When I want a whinge just let me do it

[Wildmeanfairlyhipkid]

Had to park miles from the cinema last night, it pissed it down, got soaked, ruined the evening.

So I regale my mate with my tale of woe over lunch today and she starts telling me where I should have parked.
After several attempts to get her off the " you should have parked here, or here, or here track" I bluntly told her she was rubbing salt in the wound, and I wanted sympathy not directions and a map for something that had already happened.
So she got google maps out and tried to show me, at which point I blatantly rolled my eyes at her and then turned my back on her.

This "i know better than you" behaviour that has been going on for years and we've only recently got back to the 'meeting for lunch and a natter" after a "low contact" break of six months when I couldn't take it any more.
Our kids have been inseparable for most of their lives and we share a social group and our dp's get on so I can't totally avoid her.

Was that unreasonable? I don't want to not be be able to be in her company but she seems oblivious to how f'in annoying she is.

You sound rather childish. Perhaps it was her attempt to get you out of the moaning and impart some useful information?

It's not just me Luis, she regularly imparts her wisdom onto all manner of unwilling recipients. I just happen to be forced into closer contact with her than anyone else who still speaks to her cos of our children's connection.

It's annoying and fustrating. Perhaps you could start by saying I just want you to listen, I don't need to hear what you would have done, or where the other carparks are. It doesn't help me. OR Do you know what? If I want your advice I will ask for it. Otherwise please just listen to what I'm saying.

Would that work? Was your break because of the stream of unwanted advice?

I have a friend just like this. It is just so infuriating. You can't mention any thing without getting "advice". Half the time he knows less about the topic than me and is just plain wrong. I got fed up and like you distanced myself for a while gently. He emailed last week a how's stuff going email so I replied and he started giving me advice about my profession which I obviously do and he has no experience in! I don't think you were being childish, I find them to be quite rude really.

Thank you. Yes, it was because of this behaviour that i backed off. She got really insistent that I put my dd down for the same school as hers as it is " the best" but its an all girls catholic school which isn't at all what I want for my dd, considering I'd have to have her baptised and attend mass, which she seemed to think I was being unreasonable about not wanting to.

She's kinda learning, she said "we all make different choices in life" recently which I used to say to her quite a bit to stop her flow of advice on houses, cars, jobs, health, parenting etc.

The advice is one thing, it's that she argues with me when i say it's not for me that really tires me out.

I dunno, it seemed when I got back in full contact that someone had had a quiet word and put her straight but today it was "here we go again".

It's hard cos our main other mate with a kid the same age is emigrating in feb, so play dates will be one on one after that unless I can co-opt some other parents in.

I know people like this, they always start with "if it was me I would have done this instead". Sometimes you don't want a problem "solved", especially if it's done and dusted, you just want to bitch about it and have someone say "poor sweet baby" to make you feel better. :)

YABU, it was a parking space, how much sympathy were you expecting? Such a trivial conversation warrants the problem-solving "here's where you could have parked" approach she took.

yab(a bit)u. I know someone who always wants me to back them up with their tales of misdemenors committed against them and sometimes i simply cant indulge them. Sometimes they are in the wrong and when smiling and nodding doesnt cut it i will challange them and say "well you could have done that or they probably didnt intend thats" etc etc. I get slagged off for it but otherwise i feel i would bullshitting them all the time with "oh poor you, that must have ben dreadful" etc etc.

There's a difference between oh I normally find this space is free and getting insistent and pulling out google maps and going on about it. We all like a trivial moan sometimes and for someone just to go yeah that's a bit shit isn't it, without having to listen to them berate you. It's tiring!

Cushtie, that's it exactly... Or "I remember the time we had a shit night out too" type empathy, but she never ever ever admits to having done anything wrong.
She's even pulled the " if that was my daughter" line out of the bag to my face on one occasion.

I should have started with the aibu to not Change my dd's religion to go to the same school dds friend as per this persons persistent " I know everything" attitude.

The car park is just the final straw.

So I regale my mate with my tale of woe over lunch today and she starts telling me where I should have parked. After several attempts to get her off the " you should have parked here, or here, or here track" I bluntly told her she was rubbing salt in the wound, and I wanted sympathy not directions and a map for something that had already happened. So she got google maps out and tried to show me, at which point I blatantly rolled my eyes at her and then turned my back on her.

Usually a difference of this kind is between a woman and a man, your friend has taken the man role in this.

Some people (women usually) thinks it helps to talk about a problem, other people (men usually) think it exacerbates the misery for the person who relives it, and multiplies it by causing others to vicariously suffer.

When a "man" (real or honorary) is told a tale of woe, "he" will try to find a solution, because otherwise the extra suffering induced for all by the retelling will not have led to any compensatory consequence.

You have a point that she shouldn't have tried to "help" if there was no chance you would ever use the information she was trying to impart.

She sounds like my DP. If I want to moan about something and for him to just listen and not advise, I have to start my sentence with a disclaimer.

But I tolerate it because I love him. You don't seem to enjoy your friend's company, you say you can't really avoid her, so tell her. Start the conversation with a disclaimer each time and she'll either get the hint she's annoying, or decide that she can't change who she is and distance herself, solving the problem each way.

Meh, she was just trying to help. Some people interpret different social situations differently and she may have thought that was the most useful response she could offer. It's probably what I'd have done, or expected my friends to do too. If someone offers me advice I don't want I either disagree with them and start a debate argument or say "yea you're right. In hindsight, I should've done that".

yanbu, that type of behaviour is infuriatingly rude, she's not interested in listening to you and she doesn't hear what you're saying, your problems are an excuse for her to enjoy the sound of her own lectures. Some people are best not spoken to, don't waste your breath.

Exactly how many miles away did you have to park?

I'm surprised she didn't suggest you got a bus from where your parked your car.

Hands up - I'm not much of a "there, there"'er. It really doesn't come naturally at all, and it's certainly not that I think I know better than anyone else, it's just how I am. My mind automatically goes towards a solution to a problem rather than thinking "that's shit". Tbf when I have a moan it's generally in the hope someone can offer up information I wasn't aware of. In reverse I really don't understand moaning for the sake of it - it just seems so negative to me and I've never really gotten anything out of it myself.

It's genuinely out of a love for someone - you don't want them to be sad/upset/frustrated/suffering so you look for something to ease it. I do try to temper it because I know it can come off preachy, but then the people closest to me can tell me if they don't want to hear it without offense to either party.

If you can't be honest with each other about those types of things it may be just simply that you're incompatible as friends, warts and all isn't it I suppose? If it's not something you can see a way to deal with without expecting her to change completely then I think you're better off being honest about the fact, despite your kids being friends, you two are not.

Nothing wrong with that - we don't have to be bessie's with everyone, but you can't change peoples personalities.

Ah well, just don't meet up with her then. You won't change her!