with MIL... quite long - sorry!

[pingusmumtoo]

I'm going to try to keep this short and simple!
Today is my birthday
My DP has 4 children - youngest DS with me (been together 7 years - getting married next year) older 3 are 23, 18 and 10 - love them all and have youngest as often as possible (as we are allowed). They all have different mums. DP never been married before.
We have arranged to go to the beach for the afternoon with a picnic - that is me, DP and DS (4)
My mum and dad are coming too and my lovely friend and her son (DSs best friend) and baby daughter.
We had asked DPs sister and BIL if they wanted to come too as they are looking after their granddaughter (2) and also it is sisters birthday tomorrow so her daughter (DPs niece) is coming down too - yes possibly depending on timings etc.
DPs mum is looking after DSD after drama club this week - finishes about 3 - so again arranged that if they wanted to come too we'd pick them up as DPs dad being a bit antisocial at the moment and obviously would love to spend birthday with DSD
DPs mum has just rung to say they won't be coming this afternoon as
A - she kept DSD late last night and her mum wants her back early
B - DPs niece is also coming over to see her this afternoon
C - DSD 1 (23) is also going over as MIL hasn't seen her for a while and so asked her to go over this afternoon
I am furious - that yet again MIL has interfered with plans and got all the girls at her house - my DSDs - on my birthday
She has previously referred to me as Number 4 (on more than one occasion)
Constantly has digs at me (weight, clothes,hair etc.)
On being asked last year if she'd had a nice birthday (by my mum, at my house, in front of me) said no not really -my mum said 'oh I thought pingu cooked lunch for you all and baked a cake etc ' ... ' oh I forgot'
She is obsessed with youngest DSD and gets twitchy if she hasn't seen her for a week or two - has her overnight a lot, gives her money etc. Not so much with DS - she barely bothers
Gets on the phone and silks if I've been ill or haf an accident - 'oh you should call me I'd help ' - she never actually does so I don't bother ringing any more
On very rare occasion she has looked after our son the first words out of her mouth are 'we can't stay long'
etcetera etcetera
She is not worst MIL by a long shot but I am bloody fed up
So... AIBU?

Why don't you suggest they all come over to the beach for you birthday and point out to her that you would like to see them all as its a special occasion? You nbu to want the family together today. Can your dp not say this to her?

I had already suggested that but she has interfered and wants them all with her.
DP thinks I am overreacting and that there were no firm plans

So, OP did you specially invite your DSDs to the beach for the day? I don't see them listed in the 'guest list' in your first post.

(sorry if i'm being dim)

I don't really understand why she has interfered with your plans - you just said if they wanted to come........but they have other stuff going on so obviously they don't want to. It wasn't a firm arrangement was it and I think you are over reacting to be honest.

But then, I am not the sort who thinks the world needs to stop on my birthday :)

Yes DSD (10) was invited via MIL as she is looking after her this afternoon - ie I did not say to DSD we're going to the beach on Thursday for my birthday in case she couldn't come as she would be upset she missed out.
Older DSD is working today and won't finish until late but has been summoned to MILs as she hasn't been in touch much
It was all a very casual arrangement and no I don't expect the world to stop for my birthday more a get the family together and let the kids play on the beach and eat cake as its free and they'll enjoy it.
I have one leg in a cast and the other in a big black boot- the beach is not an easy option for me
I do not expect for things to be arranged after I have suggested arrangements
I expect my family to think - ah yes - that'll be nice and we can all get together and pingu will not have to cook for everyone like she does for everyone else's birthday and her own and mothers day and fathers day etc etc

Pingu will not have to cook for everyone like she does for everyone else's birthday and her own and mothers day and fathers day etc etc

Well you know what to do....stop all that lark for a start.

...and happy birthday :)

I agree with you. If these people were sensitive and kind, they would do as you expect them to do. However, they're obviously not! Not only that, but they may not feel the affection for you as an in-law as you would like. That's a shame but very, very normal. In a sense, your kindness is setting things off a bit, because you then feel hurt and angry when your expectations of reciprocal kindness aren't met. On the face of it, I doubt they ever will be met. I'm sorry. I suggest that you stop cooking for everyone, unless you do it simply because you enjoy it, with no expectations. There's also the possibility that your 'love language' is service (caring for people) and due to a difference in cultures, is not perceived as significant by your in-laws. Perhaps they're looking for something from you that you wouldn't think of giving them? Just a thought.

Lower your expectations, step back and for goodness enjoy your birthday without your MIL on your shoulder :)

YABU.

If you wanted to spend a day with all of your stepchildren then you should have invited them.

I'd imagine that had the 23 year old been invited along to the beach, then when summoned by your MIL, she may have told her "sorry, I'm already going to see stepmum at the beach".

Your MIL hasn't "interfered with plans" - you had no plans to spend the day with your DSC.