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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to receive bad news whilst on Holiday?

85 replies

mrsshearsagain · 03/08/2013 08:20

Dh and I need some views on this one, we are due to go on hoilday with our dc in 3 weeks time, it is a long haul for which we have done lots of saving.
While disussing various points about the holiday it has become apparent that we don't agree on this issue, my view is that if something were to happen whilst we were away in the form of bad news, I would not want to be made aware until we returned, reasons being there is no way we would be able to get back early due to the extra cost, we would worry constantly whilst away and the holiday would be ruined for the children, dh disagrees and says he would rather know.
Whilst I'm not 100% about the idea, I don't see the point of being made aware of something that we are unable to do anything about until we return and that could result in a lot of worry and stress, what do you think?

OP posts:

ByTheSea · 03/08/2013 10:03

FIL died suddenly and unexpectedly on the first day of our two-week holiday in the US several years ago. BIL Rrghtly tracked us down. How could we have lived with ourselves if if we hadn't known and missed the fkuneral?

springytotty · 03/08/2013 10:05

I would be absolutely furious to not be told until I got home something as important as someone dying (or in hospital). I would feel patronised. Life just goes the way it goes, whether you're on holiday or not. It's not all about whether you can do something or not, it's about processing the thing and offering support, should it be needed, either over the phone/skype or in person. if there's nothing you can do then the family often urge you to stay put and save on the expense of having to come back early. If you're weeping behind your sunglasses well that's just how it goes.

That said, I recently looked after someone's house/dogs while the whole family was away on holiday and their house was burgled. I hesitated about whether to tell them, but it became evident that it was someone they knew and I made the choice to tell them so they could give the police vital info (which I didn't know) asap. They caught the bugger before he sold the stuff on , largely due to vital info the family provided.

I think it's different in pp's case in that they were the primary carers and were having a much-needed break for a week. I can quite see that they didn't need to know if something happened, even the worst. I also have a friend whose mother died while my friend, who was 12, was on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. The family didn't tell her and, by the time she got home, the funeral was long over - and her mother was never spoken of again in order to not 'upset' my friend. She's spent a lifetime fucked up about it. Unusual circs (badly handled all round) but give people the dignity to process things healthily? If you don't want to hear OP then that's one thing but your husband does. He wouldn't be able to keep it quiet should something awful happen like a death, so you're just going to have to suck it up and support him. His needs supersede yours imo. (I can't help thinking you may never have experienced a death/bereavement? They are almost always horrific/difficult - holding the info off for a few days/weeks goes nowhere anyway; in fact makes it worse imo.)

imnotmymum · 03/08/2013 10:06

Do you know I have never ever considered this when going on holiday...Agree depends on what bad news is classed as and to what degree.
Failing an exam can wait, death need to know, illness again need to know , house burned down need to know the Goldfish dying can wait...

Squitten · 03/08/2013 10:09

I would want to know if someone in my family was in hospital or dying so that I could take the decision as to whether or not I had to go home. I would never be able to live with myself if I enjoyed my holiday while my Mum was dying or something.

Other than that, no.

Bowlersarm · 03/08/2013 10:11

I would absolutely want to be told bad news immediately.

The feeling of getting home and being told it after the event, would mean that I would never have any trust in being away again. It would be like a big black cloud hanging over me. I would always be worried that something awful had happened,,and nobody wanted to tell me.

Abra1d · 03/08/2013 10:14

I've always trusted those around me to know when I should be told. They would call us re. death or very sudden critical illness or the house burning down. Not if someone found out they had six months to live because one week away (all we usually have) wouldn't make any difference to the outcome.

At least, I hope this is how they would call it. I have one SIL who used to do telephone round robins on all kinds of family issues, regardless of where people were. I think we have trained her now, though.

ALMOSTMRSG · 03/08/2013 10:15

My DF died suddenly while Dh and I were on holiday in Cyprus. My dsis called me and arrangements were made for us to come home. My family were devastated. My DM wanted all the family to have say in the funeral arrangements, so they were waiting on me coming home. My place was with my mum, brothers and sister, not on holiday. The thought of not being with them at this time is awful and upsetting. Having a good time on holiday while my mum was grieving, I don't think I could forgive myself.

OP if its money you're worried about then travel insurance will compensate you.

And I hope you are never in this situation.

Wbdn28 · 03/08/2013 10:18

I'd want to know. Otherwise I'd probably spend the holiday worrying about whether there was any bad news!

springytotty · 03/08/2013 10:30

Travel insurance wouldn't cover you if the person who died/went into hospital had a pre-existing illness when the insurance was bought.

TheSecondComing · 03/08/2013 10:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WipsGlitter · 03/08/2013 10:37

My sister is like this. We are under pain of death not to contact her when she's on holiday. I got told off when I'd been calling her when our uncle was dieing as it was spoiling her holiday. I just wanted to share it with someone close as it was the same circs in which our dad died.

She was so mean about it that I actually hesitated calling her when our mum had a heart attack. I did in the end and she was glad I had but she didn't cut her holiday short. Which makes her sound really horrid but our mum said she didn't want her to come home Martha here was able to do all the running and work anyway

GuffSmuggler · 03/08/2013 10:51

I'm aghast at this. Even if you couldn't get home, wouldn't you want to be there on the phone for the other parent offering comfort and helping during a horrendous time!?

I personally would find it hard to come to terms with if I'd been unaware and having a jolly time sunning myself whilst my family were collapsing with grief back home but had been told not to spoil my holiday.

Essexgirlupnorth · 03/08/2013 10:52

My uncle died while my sister was on honeymoon and my parents made it very clear she wasn't to be told.
He had cancer and was in hospital but my mum hadn't told either me or my sister that they had only given him a week or so too live as she would have probably cancelled her wedding and not have gone on the honeymoon.
She missed the funeral too as was still away.
She was understandably upset with my mum for not telling her.

GuffSmuggler · 03/08/2013 11:13

I would have been upset with that too essexgirl.

I think it's up to the individual to choose what to do and I would be angry if someone felt they needed to take that choice away from me 'for my own good'. Just seems like you are not being treated like a grown adult.

Dillydollydaydream · 03/08/2013 11:22

My parents are away for 3 weeks at the moment. My dm has specifically said that if anything happens to my Nan while they are away they don't want to be told. My nan is 89 so it's not completely unlikely something could happen.

ThinkAboutItTomorrow · 03/08/2013 11:30

I can second Pagwatch's experience I'm afraid.

I was on holiday when my dad died suddenly and it wouldn't have been remotely feasible not to rush home to my mum.

Insurance covers getting you home in this situation but not if you only have a couple of days to wait. I was due to go home on Sunday and my dad died on Friday. I was beside myself needing to get home and as another poster said, that is what the credit card is for. I just paid what I had to to get the next flight I could make. In the grand scheme money doesn't matter.

specialsubject · 03/08/2013 11:43

Tricky one. My feeling is that if someone dies, there is nothing you can do and you will be upset enough anyway, so why wreck the holiday too? BUT if it is one of your parents, the other one will probably want you there.

I've had it happen on a big expensive holiday. The insurance did pay out and we repeated the trip in the following year. I agree that we should have discussed what to do in advance, although I don't regret that we came home early. Leaving instructions does make it easier for those at home who are faced with ringing you in the middle of the night your time.

sadly if one of your parents loses their life partner, the survivor will want you to come home if you have any kind of normal relationship.

have the discussion - but if your parents are in good health, remember that the odds of one of them dying in the next three weeks are reasonably low.

Mrsrobertduvall · 03/08/2013 11:44

My dad died 3 days into a 10 day holiday.
He was in a hospice, in a coma when we left, and my brother called to tell us.
We didn't come home early...nothing we could have done, and the funeral was not until we got back.

lottiegarbanzo · 03/08/2013 11:55

I'd just like to throw in that I don't think the reason for not telling someone is to avoid ruining their holiday exactly. It is because telling them while they are far away and unable to do anything about the situation and probably very frustrated and upset about that, imposes a huge stress on them, while gaining nothing for the people back home.

So, if knowing means they can make some calls to help sort things or prepare for their own return, great. But if the situation is already being dealt with and nothing is likely to change further while they're away, why cause them a lot of pointless stress?

I think people often want to do this because they (the people back home) want to talk to someone and share the burden, without considering how much worse a burden, because the hearer is impotent to act, they are passing on, rather than for the benefit of the person who's away.

Jan49 · 03/08/2013 12:07

You probably won't have a choice about whether you're told or not, unless you specifically discuss this issue with someone who agrees not to call. If you leave your contact details, the person with the details will decide whether to call you or not, whether it's to say your house has been burgled, your cat's sick or your relative has died. Alternatively, you give no one any means of contacting you and you risk coming back to find out there was something you really wish you'd been contacted about sooner.

OP, if your inlaws are elderly but not terminally ill, your travel insurance should cover returning home in an emergency. I think your DH might regret it if it was one of his parents and he didn't find out until after the funeral.

QuintessentiallyOhDear · 03/08/2013 12:10

My sister and her daughter had their holiday ruined by the news of daughters cousin dying.

It ruined their holiday, but in the grand scheme of things, my nieces aunt and uncle had a lot more ruined than just a holiday.

I am with your dh on this one. I cant believe you put a holiday above all.

tittytittyhanghang · 03/08/2013 12:10

I dont think i would want to know, especially if there was the chance that the insurance wouldnt cover us to come home. Id rather have blissful ignorance for the sake of a few days.

OHforDUCKScake · 03/08/2013 12:18

I had a friend who was killed on a motor bike when she was 23. Her parents were on holiday at the time and the rest of my friends family waited until they were back in Britain to tell them.

To this day I dont know where they made the right decision.

I mean, it was their daughter.

diddl · 03/08/2013 12:22

Seems a major overthink if you are not expecting bad news tbh.

However, if your thoughts are towards your ILs, I would say it's entirely his decision if he wants to know if something happens to them.

If you don't want to know anything about your family, that's up to you.

I'm one of two siblings, & I couldn't imagine leaving my sibling to cope with a bereaved parent, for example.

I wouldn't necessarily expect my husband & children to give up the holiday unless they wanted to, though.

Birdsgottafly · 03/08/2013 12:28

It is for individual families to decide.

My FIL died after a long illness, on the third day of my BIL's holiday, we had to tell them, as he had been ill, the body was immediately released for burial. It took a day to get in touch with him.

They were on a package holiday and the Rep was brilliant, she arranged everything, at no extra cost, even though they wasn't covered by insurance for this.

If he hadn't of returned early, he would of missed the funeral, or had no input in it.

We didn't tell BIL about the chest infection that, FIL developed the day after he flew, as there had been many and he could of recovered.

I do believe in discussing funerals, though, even if a death isn't expected, it saves the fallout, which always happens if one relative feels slighted.

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