for me to expect my friends to still be there when i can no longer go out drinking?

[deedee81]

Since the moment I found out I was pregnant I obviously could no longer do my usual drinking sessions with my friends, thou at first I did still go round to their houses for sober laughs. But then I had spd and anemia which made getting about quite difficult, if I had a good day with the spd and I could actually walk I would pass out due to the anemia. So I couldn't get out as offen as I liked. And very soon after the symptoms started I stopped hearing from my friends, I had so much to deal with during my pregnacy and so many problems with my little one which ended with an emergency c-section and her nearly not making it I felt I really needed them but they just disappeared. Since having my beautiful baby I still rarely hear from them and only have recently because i said on fb that I'm having my sis-in law round for a drink, then they all want to come! And again I have had a lot to deal with since my little one has been born, numerous hospital visits and appointments worries and heartache, then problems with baby's father and not one of them have been there. I gave up trying after I while yet they still want to come have a drink? My little one is nearly one now and Ijust feel they have let me down when I needed them the most and I have always been there and dropped everything to be there for them in the past and I don't feel I want to make nice with them now.

That sounds awful - you've been through do much. Did your friends know what was going on ? Do any of them have children? Sometimes people don't know how to react to difficult situations, but want to support you nonetheless. Maybe you'd friends want to come round for a drink because it's the only way they know how to communicate or get together?

Time for some new friends.

There is always an amount of natural wastage when you go through a massive life change. I lost a lot of friends when I had my first baby - they just didn't really "get" that I couldn't be available in the same way (or that drinking for five or six hours is not really a possibility when you are dealing with sleep deprivation!)

But then you also have opportunities to make new friends - antenatal groups, baby groups etc.

During my second pregnancy I had very bad SPD, I can tell you that was a real eye-opener in terms of who my friends were. Some people who I didn't see much of previously really stepped up and were there for me. Others simply vanished. I was unable to walk (or rather, I had to walk because of DC1, but was in a lot of pain!) and it was a really shitty time.

The friends that were there for me through that are the ones I really value now. In some cases they were not even particularly close friends before all that happened. I still don't have unlimited time or energy to socialise but I make an effort to text, email, call as well.

Funnily enough I find myself much less drained by my friendships now. I think a lot of those "fair weather friends" demanded a lot of me without reciprocating. I might go out once a month instead of two or three times a week now, but I almost always come back feeling happy, refreshed, energetic. In the Pre-DC days I often found nights out etc quite fraught and knackering.

Without having a massive fall-out, I would just think about where you want to be directing your time and energy now that it is so precious!

I also think you need to seriously think about what type of friends these people are. They sound fair weather friends to me. You and your LO have been through so much - congratulations by the way -

Sadly I think this kind of thing happens a lot
I lost most of my friends while pregnant and since having dc but I have made a few new ones since

Having kids is a watershed moment, you will find friends without kids generally drift away, different life stages and styles.

Childless friends just don't get that you can't do all the things you used to, and probably won't understand until they have them themselves.
It's taken me a while to accept this, there's still a place for my old friends, but I have new ones too

The funny thing is they all have children and yes on the occassions we did speak during my pregnancy they knew what was going on. I just feel very let down and especially for the fact I was there for their bad times as well as their good times and the only time I needed they were no where to be seen . I did try to reach out a few times after my little one was born but it s eem they didn't really want to know so I gave up but now that things are steadying out for my little and I no longer feel soo overwhelmed they want to flit back in. I never usually am someone who talks about my problems or ever asks for help yet I will always be the first most come to to talk and ask me for help so it just kinda feels this has been the first time I have ever needed support and not one of them have even been a shoulder to cry on so to speak.