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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be angry with DH

22 replies

redpickle · 02/08/2013 22:42

In short, he has gone out tonight after work. He said it would be one or two drinks but its turned into several. All fine BUT he has epilepsy and can only drink one night a week and certainly not have a skin full. Tomorrow night we were supposed to be having an anniversary dinner at home, cooking a course each, champagne etc. So either, that is now all off OR he will insist on doing it anyway and end up being quiet and hungover and risk it affecting his epilepsy. This was supposed to be a special night and we were making an effort because things have been tense between us recently. So AIBU to be a bit miffed/pissed off/disappointed?

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 02/08/2013 22:47

Understand you being upset.

Could his 'week' end tonight and start again tomorrow?

Original poster

redpickle · 02/08/2013 22:48

Doesn't really work like that with his brain. If he drinks 2 nights in a row, he will be ill

OP posts:

OrthodonticUrticaria · 02/08/2013 22:49

YANBU

I'd be so annoyed, and it would probably spill over into tomorrow and ruin the evening I'd looked forward to for so long, esp since the things I'd planned would have to be tempered because of his binge drinking.

Then I'd get the blame for ruining the anniversary dinner.

Do you ever go out "for one" and just stay out all night getting hammered and have your DH worry at home about your health?
Or is it just him?

HollyBerryBush · 02/08/2013 22:50

Are you sure hes having a skinful and not just on soft ones now but enjoying the company?

waltermittymissus · 02/08/2013 22:50

That's actually pretty nasty!

Original poster

redpickle · 02/08/2013 22:52

He wont be on the soft ones because apparently its not the done thing in 'the city'

OP posts:

Original poster

redpickle · 02/08/2013 22:53

I've been planning the menu, even been on here asking for suggestions. What a mug.

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/08/2013 22:57

You can still have fun. He can have fizzy elderflower and you can have the Champagne.

It does sort of sound like he was sabotaging your night though. Why would he?

ChippingInHopHopHop · 02/08/2013 22:58

redpickle :(

Does he feel as strongly about not drinking two nights in a row as you do? Does he agree it will impact on tomorrow night or does he just think you are OTT about that?

Original poster

redpickle · 02/08/2013 23:03

He thinks i worry too much. He doesn't see what i see and he doesn't realise that i'm the one who has to look after him and protect the DC (he gets disorientated and a bit fighty post-seizure). Hes ok drinking moderately but if he has too much hes either silent and tired or at risk of a fit. Having said that his meds are going well but why rock the boat?

OP posts:

Bogeyface · 02/08/2013 23:07

OP YANBU.

If I were you then I would cancel tomorrow night and tell him that you will celebrate your anniversary when he is physically and emotionally able to do so. Given that he would rather get pissed with his mates tonight than save up for tomorrow then he doesnt give a shiney shite about your plans. Tell him that when he is does give a toss, you will celebrate with him.

It is very hard to have and live with a conditon like his, but you asked for one night in a whole year and he couldnt give you that. I would be fecking fuming.

OhThePlacesYoullGo · 02/08/2013 23:10

Does he actually have seizures if he drinks two nights in a row? Drinking in moderation is ok for many people with epilepsy...

ChippingInHopHopHop · 02/08/2013 23:11

Red - well, in that case I don't think he's sabotaging your night tomorrow night, so I don't think you should 'take it personally'. I'm guessing that he feels it's 'his health - his business' and you feel it's 'his health - but impacts on the family' and this is where the problem is.

Mind you, if you have been having a lot of other problems, maybe he's just a selfish arse who doesn't care!? Only you know the answer to that :(

Andro · 02/08/2013 23:11

Not unreasonable as you, but equally he probably has no recollection of what he's like post seizure etc.

Have you tried video taping him to show him? A bit of an odd suggestion, but it might help him understand?

Original poster

redpickle · 02/08/2013 23:13

But its not moderation. He wont definitely have a seizure but he will certainly be crushingly tired and uncommunicative for a few days

OP posts:

kinkyfuckery · 02/08/2013 23:17

Trying to lighten the mood a bit (because you don't need more people telling you he's being an asshole), more champagne for you!

OhThePlacesYoullGo · 02/08/2013 23:18

Is he usually quite good in controlling his condition? Has he had it long? It's a tricky one, because while I have every sympathy for you and it would probably annoy me too, I also think that he is a 'grown up' and gets to make his own choices as to what his body can and cannot handle. If his epilepsy is poorly controlled and he often 'does things' which trigger his seizures, it's a different kettle of fish and it may be good for him to have a chat with his epilepsy nurse or neurologist.

OhThePlacesYoullGo · 02/08/2013 23:21

As an aside: I have epilepsy and while it's a different issue, my DP will always try to tell me to go to bed (because my seizures are often triggered by being over tired). It absolutely infuriates me. I am not five. I know when I need to go to bed and how to take care of myself.

Flojobunny · 02/08/2013 23:24

YABU, he went out and started to enjoy himself with his mates and didnt want to rush back.
You can still have a lovely meal without champagne.

Original poster

redpickle · 02/08/2013 23:29

Context is, he got it out of the blue 10 years ago. I woke up in the middle of the night to find him with his eyes rolling, foaming at the mouth etc. i thought he was choking. We've been through a lot since then and it had been poorly controlled. Fingers crossed for the last year, he has been clear but its so unpredictable, who knows. I recently had counselling because I started suffering with anxiety and panic attacks at night - worrying he would have a fit. It has caused tension because I'm constantly asking him if he's ok. Our marriage has suffered as a result. Thats why our anniversary dinner matters too. He's a lovely, lovely guy and I'm sure he needs to just unwind. I just wish he had picked another night.

OP posts:

Bogeyface · 02/08/2013 23:30

A grown up who chooses how to handle his condition is fine, as long as he appreciates how it affects those he lives with.

If he doesnt appreciate that then a) he is in denial about his condition b) is a selfish arse or c) both. Only the OP knows which one it is.

OhThePlacesYoullGo · 02/08/2013 23:38

redpickle, it sounds like you've both had a really tough time of it. The good thing is that if he hasn't had a seizure in a year, it is actually fairly unlikely he would have a breakthrough one for no obvious reason, e.g. not taking his medication as prescribed. I hope your anniversary dinner turns out to be fabulous. :)

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