To not want to visit my sister during the holidays?

[THERhubarb]

This is probably a bit of a rant too so here goes.

I have 3 jobs. I am a copywriter which I do from home, I clean at a local B&B and I also help out with secretarial work for an elderly couple down the road. Normally I work at the B&B just one day a week but as we're not going on holiday over the summer I'm also doing holiday cover for the cleaners who are, which means that my days are pretty full with work.

As usual during the hols we've promised to visit almost everyone (without anyone saying they'd visit us). One weekend we were going to visit friends 3 hours away. Their dh has heart problems and has just had another op to have more stents fitted to his arteries to widen them but it will be his last one as they say another op might kill him. He gets out of breath easily but still drinks like a fish. Their kids have been terribly bullied at school and we promised to see them.

Only after this promise did they suddenly announce they were coming here last weekend. They brought the dog - we don't have a dog - which meant dog hair everywhere and the dog is psychotic, fine one minute but at your throat the next. I was terrified he'd get my chickens. The kids were also, not really naughty but hyper, spilling drinks everywhere and the lad stuffed putty up his nose which he then spent most of the night sneezing out. This putty got onto the carpet, trampled in and now cannot be removed. So it was hardly a relaxing weekend.

Just before they left they told us how much they are looking forward to seeing us in 2 weeks when we visit them as we are their best friends, the kids have no other friends, etc etc so no emotional blackmail then!

We are also due to visit dh's family up North, which is a 4 hour drive away. Dh has a weekend booked to the End of the Road festival and I have promised at some point to take the kids to Oxford.

Trouble is that my sister wants me to visit her and the kids want to see her kids. She lives up North too but won't be around when we are there. We can't change weekends as that's the only weekend when dh's mum and dad can have us, so my sister wants us to come another weekend.

I've said no. She's only been to see us here twice and when she does she books her and her dh a B&B whilst we have all the kids here. When we go there, she never suggests we go out, instead we hang around her house feeling in the way. It's not relaxing and I'd just rather not do it too often.

We've a busy 5 weeks planned and although I do have 2 free weekends I just want to relax, I don't want to plan yet another trip up North. It costs a fortune in petrol yet the kids are angry that they can't see her kids and I know my sister is sulking because she hasn't spoken to me since, although I did speak to my niece who was under the impression that we were going to visit.

I feel like I am being taken for a fool at times. We always do the travelling and if there was anyone I would say no to it would be the friends we have already seen but they play the guilt card with him almost at death's door and their kids not having any friends, so it's the highlight of their holidays to have us visit.

How can I make people see things from my point of view for a change? Why do they always manage to make me feel like I'm the unreasonable one? Poor dh works 12 hour shifts driving all over the country and doesn't want to spend half his weekends sat in a car visiting family and friends who can't be bothered to come and see us.

Just don't go. Just explain that you have already committed to taking on extra work and that you have made plans and it would be too much to take on more travelling. Can you arrange a visit later on in the year?

cancel the trip to see the friends you have just had visit you for a start. suggest to dsis that she come to you and all stay in a b&b or at your house. go to see Dh's family unless they can come to you (suggest this to them) and tell everyone 'dh works 12 hour shifts driving all over the country and doesn't want to spend half his weekends sat in a car visiting family and friends who can't be bothered to come and see us.' then sit back and let them all sulk. i know how you feel op my family are 'oop north' I go up when I can, they rarely come here. my BFF never comes here and much as I like seeing everyone I do want to use my leave for family hols and just relaxing sometimes, travelling for 7 hours to see people who seem to think I SHOULD be there to see them all is not a relaxing thing to do in my time off work so YANBU.

I have suggested I see my sis during the Oct half term but she wants to see us over these holidays and my kids are sulking because they want to see their cousins. However they are already seeing one set of cousins at my MILs (who actually have a good reason for not visiting us as they have a farm and FIL had a stroke earlier this year so can't drive long distances). We had hoped we could combine them all but my sis is off on her hols that weekend.

Step it's a bloody nightmare. Last time we went over to my sis, my brother got all arsey because I didn't see him. He lives 10 mins away and could have popped in, in fact we invited him to do so, but because we left without visiting he sulked.

This happens every sodding Christmas too. We are expected to visit everyone in turn. They seem not to care that we have just driven 4 hours with 2 kids in the car and don't really want to add to that bloody journey whilst they just sit there doing nothing.

My sister's argument to your suggestion would be that I could visit without dh, which I could do but I don't want to drive sodding 4 hours to see her. I work bloody hard to and I just want to relax and chill out.

I soooo get what you mean about not wanting to use holiday time to see people who think you SHOULD see them. I know we should get tough and I'm having a word with dh when he comes back. This running around after everyone simply has to stop.

But how do I say no to the friends whose dh is ill and who say that our visit is their only highlight of the holidays? dd hates it - she has to share a room with a 9yo and she's 13. Plus I hate to see someone who is so poorly, drink himself stupid. He frightened his own kids as well as ours last time by being off his head. I feel so responsible for them all and I'm aware that they all need our support and help but my God, it's bloody hard work and I feel that I have to make huge sacrifices myself whenever we visit. We don't do it regularly, once every 18 months or so, but once we commit that's it, they tell us almost every day how much they are looking forward to seeing us.

Why is everyone so goddamn needy?

op you sound like a lovely people pleaser.

for once please yourself. if it doesn't suit you to do something then say no. you may or may not explain and if they don't get it then that's their problem.

Thanks thebody. They do all make me feel like a terrible person though. We took the decision to move here and that's why they feel we should make the effort to see them.

I will put my foot down and say that she either comes here or leaves it until Oct. I am stressed enough with juggling work and the kids.

Right now I can't manage to do the article I have to finish for tomorrow because I just want to sleep. I hate the holidays.

I really feel for you, we were the same; every other Christmas, up there, went to a wedding once with with 4 days old DC3 and a 3 yr old and a 5 yr old.
Manchester for lunch from Brighton yeah fine!
But we learned that the road from north to south is longer than going the other way.
How old are your kids, could you put them on a bus to go to your sister?
And just make the visit to friends as short as possible, it's not right that you should have to feel so responsible for them.

dc's are too young for public transport yet. dd is getting there at 13 but ds is only 9.

My sister's kids are teenagers. Her eldest has left home, her second eldest is at home in his 20s and her two youngest are 15. But she now has a dog which provides a convenient excuse, not like my chickens.

I know we shouldn't feel responsible for friends but we do. My friend only has her mum left whilst her dh doesn't have any contact with his family. They have friends in the loose sense of the word but no proper friendships. They are very full on though, very hospitable when we are there but in turn they sit back and expect you to take care of everything when they visit. I dread anything happening to him but it will in time, especially if he carries on drinking. She's also got benign tumours in her neck that keep growing back and a malfunctioning liver. Their kids are just 10 and 9. So yeah, I do feel a responsibility to keep in touch and provide a friendship but it does mean a few sacrifices for that weekend.

just an idea but PIL did this with us for a special birthday. how about choosing a hotel / b&b half way for everyone and meeting up for a day out a meal together and a night away? tell them its called compromise. the whole rushing round to fit everyone in is a total mare I know and there is always someone you just can't be bothered with manage

Rhubarb, once you have made the decision and cancelled some of what you have on, you will be filled with such relief.

You just have to decide what to pass over. You talk in your posts about what you ought to do, what you feel you have to do. What do you want to do?

It sounds like you feel you have to see these friends. Well, you also sound very uncomfortable with doing it. Your DC don't want to, it seems like a duty visit. You've just seen them - djust say no.

And your sister - well, if you want to see her (and book a B&B and leave your DC with her ) then go for it.

That would be Birmingham then?

I think I'm just going to say no. She is welcome here, I can put them all up as I did with our friends (they had our bed and we slept on airbed in front room). She doesn't have to book a B&B. She can even bring the dog - they did! But I know she's just come back from a long drive to Orkney and they are going to Ireland so she won't want to travel down here either. Touche.

Yes friends is a duty visit only because they have no-one else who visits. Yes it is a 'mare. They feed us well and offer plenty to drink but he gets totally pissed, the kids get bored and of course it's always me who sorts the kids out. New Year 2011 I spent half the night trying to set up a wii rock band thing for them that their parents had bought them but had left until we came so they could all play on it. Only no-one knew how to set it up so of course I end up trying to do it. I then go up and down the stairs dealing with problems and issues and when the kids start crying because he is stood in the middle of the road, wearing a top hat and with some coals in a Tesco carrier bag, swearing loudly, calling the whole neighbourhood arseholes because they wouldn't open their doors to him for some New Year tradition, then I'm the one comforting them.

You know what I mean when I say "full on"? Yet he won't have much longer to live, she's got worrying health issues and the kids have no friends so what can you do? We just try to support them as best we can.

Of course you do feel responsible, sorry if I sounded unsympathetic.
It just doesn't sound like much fun for you, and you're very nice for sticking with them when it would appear no-one else will tolerate them.

OP you have a lot on your plate at the moment. If your sister can't understand that you need to see these friends over her in the circumstances... Well tough. You are being understanding about her various trips. But maybe you can skip seeing the friends. It does sound like a nightmare, and if he's that ill it may actually be too much for everyone. You are being stretched in so many directions, it is tough, but you do need to have some time for you.