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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my husband is just lazy

20 replies

Arnie123 · 31/07/2013 10:39

I am really struggling. I do my best running a business and my husband describes himself as a full time dad to our toddler. However he will not clean the house and this means I have to do it. Yesterday my son was in nursery so I took him leaflet distributing with me. He repeatedly complained insisted we find a chippy for his lunch and after 3 hours declared he was not doing any more. He does struggle as he is blind but I sometime think he uses this as an excuse to do nothing.

OP posts:
HollyBerryBush · 31/07/2013 10:42

my husband describes himself as a full time dad to our toddler.

If this were reversed genders, there are some on MN who would tell you that parenting is a full time job and the working partner in a relationship should be waving the bog brush and making tea when they get in, what with parenting being so exhausting

I'm firmly of the belief SAHP - the H means home, and home maker - the person at home does the housework. End of.

Cluffyflump · 31/07/2013 10:49

I am a sahp and I don't think it's fair for me to do every bit of housework!
I have no idea how I would cope if I couldn't see....
Is your home well set up for your DH?
Could you use some of his dla for a cleaner if he finds it hard to manage?
I have no idea if your DH is lazy, or if his disability is making it hard for him to cope.

littlewhitebag · 31/07/2013 11:00

When I grew up my neighbor was blind. She had two children and kept her house immaculate. I used to see her scrubbing her doorstep and wonder how she knew it was even dirty! He is being very unreasonable not to tackle some of the chores.

Original poster
Arnie123 · 31/07/2013 11:05

Thank you Little. His brother is also blind and his house is a lot cleaner. Plus he has cleaned up once or twice and done an exceptional job for someone who is disabled.

OP posts:
Cluffyflump · 31/07/2013 11:55

Some people me are not organised.
You could discuss jobs that need to be done daily, weekly ect and work out a kind of weekly plan to keep on top of them.
Of course, if he flatly refused to do anything, that's a bigger problem than a messy home...
Could you get his brother to have a chat with him? He might be shamed into pulling his weight if somone in the same situation tells him he ibu.

BabyMakesMyEyesGoSleepy · 31/07/2013 12:04

To me the sahp does the light housework day to day and heavier housework is shared.

ceeveebee · 31/07/2013 12:16

If a man came on here complaining about his blind SAHM wife not doing all the cleaning, he would be shot down in flames.
Personally I think you ought to share the housework (or get a cleaner).

OnTheNingNangNong · 31/07/2013 12:19

Couldn't you have left your husband at home yesterday while while you leafletted and he did the cleaning?

noblegiraffe · 31/07/2013 12:22

Why on earth did you take him leafleting with you? I'd have complained too!

stopgap · 31/07/2013 12:33

BabyMakesMyEyesGoSleepy, I agree.

zippey · 01/08/2013 12:56

I agree with ceeveebee - if a man was complaining his blind wife was lazy, he'd be shot down in flames. But as we are talking about a man, then YANBU.

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit · 01/08/2013 12:58

I am fully able bodied and I seriously struggle to keep on top of the housework with a toddler running all over the place, even with a totally supportive partner who pulls their weight on the domestic front.

I think you need to look at what you have just written and think very hard.

whois · 01/08/2013 13:01

Obviously depends on number an ages of children, but I would expect the stay at home parent to do the majority of housework of a general maintenance kind during the day. So keeping on top of the kitchen, keeping things tidy, doing all the washing, changing bed sheets, doing the shopping, running a Hoover round.

Evenings should be shared so the SAHP shouldn't be the one who always cooks and clear up after tea and does bed and bath.

BlingLoving · 01/08/2013 13:12

Arrgh, of course the SAHP shouldn't do all the housework, but yes, the working parent shouldn't be expected to do it all either. Bloody hell, before DC, one hopes that the couple shared tasks. Now, one person's job has changed but the household tasks remain. Why can't they continue to be shared?

I will never understand this. DH is SAHP. He does most of the washing as it's easier during the day and keeps the house tidy. Other tasks we share along very similar lines to how we did things before DS came along.

charlottehere · 01/08/2013 13:14

Wow just wow @ holly Hmm

Impossible for us to judge if he is just lazy or it's his disability or something else.

I am Sahp to 2 preschool age children, 1 is 4 and the other 8 months... Also have an 8 and 11 year old. I do badly the majority of household stuff but Dh makes beds, I or minions dd's strip them, we share baths and bedtime, childcare is splithe does much more when he's here, he always cooks at weekends and will load dw etc and sometimes washes clothes, he also irons his own work shirts.

charlottehere · 01/08/2013 13:15

Oh he also cleans dd2's pet out, will go to shops etc

firesidechat · 01/08/2013 13:38

When I was a SAHM I did almost all the housework because my husband worked very long hours with a long commute. No way was a going to have him spending the very short evenings that we did have or precious weekends doing his share of the housework. Evenings were for relaxing and weekends for fun family stuff. This was a long time ago now though. Before we got married we shared the housework and I couldn't get near the kitchen because he was a good cook. So it's not like he won't do stuff when it's required.

I wasn't some kind of drudge spending every waking hour polishing the coffee table. Housework was literally done and dusted in a fairly short space of time and there was plenty of time for doing more enjoyable things.

Also both of my parents are blind and housework has never been a problem for them. My mum cooked and kept a clean house as well as bringing up 3 children. As much as I love them I don't think that they are in any way exceptional. Lots of disabled people manage to run a home.

OP I don't know how you manage to run a business and do the cleaning. I know that lots of single parents have no choice about this, but you have a husband who must be able to help with some of it.

firesidechat · 01/08/2013 13:45

Just to add that my dad also ran his own business.

Apart from not cleaning are their jobs that he does do ie shopping, cooking, mowing the lawn?

I've mowed the lawn once in almost 30 years. If I was a man and said that I had cleaned the loo once in 30 years I can well imagine the response.

firesidechat · 01/08/2013 13:45

there not their.

Pixielady83 · 01/08/2013 13:59

In an ideal world I would expect the stay at home parent to do the housework. however my experience as a stay at home parent made me realise I couldn't keep on top of housework + toddler. I did do basics, dishwasher, bathroom, sweep round at end of day but rarely managed to hoover.

What happened in reality was that DH and I shared housework when we were both at home while other one was entertaining baby then toddler and basically we continue to have a far less pristine house than pre kids

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