An in-laws thread....sorry but this is really bugging me!

[Whenwillwestopmoving]

We live 2 hours away from family, and just moved to a new city. I was going away for one night to a good friend's hen last weekend and DH was in charge of DD, just 6 months. He had only ever looked after her for a couple of hours before, so I suggested he ask his parents to come down to be a bit of extra support (MIL is, in fairness, great with babies!). He did so and a couple of days before I went away I texted MIL saying thanks so much for coming down....if you have any questions about DD's routine, food etc, give me a call. DH was a bit at this as he admitted then that he hadn't asked them to 'help' as such, just to visit, although they obviously knew I wouldn't be there.

Anyway, I left on Saturday morning before they arrived, and raced back from the hen on Sunday am (3.5 hour drive, ugh) to see them at lunchtime as they were leaving early. I had stocked the house with food, wine etc for them. There was were loads of dinner foods - chilli, meatballs etc - in the freezer, but DH said not to defrost anything as they might want to go out or get a take-out for dinner. I said to DH on Saturday am that the only thing we didn't have was fresh fruit (I had gone on a health buzz earlier in the week and eaten it all!) so to get some from breakfast on the Sunday. I arrived back to a house full of food that MIL had bought in the supermarket; fruit, which obviously DH had failed to get, but also things like, a particular brown bread that they prefer (although I had perfectly good brown bread in the fridge!), the breakfast cereal they prefer, again, I had a selection in....etc. They had, for a reason that I think has much to do with DH's taste! and because DH and FIL went out for drinks with DH's uncle early on Saturday evening, take out pizza for dinner on Saturday night; from the very nice local delicatessen-type pizzeria.

They left on Sunday amongst much awkwardness about taking their cereal, brown bread etc with them....comments from FIL about him leaving a bottle of wine in the fridge for us to enjoy (despite there being practically a wine cellar of wine in our kitchen already!), and just a general weird atmosphere.

Also, and I admit I may well BU at this, even though they hadn't seen DD in a few months (not due to lack of trying by me!) they didn't bring her anything; not that I expect big gifts, she is spoiled rotten by my family, but not even a token little book, teddy or anything. They shower their other GC with gifts all the time (their DDs children). On the Sunday morning they even went to a big hardware shop to get something (which cost £££!), next to which is a large well known shop which does children's clothes and toys - but nothing!! Also, I'm doing some purees (at nursery and in a hurry) but do finger foods at home with DD and really enjoy it, she does too. MIL then brainwashed DH that DD isn't ready for finger foods and that she isn't able to swallow them....grrrrr! DH was v impressed that she fed DD with 'no mess' and asked me why I couldn't do the same?!!!

Granted this is a bit of rant; I generally get on with them, but I just thought the 'shopping for themselves' thing was odd, and have been thinking about it all week! Were they being weird?

YABU. I don't really understand why you would tell your MIL to contact you re childcare when your husband is there - why wouldn't he be the one to contact you to ask any questions rather than his mum? You do sounds pretty controlling to be honest - you don't trust your husband to look after his own daughter, you don't like people eating food you haven't bought, you don't like being left wine if you have some already but you do want a present for your daughter in spite of the fact that they were coming to help you out. Did you buy them a present? I think you have overthought this to the point where it is bordering on nonsensical and it sounds like you didn't really have a relaxing time away if this has rattled you so much. Are you generally worried about your husband's ability to cope and that might be making you blow things out of proportion? Because it does sound like you could both benefit from you being a bit more hands off.

I am trying to imagine explaining to DH that I am going out so I will phone my mum to help him

Thanks for all the input, and help getting perspective. Of note, I did have a great time away! And should do it more often. DH hasn't spent much time with DD due to his work, but that is hopefully going to be better this year.

Actually my ILs are a bit like this. They visit every couple of months, so DH and I can go out together. I always say to them not to worry bringing anything etc. I always stock the fridge for them with food they like to eat (basics, ready meals, dinners I've cooked), food that I've seen in their fridge and cupboards, always say help yourself... But last time when we got back the fridge was untouched and they'd gone out and bought some cheap frozen burgers from the corner shop and had those instead.

So I guess they're just not comfortable helping themselves to someone else's fridge! If it was my mum she'd have got stuck in! But I can't not leave stuff for them to eat, it feels ungrateful and unhospitable.

It's not worth worrying about!

"They left on Sunday amongst much awkwardness about taking their cereal, brown bread etc with them....comments from FIL about him leaving a bottle of wine in the fridge for us to enjoy (despite there being practically a wine cellar of wine in our kitchen already!), and just a general weird atmosphere. "
I wonder where the weird atmosphere came from.............!

What meddie said.

You need to stop thinking of your dh as babysitting. It is looking after his child. There is a difference.

He should not have needed his mum and dad there to help him look after his child. However, them visiting to be nice is something different.

I think you might be reading too much into things. I sometimes take my own food and drinks to other people's houses as I can be a bit fussy and don't think others should have to be out of pocket for my eating habits maybe that's all they were tying to do? Then taking them home with them? Well they bought them but might not have wanted to look grabby taking them back hence the awkwardness. I think leaving the wine was nothing other than a nice gesture.

With your dh's comment was he not just making a thoughtless comment my dh does that to me often but in fairness to him I do the same thing. I think everyone does did he mean it in a nasty way or was he just asking out of curiosity? Just not in a well worded way.

I think as it was a last minute arrangement they also just might not have had time to buy your dd a present but at least they spent quality time with her which is worth way more than gifts.

Your husband is your problem. You need to get babysitters? Do you wipe his arse as well. And nobody has to buy presents.

YAB(a little)U. Did it really matter if they brought their own favourite bread, cereal? Not in the great scheme of things. And leaving the wine was surely a really nice touch, despite the existing 'wine cellar'. Your in-laws sound OK and you've generally got on well with them, so why the anguish over this? I've often travelled some way away to care for my son's two kids and often take food with me that I know they all like (my famous shepherds pie, home made bread for example) and when I'm there, I often notice they're running out of stuff (e.g; tea, milk, toilet rolls) and I pop out and get them, mention to my sweet daughter in law when she gets back from work that I've replenished stocks, and there's never been any sign that she thinks me an interfering old bat but a smile and thanks.

I assume you've always got on well with the in-laws before? But you are a fairly new mum and maybe over-anxious? As for in laws questioning 'finger food', I've found, from my own experience both with in laws and now being an in law, giving, and receiving, advice is tricky - I tend to the view that 'mother knows best' and leave them (my daughter, my daughter in law) to it, as it's all too easy, especially with a newish mum, to erode their confidence by declaiming 'in MY day, we didn't ... blah blah blah'.

Please, relax. Your in laws sound pretty nice, actually - and as for presents, maybe they're waiting until your little one is a bit older and more likely to appreciate pressies?

The thing that sticks out to me, apart from the comment about the food is - your DH was "babysitting" (parents don't babysit of course) for the first time, yet he went out to the pub and left the baby with his mum!!

Fuck me you sound hard work.

The questioning of the finger food would be the only thing that I might raise an eyebrow at here but even then it's not a big thing and tbf to the in-laws your husband didn't need to tell you in a way that made it sound like his mum knew better!

The rest doesn't seem like anything really. I can't find much wrong with their behaviour!

Plus they didn't eat all your food - that would be my present :)

YABU.

You seem to set great store by the way you run your house and the food you buy in. Is some of this about feeling that your healthy food was somehow ignored and unappreciated?

And yes, allow your husband to step up to the mark with regards to looking after his own child.

I think the bottom line is that your dh needs to get a grip, actually. And you need to let go of organising him, otherwise a year down the line you will be exhausted by the effort of dealing with the overgrown child. I imagine your in-laws might feel they were slightly used, after having thought they were being kindly invited by your dh. You tried to organise them as well, in your text, and that won't have gone down well. Perhaps the shopping was their way of gaining some control after it seemed they were being a tiny bit controlled by you.

OP maybe you should read some of the horror stories about in laws before complaining about yours. your dh is an adult. he can take care of his dd if given the chance. my dh's friend could never look after his child without his own parents or his in laws visiting to help. got to say my dh was always a bit baffled by that. his attitude was " its his child, why does he need them there?" nice to have them visit yes, but not as a vote of no confidence in your dh's ability to look after 1 baby.

you sound materialistic and over sensitive tbh.

YABVU, they travelled all that way, bought their own food to save you the trouble and you are moaning they didnt come bearng gifts?

I'd concentrate on the real issue, that being why your husband cannot look after his own child on his own. There is no way I would have boooked anybody to assist DH, its one child not a class of 30.

I think op you need to pick our battles. In other words maybe have a go at your dh not his parents. They came and helped him. So what if they bought food. If they hadn't you no doubt would have moaned about that too. I think the issue is more that your dh cannot seem to look after his child on his own. What's all that about ?

I'm going to cut you some slack, because I remember only too well how having a baby can send you semi-insane.

But you are going to look back on this in a couple of years and

Oh, and get your DH to parent his own child once in a while, for heaven's sake.

The real problem is that DH didn't back you up on what you are doing with your baby. That said, going away for the first time is hard, it's hard to let go but good for your mental health. You should encourage them to come back!

Bloody hell, MILs just can't win, no matter what they do, can they?

Fuck me, I hope DS stays single.

It wouldnt have bothered me that they bought their own food, it would bother me that i felt the need to ask in laws round to help dh look after his own baby. This is what you need to address, leave him in charge now and again while you go off, see some friends, get your hair done, go for a swim etc.

It took both of you to make a child, it takes both of you to raise her too. if i felt like i couldnt go out without inviting the in laws round to help dh id be a bit worried if im honest.

i think the rest can be put down to them doing something niggly that has annoyed you for no real reason, the presents etc are nothing, do you really want yet another stupid teddy cluttering up space.

DH hasn't spent much time with DD due to his work

But more time than your MIL, surely. Men can care for babies, you know.

So you're pissed off that they didn't bring a present for your DD, but resentful that they left you a bottle of wine. . What exactly is the correct present-visit ration in your eyes? What if they lived 5 minutes away and saw her every week? Once a month? At what point is a present required? Personally I wouldn't buy a present for a baby (unless I knew the family were struggling with money and didn't have many things) unless it was Christmas, birthday or the first time I'd met it.

I'm sure you had lots of healthy and tasty food in your house, but not everyone likes the same bread and cereal. You weren't even THERE, remember? They were in the house with their son. Maybe whipping out all their own food while you were actually standing making them toast from your own bread might make you feel spurned, but they were essentially looking after themselves in your house, so why does it matter whose food they ate? Unless your DH was also weirdly offended by it (doubt it) so what??