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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Had enough...AIBU to cut all contact??

13 replies

StickAForkInMeIAmDone · 02/08/2013 21:38

This could be long but will try and keep it brief.....I am NC...to depressing for my reg nn :(

Myself and my mother have never been close, she doesn't like dh...at all despite a 5yo ds and a almost 10year happy relationship.
Shit hit the fan between her and me in March. She did something and despite the fact that I know for a fact that she did it (witnesses) she is still claiming that she has done nothing wrong.

Since March I have had phonecalls asking to talk which always result in argument...well I say argument, as soon as she hears something she doesn't like, she starts laying on guilt about other members of the family. It ends with me hanging up and silence fo a month before she repeats.

Last weekend I had a visit from a Gparent (my mum threatened to send him round ). He came into my home, tried his damn hardest to make me feel bad, told me I was selfish, a coward etc , and again tried the guilt factor (seems it runs on my mothers side that!) .. As soon as I tried to put my point across I got a stream of verbal abuse and guilt laying , as did dh! Some bloody awful things were said by him that are never going to be forgotten!

This was all whilst my ds was in the living room... :( When he left stormed out slamming the door.

Thankfully, I think ds is fine but I grew up listening to arguemnets and quite frankly I am fuming that my ds had to hear it, that my gparent though that it was acceptable to come into my home and shout the odds when he didn't get his way.... dh and I don't argue so it would be the first time he would have heard anything like that!

I have never been close to my family, I am happier with them out of my life. What happened on sat has cemented that I do not want anything more to do with any of them!

Yesterday and today I have had a text from my mother asking for me to call her to make arrangements for her to see ds. She has seen him twice since march, I said right at the start if she wanted to see him them see could, I had no issue with that before. She didn't make any effort and now all of a sudden she wants to see him.
I have ignored so far....I don't know what else to do. If I start talking to her it will blow up...again! I honestly am very close to my stress limits with this!

I truly believe its because she knows she has lost control and is trying to use my ds in some way to get it back.

I do not want him to have anything to do with her again....neither does dh. Ds barely has a relationship with her and has not asked to see her once, he is not missing anything in my eyes.

On top of this I do not feel comfortable with him being around any of them, my gut is telling me its not right :(

AIBU??
And if anyone has any advice on how to deal with this I will be open to any suggestions!

OP posts:

MammaTJ · 02/08/2013 21:40

Ignore, ignore, ignore some more. Change your numbers. YANBU!!

CrapBag · 02/08/2013 21:41

Just because you happen to be related to someone does not mean you have to put up with shit from them. If you are happier without them in your life and what has happened is never going to be resolved then cut them out. I don't go for this 'blood is thicker than water' shite.

Text her back telling her she can't see him and you won't be dealing with her theatrics anymore.

YoniRanger · 02/08/2013 21:48

Ignore. Your DS won't benefit from knowing people like that.

Original poster

StickAForkInMeIAmDone · 02/08/2013 22:04

CrapBag I don't go for the 'blood is thicker than water shit' either.

Ignore, ignore, ignore may well have to become my new motto !

OP posts:

MNiscold · 02/08/2013 22:09

who is it that says "No is a complete sentence?" I think you need that one....

Alisvolatpropiis · 02/08/2013 22:12

Yanbu.

Cutting contact may well be the most reasonable thing you can possible do. How awful they all sound

LemonPeculiarJones · 02/08/2013 22:18

If she starts banging on about 'grandparents rights', it'll be bullshit. That only ever applies if the gparents have played a big part actively raising their GCs.

So cut contact with full confidence.

Original poster

StickAForkInMeIAmDone · 02/08/2013 22:21

MNiscold Must remember that! :)

Lemon I did have a quick look on-line tonight , was a bit nervous about it, but its seems she can't do shit really! I don't know if she would go down that route but if she did it would be for all the wrong reasons :(

OP posts:

CrapBag · 02/08/2013 22:55

I don't think that GPs have automatic rights either. Ultimately, they did not give birth to the child or father it, therefore they have no actual claim. Not an actual legal standpoint but my own view. I doubt very much that any court would take her seriously should she choose to go down that route.

Tell her to bog off out of your life. Ok, not actually helpful of me but having some shit relatives that I would quite happily never see again I can't be assed with people like this.

Alisvolatpropiis · 02/08/2013 23:04

Grandparents can and do apply for some kind of contact but as Lemon says, it is a difficult argument to win at court.

Do what is best for you OP. cutting yourself off from these people sounds the best way forward for you and your children.

Let the GP's waste their money on a legal action that will prove unsuccessful if they choose. They'll have to pay your legal costs in the end.

ShabbyButNotChic · 02/08/2013 23:15

Yanbu to cut contact. Unfortunately you cant pick your family! Throughout my family there has been 3 people cut out for good, (nobody has spoken to my uncle/gran for 15yrs for example). It is a bit shit at the time but truly liberating when you realise, actually, i dont need this shit in my life. Especially from someone who you didnt pick to be in your life.

Some people arent meant to get on, and just because you happen to be family doesnt mean you should be miserable/scared/angry etc.
good luck, do what you have to do to support your chosen family, ie, those who you live with.

Original poster

StickAForkInMeIAmDone · 03/08/2013 00:02

Some families can be a bitch!

OP posts:

AgentZigzag · 03/08/2013 00:26

I've had a similar situation and come out the other side (also with relatives being instructed to talk me round).

It took a while though.

If you don't think your mum's harmful to your DS and genuinely do want him to have a relationship with him, then you'd be doing that for him and not you/her.

But you sound very angry still, which would be a problem if you really don't mind your DS having contact with your mum. Ideally you'd be detached/unemotional, able to drop off/pick up/whatever with a bit of surface chat etc, but never get drawn in or rise to her bait, not let her rile you because you don't care what she has to say.

It's possible only the passing of time can give you that.

But I can totally understand if you drop any pretense at social niceties and decide you don't want that for your DS, she's not a nice person (even though she can still have a good side to her) and you're opting out.

The best way to do that is to totally disengage (as other posters have suggested) and instead of talking about it to her/rellies, just switch off, let them talk but don't say much yourself. Don't take calls or look at emails from her, and definitely never justify yourself to anyone. This is you and your DH's choice as parents, nowt to do with any other fucker.

I was more upset at the fact that I didn't miss her than sad at actually not seeing her. But that just backed up that I'd done the right thing, if she was as great as she made out why wasn't I bothered?

It's possible she could genuinely want to see your DS (so she looks like a doting GP?) but if she does, she. has. to. behave. (said in the same way a parent would to a child )

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