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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to get out of this situation but not now how.

25 replies

RunAwayBaby · 31/07/2013 14:26

This is fairly long. At the moment we are living in a house that is too small for us due to DH working from home. We attempted to move before DS was born but DH didn't like the offer we got so took the house of the market. Since then I've stopped working, I had no money after childcare and if I took a sick day(they were unpaid) I didn't even break even. So getting a mortgage is harder now than before as there is only DH earning.

To the point, I'm struggling with the lack of space, DS doesn't have his own room. Half the living room is taken up with DS's clothes. All of my clothes are on the floor of the wardrobe. (I moved into DH's house and he has refused to make space for my clothes) I just want to run away from here. DH has just had a screaming match at me because I said I need some space telling me I need to get a job, that would get me some space. However, it would be me that pays for the childcare and I'd be left in the same situation as before. I know we should have a joint account but he refuses or says add him to my account, but I fail to see how that helps the situation.

Aibu to think DH should contribute to the childcare costs if I go back to work? Aibu to want an hour or two without a toddler touching me?

OP posts:

Original poster

RunAwayBaby · 31/07/2013 14:27

Now in the title should be know.

OP posts:

YouStayClassySanDiego · 31/07/2013 14:28

You mean you want to leave this selfish arse of a man, don't you?

wonderingsoul · 31/07/2013 14:30

im sorry but that sounds liek hell.
your dh refused to make room for his wifes clothes?

i think you need to be wondering if the raltionship is working for you tbh.

LemonBreeland · 31/07/2013 14:30

I think moving house sounds like the least of your worries.

Of course your DH should contribute to childcare costs. Would childcare take up all of your wages, or are you paying bills too that leave you with nothing.

Your whole situation sounds very messed up, and tbh, I'm not sure how you can change things unless your DH is willing to change.

lucidlady · 31/07/2013 14:37

Your DH sounds abusive. Why is he not prepared to make space for your clothes? What is your relationship like generally - does he help with DS etc?

YouStayClassySanDiego · 31/07/2013 14:38

Did you like the offer that was made on the house, or did your H not even consider what your views were?

hellsbellsmelons · 31/07/2013 14:38

I just want to run away from here
I suggest you seriously consider doing this.
He sounds absolutely awful.
Won't give his wife and mother of his son space for clothes.
Won't contribute to childcare costs.
What does he do?
Does he make you happy?
Does he respect and love you and show you this in many ways?
Does he help with housework and childcare when at home?
Does he take you out and treat you?
Do you have family and friends nearby that you could go to to get away and get some head space to sort out what you want.
Also... sorry for all the questions - how old is your DS?

MaxPepsi · 31/07/2013 14:39

I don't mean to be flippant but leaving him sounds like your best option.

I was going to suggest investing in some good storage furniture so you could 'hide' all your things eg a chest for ds's clothes that could double as a coffee table.

However I can't see how any of that would help when your 'd'h has an attitude as terrible as his and is unwilling to be reasonable.

Beastofburden · 31/07/2013 14:42

Its probably swings and roundabouts on how the money flows. If he pays towards childcare, he'll probably ask you to pay towards household bills. A better reason for getting a job where you only break even, is it does give you some time for yourself, without tiny sticky hands every two minutes.

It also increases your options if this relationship does not go well and you find that you need your career to be up to date so you can support yourself.

JaffaMyCake · 31/07/2013 14:44

I think he sounds likes dick. I say this as the wife of a dock who only managed to boot my STBXH out this morning. 'D'H needs to fucking well pay half the childcare if you go back to work. He sounds like a selfish arse - and I definitely wouldn't tolerate a screaming match IIWY.

JaffaMyCake · 31/07/2013 14:44

Wife of a dick

MrsTerryPratchett · 31/07/2013 14:44

Is he paying you to do childcare for DS? Because he seems to think childcare is free for him but should cost YOU money. He is a twunt and you should LTB.

Levantine · 31/07/2013 14:46

He expects you to leave your clothes on the floor of the wardrobe while he hangs his up?!

That is appalling. Your self esteem will have taken a real battering. Honestly, I don't think he will change. I think if I were in your shoes I would get myself back into work - even if you only just break even you will have a way out of this relationship at some point.

Original poster

RunAwayBaby · 31/07/2013 14:48

I suppose it's taken this long to realise its DH that is the issue. He'll decide something like taking the house off the market and then 'discuss' it with me after making my life hell in the process. Example he insisted all of the baby stuff had to be hidden when people were viewing the house. DS's crib had to be hidden, the monitor, the steriliser everything. Then he said I'm taking it off the market tomorrow ok? Well no.

I was working for a small local firm being paid a pittance(half market rate for what I was doing) to ensure I could be close to DS and supposed 'flexibility' just childcare wiped me out. I didn't even have travel costs. I could go back to work for more but I'd need to travel so it'd cost more in childcare and travel costs once Tax is taken into account I'd be in the same situation.

How do I leave? I've got nowhere to go.

OP posts:

YouStayClassySanDiego · 31/07/2013 14:50

Do you have real life support, a family close by?

Madratlady · 31/07/2013 14:52

You're married and have a child together but he won't contribute to child care? Or make space for your stuff in the house that you both live in?

To be honest I think I'd LTB.

DuelingFanjo · 31/07/2013 14:53

of course he should be paying for the childcare costs if they are his kids. Of course.

Crinkle77 · 31/07/2013 14:54

Sorry but he is a tosser and his attitude towards you is disgusting. I can't believe he would not make any room for your stuff. If he wants you to work you need to discuss who is going to pay for what and whether it is worth your while if you are only going to break even

squoosh · 31/07/2013 14:55

I would give serious thought as to whether staying with him benefits your life in any way. He sounds awful, I certainly couldn't live like that.

softlysoftly · 31/07/2013 14:56

Have a very very rare LTB from me. I assume from your "working from home" comment there would be a room for DSs bed but he is using as an office?

Go to citizens advice or women's aid? Ask family? Find a way out.

Post in relationships for better advice on how to run for the hills.

YouStayClassySanDiego · 31/07/2013 15:01

Good idea to ask for thread to be moved to Relationships.

Original poster

RunAwayBaby · 31/07/2013 15:06

No family. The house move was supposed to do that but take us away from his family. He used that as a reason for not moving not that his family comes to see us or is ever available.

DS is 2 and very clingy (he has always been clingy)

He will help with DS but only if I ask or am still asleep in the morning. He's only recently started to give DS breakfast without me telling him.
Housework- no
Food- he always gets me breakfast
Dinner- he will make dinner but its the easiest option. When I was working earlier this year it would be pasta everyday with butter or a crap stir in sauce.
Treat me- in his way. He'll buy me things he likes. Completely can't think out of his filter. He's only ever once bought me flowers and that was when I'd gone away for a family event and we'd fallen out because I felt like I was giving and he was just taking.

It's like I have to threaten to leave to get him to be reasonable.

OP posts:

hellsbellsmelons · 31/07/2013 15:29

Where are your family? Do you have any?
As previously suggested, start with CAB and Womens Aid and see what advice they can give you for getting away.

I 2nd getting this moved to relationships

Keep posting for support and getting things off of your chest about your relationship.

Original poster

RunAwayBaby · 31/07/2013 15:59

My family are 100 miles away. His are about 8 miles away and we haven't seen them since Christmas. I don't want to see them anymore, I suffered from PND and MIL made it all about her.

Family insist I should try and make it work with him because of DS. I'm made to feel like I'm being a whinging teenager whenever I talk to them about things.

On the house offer, I thought it was a low offer but said just to reject the offer. It was their first offer, they could have upped it but instead he said no and I'm taking it off the market.

DH never deals with situations unless forced to, I want him to be proactive for once.

OP posts:

Original poster

RunAwayBaby · 31/07/2013 16:24

Sorry DS has woken from his nap, so trying to keep him occupied as well. No of course he doesn't pay me for looking after DS, nor does he pay me for the things I do to help him with his work which were similar tasks to what I did for work IYSWIM?

OP posts:

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