This is a little self-indulgent, in that I want to understand for my own curiosity, but also having dd1 who appears similar to me, I'd be interested in any ideas as to how to avoid what happened to me. Especially since she carries a very dangerous gene for passing on.
I have very little recollection of puberty at all. The only bit I remember is my periods starting at almost 16. I really don't recall getting boobs, or hair, or any of the emotional stuff, or even things like wanting to follow fashions and music. That seems odd to me.
As far as sex education goes, I can recall ONE lesson with the mad history teacher who did all the extras like careers etc. All I remember about that is a drawing he did that looked like a reindeer on the board. I don't recall thinking it was significant.
My mum gave me a book called 'help I'm growing up' which I never read because it looked awful and embarrassing. It was also full of bible references, and I was fed up of her 'kind' of books anyway.
So far, pretty obvious why I didn't know much. But I don't get why I wasn't curious. Anyway, a lad started paying me attention, and asking me out. I didn't really like him much and said no, but he started sending me teddies, and those big padded cards which I found excruciatingly embarrassing and agreed to go out with him if he stopped. My mum was taking the mickey every time they turned up.
So I started seeing him, and shortly after he asked me to 'do stuff'. I didn't have a clue what he was on about, which seemed to surprise him, so he asked if I'd like to see his willy. He obv wanted me to, so I shrugged and said OK, and he got it out. Why did I have no reaction to that? Either desire or disgust? I just wasn't bothered at all, and just felt confused as to why he'd done this. So he asked me to stroke it which I did as if it were a cat. He showed me what to do and things progressed.
I ended up with this guy for over 2 years, and he asked me to do all sorts which I did without question or emotion. I just wasn't assed at all, it was just similar to my mum asking me to wash up really. I never spoke to anyone about it. During this time I did a college course one part of which involved devising educational programmes, one of the other groups did one on teenage pregnancy which I listened to, and I recall phrases like family planning, and even remember some condoms passed around and put on carrots. Why did I not make any connection to what was going on in my life? At no point AT ALL did I ever think about babies (let alone STDs). I don't recall EVER wondering where babies came from.
We never used protection, but I didn't fall pregnant. At 18 I moved away and immediately started a sexual relationship with someone else. Luckily someone I liked rather more, but it was still just a case of 'something you did'. Being away from home, I think made me start to gain some sort of consciousness of what was going on because a few weeks in I decided to get some protection. So I must have known, somewhere along the line, but why did it take so long? How could I possibly have had regular sex for 2.5 years without giving a single thought to the consequences?
Well of course, I fell pregnant before I got the condoms. And I must have known the deal, because when my periods stopped I knew to get a pregnancy test. Positive. Except I was still as emotionless as ever. I knew it was a big step, but it just felt like starting college or whatever, it was just the next thing to do, have a baby. Which I did without too many problems, and have brought him up reasonably successfully.
But it really bugs me, there must have been loads of other kids talking about this stuff at school. Why don't I remember? I wasn't 12, I was 19 when I got pregnant.
Like I said I have more kids now including dd1 who's approaching 12, and seems completely oblivious to most things. Was I really like that? She infuriates me in that she never knows what's going on, because I'm absolutely the opposite of that now, but I guess that's how I must have been. I've discussed babies etc with her, but she's utterly uninterested. How the hell do I stop history repeating?