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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think working full time will be the easier option?

28 replies

Reality · 03/08/2013 10:00

I've done 11 years now of working either part time or working from home and therefore doing full on parenting.

I'm exhausted. We've just got back from a week away, and while I enjoyed it it just felt a bit like the same old real life but in a different place. I am around my children all day every day. I cook, I clean, I referee arguments, I organise, I think for everybody all the time. DH is great, but because I'm here every day it all falls to me by default.

I've had enough of it. I start my new job in a couple of weeks, working 9-6 Monday to Friday. I will drop all three DC at the CM at 8.30 and then go to work with grown ups and not think about children until 6pm, when I will come home to my dinner on the table. DH is home at 4, he'll pick up the kids, keep house, cook dinner, do the shopping, take over the thinking.

I have the idea that it's going to be a lovely rest from doing all the shitwork, and then I can enjoy spending weekends with the family without feeling wrung out from spending all week with them.

AIBU? Or deluded?

OP posts:
OwlinaTree · 03/08/2013 10:03

I think after 11 years of child care as the default state it will be a big change for you! Sounds like you are ready for a change tho.

Good luck with the new job, and enjoy your family time at the weekends.

MaryPoppinsBag · 03/08/2013 10:04

As a childminder that sounds lovely to me Grin

Justforlaughs · 03/08/2013 10:06

Depends on your DH whether you are deluded or not. My own DH would indeed have done all the cooking/ housework by the time I got home, but other working mums will have a different story to tell, hope it works out for you

hadababygirl · 03/08/2013 10:08

It is hard to be honest, I hate leaving my baby at nursery. My job can be stressful - bitchy colleagues, patronising management, demands here there and everywhere. I rarely get the much-alluded to toilet brek/hot tea constantly referred to on Mumsnet. Then have to drive through rush hour traffic to collect DD, get in needing a wee, needing a drink, but with a fractious, tired child on my hands.

Really, I think we just need to accept being a parent is hard ...

TidyDancer · 03/08/2013 10:09

Everyone feels different about this so you'll never get a uniform answer unfortunately!

Personally being at home with my DCs is a walk in the park compared to my job, but this really is just how I feel. If you have especially demanding children (which I don't, fortunately) or an easygoing job (again which I don't!) then your perspective would change.

Quality time with DCs will always be the most important thing, so it sounds like you have it all planned well. :)

Original poster
Reality · 03/08/2013 10:13

MaryPoppinsBag, I've been Childminding for five years, I think that's why I'm so ready to do the complete opposite...

Quality time is key. I don't feel that I enjoy my children much at the moment because I'm never away from them. I hate feeling like that. We had an hour on holiday when my parents minded the sleeping baby and the older two were doing an activity and it was my favourite bit of the whole holiday. That made me sad.

OP posts:
UnderwaterBasketWeaving · 03/08/2013 10:15

YANBU, I love working full time!

But then, I don't think I'd cut the mustard as a sahm, and instead we have a wonderful childminder who DS adores.

Fortunately my job allows for regular extended time off to spend with DS.

Plus, both DH and I working means we are pretty equal in home responsibilities. Although term times are frantic, we both work till midnight most nights after DS is in bed.

I love it this way. And you might too!

dreamingofsun · 03/08/2013 10:16

i now work part time which for me has been the best solution - or at least better than working full-time. for me maternity leave was like a lovely holiday. working FT, which i did for many years, was hard work. But then every job and every person is different.

have you got back up plans for when your children are sick? what happens if the childminder can't take them? can you get a cleaner so you and your husband don't spend all your free time catching up on jobs? can someone attend school events and what happens about holiday cover (eg childminders)

there are many stresses involved in working FT and i found i was constantly in a rush - no chatting with other school mums at the gate for me.

good luck, hope it goes well

ChippingInHopHopHop · 03/08/2013 10:17

Reality it definitely sounds like you need a change - so this could be good!! If it's not, then you can either go back to CMing, or do something different can't you :) How old is 'The Baby' now?

The big question though, is - what is your sister going to do for childcare??? (or is she a SAHM now?)

RadishRobin · 03/08/2013 10:17

Will be interested to read your thread as I've wondered the same myself.

My fear is that whilst DH would clean / cook / referee, it would still be up to me to do all the thinking and organising and remembering.

janey68 · 03/08/2013 10:20

I think a lot depends on the age of your children. I'm guessing as you've been doing p/t and working from home for 11 years, they maybe aren't that young and frankly you've probably outgrown the phase and want something different

Tbh I think working from home must be very hard in that you don't get the change of scenery and social interaction so I understand why you're feeling that even after a week away it's all a bit 'same old same old'...

If any of your children are still very young, then I'm not convinced working f/t will be the easier option

Also a lot depends on the job. It's a tough old world out there and there aren't many employers who'll happily pay full time wages without expecting hard work in return. I know you've been in work all this time so I'm not personally directing this at you, but I just feel its important to make the point, because sometimes you hear people talking about going to work for a rest, when in reality, although being at home with young children is exhausting and relentless in its own way, going to work brings other pressures. Meeting deadlines, measuring up to other people's standards and always having to keep that professional smile on even when you're knackered are all part of the world of work

Sounds like your DH is on board and that's key, and actually an advantage of going f/t as with him finishing earlier it means he will get more hands on time with the kids- so great for your children

Finally, if you've been p/t for 11 years it makes total sense from the pension point of view to go up to f/t again. I had just 4 years of p/t and was quite shocked at how even this short amount of time out of f/t working knocked a considerable sum off my pension... It's how pensions are calculated and is one of those things it's easy to overlook

Good luck with it all

dreamingofsun · 03/08/2013 10:21

radish - that has been my experience. luckily i'm pretty organised, but we live on lists in this house. otherwise it would be total chaos.

TheSecondComing · 03/08/2013 10:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Viviennemary · 03/08/2013 10:30

Sometimes a change is as good as a rest or nearly. It very much depends on a lot of things. How stressful the job you take will be. How far you travel. How reliable is your childcare. And how much you like the job. A job you hate can be tiring, stressful and generally dreadful.

Original poster
Reality · 03/08/2013 10:36

The DC are 11, 9 and 2 (almost).

DH is really looking forward to being the 'primary parent'. Much talk has been had of how organised he will be, there will be homework and music practice done while he flings the hoover round and simultaneously cooks a delicious meal, for eg Wink

I have high hopes for my job, the company seem great, the office is ten minutes away, the job itself is interesting. I have a lovely Childminder and a backup (my other sister has registered as a CM and is taking over my nieces as well as being my backup for DS2).

I'm really looking forward to it.

TSC what are you studying? And OMG at your baby starting school. It goes too quickly.

OP posts:
TheSecondComing · 03/08/2013 10:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MaryPoppinsBag · 03/08/2013 10:43

Reality (I think I recognise you now one poster has mentioned your sister is she the one with the Grobags? )

It is hard working from home and having no change of scenery. We are moving soon and I'm soooo unsettled because my life is this house and I have no where to escape to from the boxes/ work that needs doing in the new house. And I have to run a business from it as well.

I can only see myself doing CM for another year or so. Love the kids but the impact on my own kids is telling. I'm done in at 6, whereas when I worked outside the home I couldn't wait to get home to see DS's little face and get cracking with chores etc.

However, due to the distinct lack of CM's (me and one other who wants to retire soon) at my DC's school I don't have alternative care when family can't cover.

Your arrangement sounds great with your DH sorting stuff from 4.

catgirl1976 · 03/08/2013 10:45

With a supportive DH doing his fair share around the home I think YANBU.

Without one, I think you will find it is harder

But if he is doing the cleaning, shopping and getting the dinner ready etc, you should be great.

I am rather jealous as I work FT and do all the cleaning, shopping, thinking, bill paying, cooking, laundry etc etc

CaptainSweatPants · 03/08/2013 10:46

What job did you get Reality?
I think it all sounds amazing excelt when Dh gets bored & says he's doing everything & you have a big row about a month in

Or that's how it'd go for me Grin

HKat · 03/08/2013 10:52

I'm in the opposite boat - my dd is only 14 months and I've been back ft since she was five months. I
She goes to k wonderful nursery but I'm struggling being away from her all the time. My job pays extremely well but is very stressful and I'm on the verge of makinga abig decision. We can't really affod for me to go pt but I might be able to do the same job but contracting - so same money, less hour, more time with dd. Sounds perfect but obviously I'll be giving up a permanent position which is scary, especially as its a niche industry and I know that work as a contractor will only be guaranteed for a couple of years so it's a huge decision whether to give up the security of a full time position. Meh. Good luck with your new job op, it sounds like the right choice for you.

HollyBerryBush · 03/08/2013 11:02

TBH with you I find working far easier than being at home - the house is always tidy for one thing because there is no one here to make it untidy.

VelvetSpoon · 03/08/2013 11:02

The worst things of working FT for me have been the commute (at its worst 2 hours each way, the best is my current job which is 50 mins each way) which meant leaving at 7-7.30 every morning, dragging the DC to the bus, etc etc. Then not getting home til 7, having to cook, clean and so on (because my then P never got home much before me and didn't 'do' any kind of household chores).

A commute of 10 mins, plus your DH doing all the early evening stuff sounds pretty much perfect, hope you enjoy your new job :)

Iaintdunnuffink · 03/08/2013 11:07

You're not necessarily deluded :)

I've been all sorts, part time with a young baby, SAHM, part time with school aged kids, full time but not working school holidays, now full time with school aged kids. Different ways have worked out well for us at various stages.

During the first 12 months my husband had to seriously change his expectations. He wasn't the type of man to assume house work was the wife's job but its amazing how much of the daily shit and planning was still left for me to think about and delegate.

Even on holiday I'd get non stop boring questions thrown at me, where does the wet swimming stuff go, what are the children going to drink, where's the charger, do they have clean shorts.mI frequently growled, inwardly, fuck off and use your own headspace, whilst outwardly smiling and turning the question back on him.

It took a while and a few tantrums from me but I think he's finally got it. A few times he's had a day off whilst the kids were at school and ..... Didn't have time for lunch!!!!..... Because there wasn't much time after dropping them off doing a couple of chores, getting stuff for dinner.

I find it easier that we're both working full time and so everything is pretty much 50/50. There is no excuse for more of it to fall to me. He does more of the holiday and sickness care with the kids than me because he can work from home.

It's now the weekend and all the meal planning isn't my responsibility, or the washing. If the house isnt cleanish by the end of the weekend, its him who'll have to live with the consequences, i'll be in the office. For the first time he's taking up half the responsibility for our holiday. He's not uttered those "all I need to do is bung some clothes in a bag" words. He's wondered where the case is and is researching where we're going and printing info out. Usually it's me talking at him and trying to extract info whilst he stares at his ipad. Something must've dropped that if he doesn't then I ain't gonna pil up the slack.

Iaintdunnuffink · 03/08/2013 11:08

Good luck with your new job :)

pianodoodle · 03/08/2013 11:09

A change is as good as a rest etc... Good luck :)

Radishrobin - My fear is that whilst DH would clean / cook / referee, it would still be up to me to do all the thinking and organising and remembering

This might be my concern too although I think that would always be the case no matter what we were both doing. Good luck to your DH as well!