster

ClassyAsALannister · 05/08/2013 08:31

^ I don't make him stay in his room, as he won't yet (did have a half hour battle about it once, a la Supernanny ).

Just instantly removing him seems to help, though not stop it altogether.

OP posts:

Edendance · 05/08/2013 08:33

At 2.7 they know they shouldn't be doing it and are doing it for that very reason. I think I'd get rid of the warning and just move to a time out type place- whatever is used as time out. When I went to get them I'd have a chat about hitting or whatever it is then all forgotten about.

Original poster

ClassyAsALannister · 05/08/2013 08:36

^ we do the chat, which is basically just 'you don't hit people/things (depending on what he did) and he has to say sorry. If he doesn't he can't come back to wherever we are/whatever we're doing.

I can tell he knows full well he shouldn't do it, so have no qualms about removing him etc but not sure I'm going about it the right way IYSWIM?

OP posts:

DwellsUndertheSink · 05/08/2013 08:37

OP, you are doing just fine, and it is a phase they ALL go through. Just be consistent with the No!, and he should grow out of it. ( Although I knew someone who at 7 used to hit her mum all the time, and mum would smile weakly and say "Oh I shouldnt let her really" )

hardboiledpossum · 05/08/2013 08:39

I say no firmly and a remove ds in to his room. I don't give a warning first. I don't do a proper time out, ds is free to leave his room when he pleases. If he us really upset and needs to cam down i shut the door but stay in with him.

Original poster

ClassyAsALannister · 05/08/2013 08:44

Oh dear!

I'm as firm as I can be without shouting at him (being very firm and pretending to be calm has always worked better with him that just shouting). And obviously try to praise him for good behavior so it's not all negative and he has some incentive to behave better than that.

I read somwhere that if they can't get 'good' attention then they go for bad, as it's still attention, so making sure you don't lose your cool when removing them etc makes sure they're not getting any attention for the behaviour. Not sure if that's BS or not but it's made me pissed off that his dad seems to just shout at him but not remove him etc when he's telling him off. Maybe I'm being a bit PFB

I guess knowing he'll grow out of it is enough to make me not lose the will!

OP posts:

Original poster

ClassyAsALannister · 05/08/2013 08:49

(and he definitely does it purely for attention unless he's tired/ill etc as he does it more with other people than he does me).

OP posts:

Runoutofideas · 05/08/2013 09:01

I look after a little girl of a similar age who used to use unwanted behaviour as a means for getting attention. We would get into a spiral of downward progression ie "If you do that again I'll take the toy away" - toy gets taken then "If you do that again I'll take you home" - gets taken home, then "if you do that again you won't have a yoghurt" - no yoghurt but behaviour still continued because she enjoyed all the attention she was getting for it.

Now I switch it the other way round and say for eg "When you haven't hit anyone by lunchtime I'll give you a sparkly sticker". The reward for good behaviour works better for her than sanctions for poor behaviour....

ApplePippa · 05/08/2013 09:45

OP, if you think he's doing it for attention, then maybe drop the warning? If he hits, give him a very firm no, and instant removal - no chances for him to play around and test you and shows him you mean business over this one. Then of course lots praise and attention over other things! It worked a treat for my attention seeking niece when she was about the same age.

Sounds like you're doing great though

Original poster

ClassyAsALannister · 05/08/2013 10:11

Thanks

May try that. It'll probably help just by shaking it up a little!

OP posts:

Lackedpunchesforever · 05/08/2013 10:27

I think you are being too soft. A really loud and firm NO then swoop in and remove him immediately from the situation into time out.

I don't actually agree with the assertion that all children goes through this phase and I don't think it's always something they grow out of. They need to know that it's totally unnaceptable.

shewhowines · 05/08/2013 10:34

A firm - you know we don't do that, followed by removal from the situation and no more engagement at all for a couple of minutes, then just continue as normal, worked for me. Make sure they know you aren't rattled by it though, so they get nothing from it.

shewhowines · 05/08/2013 10:36

I wouldn't make a big deal of it by sending to room. Just stop interacting for a few moments with a - no we don't do that.

freemanbatch · 05/08/2013 10:47

I don't use bedrooms for discipline because they are places my kids should recognise as safe, happy and restful so they can happily sleep there and taking the time to move the child all the way through the house is a lot of attention for the bad behaviour.

I use the hall as their time out space and they go there for as long as it takes me to make sure the person they hit is ok. I don't give warnings but if I see a problem coming I do try and stop their hand and remind them of the rules before they break them. I don't shout because I feel out of control when I shout and that's not helpful to any of us.

Original poster

ClassyAsALannister · 05/08/2013 10:54

I have a 1 bed bungalow. The hallway is basically a doorway so havent' used it for that reason but we're due to move soon.

OP posts:

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