Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend upset me - not sure if I'm being oversensitive

22 replies

brightpinktoenails · 01/08/2013 09:17

Hello - first post but need some advise!

went out with a very old friend yesterday and she brought along a work colleague of hers who I've met on perhaps 4 occasions - nice girl but don't know her at all - not even sure of her surname!!!

I'm very overweight at the moment - quite happy with my size - would like to be more healthy perhaps but hey ho.....

My friend is talking to us about her diet (shes lost a lot of weight, looks great) and has been REALLY going for it

I give her some encouragement, tell her she looks great and discuss the merits of her diet she's on.....

Collegaue says something like "Oh God don't encourage her!!" (I suspect my friend has talked literally about nothing else but her diet so colleague is a bit sick of it all) - I don't mind her talking about it as she's a good friend and she's done well.

What upset me is my friend shouted out "Ah "brightpinktoenails" had raging anorexia years ago! she ended up in a hospital and everything!!"

She then asked "what weight did you go down to again?"

(I really didn't know what to reply and quickly said a weight)

and she went "noooo you were smaller than that!!!"

Now this is true - it's a long time ago - not really part of my life now but sort of explains why I'm fairly happy in my skin now....

I felt v self concious as I am now a size 16 so you would never imagine I'd had eating issues so was shocked when she brought it up unexpectedly)

I was mortified. Felt very uncomfortable infront of her colleague and also people at the next table heard. Blush Angry Sad

Colleague was also clearly embarrassed.

I didn't want to make a huge deal about it in public but did give my friend a look of "what the f did you say that for?!"

she then continues talking about her diet and colleague leaves shortly after

I feel like right crap and even when it was just the two of us friend never apologised (she knows me well enough to have seen I was upset)

Am I being oversensitive or was she wrong to do that?

OP posts:
LifeIsSoDifferent · 01/08/2013 09:20

YANBU or over sensitive that ws wrong of your friend to do that! It

TylerHopkins · 01/08/2013 09:20

She sounds full of herself.

Wait until she's lost all her weight and then say 'X, what weight were you when you were overweight. xx stones? Nah, you were MUCH heavier than that!

....maybe not because you're not as insensitive as her but I'm sure she wouldn't like being spoken to like that.

imnotmymum · 01/08/2013 09:22

That was really insensitive poor you Thanks

Salmotrutta · 01/08/2013 09:24

Your friend is an insensitive fool to bray about your personal medical history to anyone else.

Dreadful thing to do.

And you are most definitely not over sensitive to be upset.

HappilyChatterly · 01/08/2013 09:27

She was BVU. She used a very private and I'm sure painful experience from your past, without thinking about how it might make you feel. Totally out of order. From my experience as someone who has had an ED and generally struggled with weight all of my life, dieting can make you extremely self centred. If you're following a plan that might be hard to stick to, becoming completely self centred might be the only way some people can get through it...(that's why IMO diets don't work long term).

Hopefully sometime soon she will gain some perspective with the weight loss and diet will be able to hear you when you tell her she upset you and she'll appologise.

Keztrel · 01/08/2013 09:28

No you are not being oversensitive, that was an idiotic and thoughtless thing to say. Tell her how you felt, she sounds like she needs to get her head out of her own butt.

thebody · 01/08/2013 09:29

no that was very insensitive thing for your friend to say and she should have known that such things are private among friends

She shouldn't have 'told' her colleague this information about you. how rude. it's your story to share if you want to not hers to band about.

good on you for beating anorexia but remember a size 16 isn't hugely overweight today I think.

MrsPercyPig · 01/08/2013 09:30

YANBU

Talk to her about it and tell her NEVER to bring it up in front of a stranger again.

throckenholt · 01/08/2013 09:32

She seems unaware of her impact. I would probably avoid her as much as possible.

Also at size 16 you are NOT "very overweight" - don't get that out of perspective just because of what she said.

bootsycollins · 01/08/2013 09:33

YANBU. Your "friend" was being an insensitive prick. I'm really glad that your comfortable in your own skin and strong enough for this not to be a trigger for you. My dd is currently suffering from anorexia and an inpatient at an eating disorders unit, I take it one day at a time but when I do think about the future when she's recovered and put it behind her this kind of remark is the stuff of my nightmares. Thanks

bootsycollins · 01/08/2013 09:34

Also I agree with throckenholt size 16 isn't very overweight.

Original poster
brightpinktoenails · 01/08/2013 09:41

Thanks everyone Bootsycollins I'm sorry to hear about your dd - I wish her all the best.

Sorry everyone yes, I know a size 16 isn't very overweight - I should have perhaps rephrased

"I am a size 16 /18 with a BMI which classes me as overweight"

OP posts:
Original poster
brightpinktoenails · 01/08/2013 09:42

Thanks everyone

Bootsycollins I'm sorry to hear about your dd - I wish her all the best.

Sorry everyone yes, I know a size 16 isn't very overweight - I should have perhaps rephrased

"I am a size 16 /18 with a BMI which classes me as overweight"

OP posts:
xylem8 · 01/08/2013 09:45

YANBU.Had your friend been drinking?

Original poster
brightpinktoenails · 01/08/2013 09:47

No - hadn't been drinking

OP posts:
frostyfingers · 01/08/2013 09:57

I'm afraid there is nothing worse than someone on a diet/giving up smoking/giving up drinking - they become completely self obsessed and assume that everyone wants/needs to know everything about it.

She was insensitive in the extreme, but I don't think there's any point taking it further with her, she probably has no idea how upset you were. The problem lies with her, not you - don't worry about it.

Original poster
brightpinktoenails · 01/08/2013 10:01

have spoken with her - she apologised and I explained how I felt

all okay again

thanks everyone - imput much appreciated! Smile

OP posts:
bootsycollins · 01/08/2013 10:08

Thank you brightpink. Glad she's apologised Thanks

clarinetV2 · 01/08/2013 10:13

Glad it's had a happy ending. Sounds like she was being uber-thoughtless rather than deliberately mean.

Sophita · 01/08/2013 10:14

Personally though, if she really is a close / valued friend, I would want to say something to clear the air (even if, or in fact, particularly because she doesn't seem to realise she's crossed a line here).

Perhaps just a calm chat, starting with how pleased you are for her that she is feeling the benefits of her new lifestyle, but that you do need her to understand that it was a) really inappropriate to bring up your medial history in public and b) really unhealthy to compare a severe illness with a diet plan?

I just think that you deserve the chance to explain that she did upset you - and for the sake of a longstanding friendship, she deserves the chance to apologise and commit to never putting you in that position again.

Still, if she continues to make unhelpful remarks about weight loss and EDs, then maybe it's time to take a break from her until she's regained some perspective and remembered that her friends are more important than her dress size!

You've done so incredibly well & worked hard to get through your illness and be in a place where you're happy in your own skin. Don't let her stupid comments derail you. Flowers

Sophita · 01/08/2013 10:15

x-post, sorry brightpink - and really pleased all is well

oldgrandmama · 01/08/2013 10:54

Your friend was crass and tactless. She had no business 'sharing' your medical and dietary history - are you sure she wasn't on the outside of a few glasses of wine? But I'm glad you've cleared things up with her. Reminds me of an acquaintance who went out with a group of her girlfriends, including one who has battled and hopefully won over an alcohol problem (one day at a time, of course). It was a jolly evening, recovering alcoholic sticking to fruit juice, but my acquaintance (on the outside of several glasses of red wine) suddenly said to the ex alcoholic: '' [name], you are SO MUCH NICER TO BE WITH now that you've stopped drinking!" When the girl sitting next to her quietly remonstrated, the tactless fool, unabashed, bawled "I was JUST SAYING, [name] is GOOD COMPANY now that she isn't getting drunk all over the place all the time ..."

Some people can be just clueless, but I'm glad you're still friends. And you don't sound overweight and very well done for conquering anorexia.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread