To put off having another child based on previous post-natal depression?

[JohFlow]

I got pregnant at 27 (unplanned). At that point I was at the top of my career; and had what seemed like an O.k relationship with my partner. I decided to go through with having my DS because I could not see myself taking any of the other options available and had thought of having children later on in life. Its was then that I became aware that my partner was not entirely happy. He did not speak to me at all for the three days after we found out I was pregnant. He did not tell me that he didn't want my son but dragged himself begrudgingly through my pregnancy and after.

The pregnancy was healthy physically but emotionally difficult. Whilst my partner did small things to look after me - he did little to prepare for the new baby and talking about how I felt was a no no. My mum had also decided to take off to live in America two weeks before the birth.

When my DS was born there were serious problems with his feeding (later diagnosed with food allergies). During the day he was constantly dissatisfied crying, griping, vomiting etc. I was up nearly 24 hours a day. My mood was suicidaly low and I felt detached from my partner, my child and myself. I had even entertained the idea of giving my son up. There was no support from my partner and the doctors took a full 18 months to decide that my DS had eating difficulties. I was isolated at home and my self-care skills had gone out of the window. I joined a baby and mother group and put on a brave face - but how successful other mothers were being made me further doubt my ability to mother. I felt like I was 'going through the motions'. Finally my son was diagnosed and a kind senior health visitor noticed that my mood was also flat. I was diagnosed with PND. I had had previous clinical depression before pregnancy.

Now I am with a new partner and we have talked about possibly having children in the future.

I am scared though. I don't feel that I could go through what I did last time. I felt that what should have been a happy time was one of the darkest places in my life.

Has anyone else had a similar experience and decided to move on an have other children?

Not been anywhere like where you have been in regards to your experience of your first pregnancy, however, I think if you do want more and your new partner does too you may find it liberating how different it will be this time round.

I don't have experience of that, but I just wanted to respond and say having more children isn't compulsory and you shouldn't feel pressure to go through another pregnancy and birth if its not entirely what you want. It could be a totally different experience another time, and you may not suffer from PND again, but that doesn't mean you should feel obliged to have more kids. Many families are very happy with one.

I may be worth talking it over with your GP as you have a tendency to depression, but ultimately the decision has to be yours

If it is just the prospect of PND putting you off, there is a lot you can do to minimise your risk of going through it again.

You need to reflect fully on what you needed last time that you didn't get, and how and where you can receive good support with a second baby.
This is not a quick thing. You will need to be practical - find a supportive GP, what can you expect from maternity care? Would it be wise to join a PND support group during your pregnancy? Or get some counselling? Would having a cleaner help? Or a babysitter lined up for your older child? If you a on medication, can you continue to take this during pregnancy?

I went through all this. I armed myself with help from a psychiatrist specialising in maternity care, an obstetrician with a proven track record in managing PND patients, had plan for medication during pregnancy and post birth, arranged practical help for baby's early weeks and all up tried to be prepared rather than sucking up what was dealt to me.

Really interesting post fionas, thanks.

I will have to consider this in the future too.

I had a breakdown when I returned to work after having my son. I've suffered from anxiety and depression for years but this was the worst I've ever felt. It's making me (and my partner) nervous about having a second child.
That said.. I KNOW I can get lots of support and if I do struggle I will come through it again.. I am pretty sure having a second child is more important for me.

When I was pregnant (actually when we were ttc as I was on medication and had a fab relationship with my gp) I was really closely monitored by my gp and the antenatal consultant (who I saw because of my history of depression). After the birth the midwives, HV and GP were really on the ball watching me, I probably saw someone twice a week for a fwe months. There is a LOT of support out, if you do decide to try for another child.

love kxx

You don't have to have more children, it isn't the law

I didn't,I couldn't risk severe pnd again.

Thank you for your comments so far. There is no pressure from my partner. He understands that I had a rough ride last time. He tells me that he likes the idea of being a dad (he has no biological children at the moment) but that it is not the be all and end all. We have also talked at length about not having children and he can live with that too. He has a very good relationship with my DS. Its me that is weighing up what I want.

PND would not be my only consideration in having another child. I have had two sets of gynae. surgery and already have reduced fertility as a result. My menopause is likely to be early and I am 37 now. This has necessitated talk early in our relationship as to future conception. I would also have to come off/change my anti-depressants as they have been linked to birth defects in some.

Its comforting to know that there are doctors/professionals who you can go to early if you have PND last time and this is something that I would definitely tune in to should I decide to conceive again.

I know that some of the PND last time was due to my situation at home and the fact that my DS was poorly. I also found it very difficult to really tell people how I was truly feeling. I felt that I had to be strong for my son and didn't want to admit how far I was struggling. Is there still a stigma around PND today?

My now 2-year-old had silent reflux for a year, which meant hours of screaming and discomfort, day and night, with the peak months from four to six absolutely unbearable. It didn't cause PND, as such, but I was so anxious that my heart would race and I'd break out in sweats, I was convinced that my son was going to develop further health or even mental problems, I suffered from insomnia, hair falling out etc. and felt like a shell, though somehow I made myself go out every day, keep things orderly and do something positive with my son. Somehow I took that as a sign that it wasn't PND, even though I would hardly describe my mental state at that time as rosy.

I'm now pregnant with DC2 and my parents have agreed to come and stay with me for three months following the birth (I'm overseas) as, although my husband was really helpful and supportive last time, he works long hours and I was essentially alone in coping with a screaming baby who never settled.

I have an amazing student babysitter. I am planning to have her come two hours a day for as long as funds allow. Last time I never caught up on sleep, and I do think being so run down contributed to the onset of an autoimmune condition.

Even though I found mew mums' groups depressing last time (I just couldn't relate to tales of first rollovers, when, during my turn to speak, I spoke about my son's stop-breathing episodes and adverse vaccine reactions) I have signed up to a "toddlers and tots" one, and now have a great network of mum friends whom I can call upon, should DC2, god forbid, have similar problems.

I wouldn't blame you for a second if you didn't have another child. Your experience sounds ghastly, and you sound as if you're in a stable place right now. I'm only having a second under what some might consider fairly pampered circumstances, but I wouldn't even entertain the idea of being a one-woman-army this time around, not least because I'm worried my autoimmune condition might worsen after this pregnancy.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

It's not unreasonable to just want one child - your experience first time around sounds hideous.

Things sound very different now - you say your DP doesn't mind, but do YOU want to have a child with him? If you're desperate to have another, go for it. As others have mentioned, you can make sure you're supported throughout your pregnancy and the early months. Having a caring partner makes a huge difference, and it sounds like you have that now.

I had severe PND and a breakdown when DD was born, and it's one of the reasons we've decided to have one child. I'm very happy with our family, and I don't think it's worth the risk, for us, to have another.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do!

Another one here saying it's not compulsory to have more! We have one DD and she was a hard fight to get here - basically i totally freaked when the morning sickness kicked in as I was vomiting over 20 times a day, maybe more. Hospital for that, bleeding, spd that required crutches, pre ecampsia, my dd nearly dying and being really ill for a while all added up to PND and severe anxiety that is still with me now. I thought dark thoughts all the time, was permanantly panicking over everything, even panicked that i had nothing to panic about on the odd days things went well.

There's no way i would risk it again. DH is not keen as my pre eclampsia developed into full on eclampsia and I'd be at huge risk to do it all again. I couldn't cope with the anxiety again....I've just got to a point where its at a dull roar and I need it to stay there. We are fine as a family of three....

I've not yet had a child so obviously haven't experienced it. But having read about other women's experiences I can wholly understand why you might choose not to risk going through it again.

It's a very personal decision and whether you decide to have another child or not, I think both choices are reasonable.

You can only do what is best for you and your family.

I never really thought I had pnd, just thought I found it all awful because it was awful - so more a rational response iyswim?
Maybe it was pnd, I don't know, doesn't really matter. But yes, it has influenced my decision to stick with just one.
I remember being completely gobsmacked as a 10yo by my mother having another baby and another horrific bout of pnd straight after getting over the last one. Still makes no sense to me (virtual apologies to my lovely little sister!)

There's nothing wrong with having one child by the way, if that is something that bothers you.

I had post natal psychosis and pnd after my fourth child. I did go on to have a fifth and was fine. But I went into it with my eyes wide open and the support of a fabulous cpn, my midwife and HV also kept in close contact etc. I and my partner were very aware of what signs to look out for and made sure that I ate well and got sleep etc basically worked really hard so I could keep a check on my mh. It was hard but I was fine.

I think having awareness and support is key.

Good luck whatever you decide xx