To not want dh and ds1 to go on holiday without me

[NobbyD]

Ds2 is 4months, been diagnosed with Williams syndrome and with that two serious heart conditions, one of which will be operated on in 6 weeks at great ormand street. His cardiologist has advised ds2 to not be under any undue stress between now and then to minimise any risk of heart failure.

We were due for big family holiday to Ireland with all dh family as fil turns 60. We have been advised that ds2 should not go, especially on the flight but the change in environment alone could cause him upset and distress.

Dh and ds1 still want to go to Ireland and leave me behind with baby (who is extremely difficult both during day and night as part of the whole Williams syndrome package).

My family happen to be going to Australia at that same and therefore I will be completely alone with no support network.

I can't deny my ds1 a chance to meet his relatives in Ireland nor my dh the chance to celebrate his dads 60th with his entire family (his brother is also due to be there who currently lives in Australia and hasn't been back in three years).

But I can't help feeling abandoned. Aibu to not want them to go without me?

Wow, this is a toughie. I totally hear what you're saying and would prob feel the same myself, somewhat hurt that DH wasn't putting an ill DS2 and me before a family get-together. YANBU.

That sounds very distressing. You absolutely have my sympathy and I don't think you are being at all unreasonable. Could they not go for the day or 24hrs. Or maybe PIL and BIL could come over and stay nearby shortly after & before BIL goes home given the circumstances. I would hope they would be understanding given your situation. You could all go next year maybe.

How long will they be away for? It is hard, almost any other event you'd say just cancel, but 60th birthday, brother/uncle from Australia..
Do hope the OP goes well and things get a bit easier for you.

There isn't a right or wrong answer to this. YANBU to want support around whilst you care for a seriously ill 4month old and if the support you want most is from DH then that is what you should have. Your DS2's needs come first and supporting you is supporting him.

BUT...you obviously also want DH and DS1 to go and enjoy themselves. I sense the problem is your ambivalence not the fact that they want to go.

Honest answer - work out what kind of support you truly feel you want right now. Is it emotional support which only DH can provide? Or is it practical support like making sure there are meals in and the house is clean which friends can be roped in for? Don't be ashamed to ask for this help, it is the kind of thing people want to do and often feel embarassed to offer. Look how people on Mumsnet pile on to a thread offering food, lifts, accommodation when someone posts in distress. Practical stuff is easy for people to do and makes them feel happy.

If it is the former then put your foot down without guilty. You can make it up to DH's Dad by celebrating with him and two healthy grandsons at a later date. He will understand.

Thanks to all who replied.

The more I think about it the more confused I get!

If I'm honest dh isn't great at emotional support nor is he comfortable settling our poorly baby so most of the time I do it all anyway. The only thing he does offer is the chance for me to go back to bed for couple hours when ds2 wakes majorly early after several night waking. Without this I'd be a zombie!

So I sometimes think I should let him and ds1 go and I can try fill my week with seeing friends.

But then when I think about them actually leaving me I want to cry and scream don't go!

Naturally you dont want them to go but I would let them go. Must be stressful for your ds1too having a new sibling who is so ill.