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Original poster

DH invited a couple for dinner after I asked him not to

71 replies

Armadale · 30/07/2013 23:09

He mentioned to me he thinks he should invite them and I specifically said, no, please do not invite them.

He was then phoned by them and invited them to dinner Angry

He says it was a spur of the moment thing, it just came out of his mouth.
I'm cross with him that he did it after I said not to, feels like he put impressing/placating these people before my opinion. He has apologised and said he should not have done so.

Here's the thing: what should I do?

I do not want these people in my house- we see them fortnightly at a group we attend with other people, I'm fine with that but I do not want to be friends with them.I do not want to discuss personal things with them that are more likely to enter the conversation at a dinner than casually in a group with other people.

(The man gives me the creeps. I think he is an EA. He gaslights a lot about things that don't even matter, eg if he's 10 mins late he will then say 'good job I got here just on the dot of half past' as if it is going to remake history in my head and he was really on time iyswim. That sounds a silly example but he does it a lot about different things).

On the other hand, I can't ask DH to ring up and say 'no, sorry, you can't come'.

I don't want an enormous row with DH,, he knows he got it wrong and he has apologised, but the thought of this man in my house is just bluergh.

(DH wandering around so might not be able to answer promptly )

OP posts:
MrRected · 31/07/2013 05:27

Pull a sickie on the morning of the dinner.

No harm done.

Jinty64 · 31/07/2013 05:50

You have to tell your dh what you have told us. You do not like the man and do not wish to socialise with him. Then go out for the evening. Dh can have them round and let them know you had other plans.

meganorks · 31/07/2013 07:04

Why don't you invite some other couples from the group you normally meet with so not just them? Or take the opportunity to get to know them a bit better and see if definitely I'd and arsehole. If he is hopefully your dh will notice this time and not invite them again!

GeraldineAubergine · 31/07/2013 07:09

Tell them the dress code is 'phallic symbols' and I bet they wont turn up.

fluffyraggies · 31/07/2013 07:14

Just get DH to ring up and cancel! Hard hard can it be? Is he 5?

''Hi, sorry, somethings come up and we can't do (insert day) after all. Maybe another time. We'll see you on (insert day) at the group anyway''.

Done.

fluffyraggies · 31/07/2013 07:16

How hard! Not hard hard.

(the phallic post above obviously effected me Grin )

GingerBlondecat · 31/07/2013 07:19

This
IsetanWed 31-Jul-13 03:48:08

I'm not sure about your H knowing he did wrong, I think he knows he got away with it. Apparently, ignoring your oppion and feelings are prefferable to saying he made a mistake to this couple. Make sure he caters the whole thing, less likely to do this again when he's the one put out.

Your Husband has been taking lesssons from him. Accidently asked them, my arse.

TheRealFellatio · 31/07/2013 07:28

Oh dear. You have two options.

Option 1: Cancel. Not immediately, as you'll feel obliged to book another date, but about one or two days before, with some trumped up emergency/illness, and then make vague noises about rebooking in a few weeks, and then never rebook. Hopefully they'll be too polite to mention it and won't invite you to them instead.

Option 2: See it through. Invite for four other people, so that the atmosphere is diluted and the conversation doesn't get too personal or focused on you/them.

Hopefully they won't invite you back. Some people just hate having to entertain, even if they are technically obliged to return the invitation, so you might get off the hook!

TheRealFellatio · 31/07/2013 07:36

I invited a new friend and her husband for dinner without meeting her husband first, which was a mistake. He was a total dick. Luckily there were two other couples there (who also thought he was a dick) so I didn't have to lavish too much attention on him. AS we shut the door behind them at the end of the evening my DH turned to me and said 'Don't EVER invite them here again, and if they invite us back you can go on your own.'

I said, 'Oh don't worry about that - I won't be going at all.' Shock

But they never invited us back anyway. We remained 'friends' and bumped into one another regularly at a local activity we were all involved with but I think they just didn't have many friends due to him being an arsehole and were not the entertaining types. Thankfully, as it turned out - no awkward excuses to make about why we couldn't go!

ageofgrandillusion · 31/07/2013 07:48

Simple option for me - let your hub sort it all himself while you go out on the lash. Then roll in sozzled while they are half way through dinner and hurl a string if insults at this annoying bloke before sloping off to bed.

BoulevardOfBrokenSleep · 31/07/2013 08:42

Agree with YouTheCat that you should do it for his wife's sake, she might well be struggling if he is EA as you suspect.

BoulevardOfBrokenSleep · 31/07/2013 08:43

Sorry - I said you should do it! - obviously your DH should be doing the shopping/cooking as he extended the invitation.
Does he not know you've started this thread, then?

formicadinosaur · 31/07/2013 09:08

I would probably make it a big gathering and change it into a bring and share meal.

SuburbanRhonda · 31/07/2013 09:16

I don't think the OP should feel obliged to emotionally support someone (the wife, in this case), unless she really wants to burden herself with this. I know we're all supposed to look out for each other, but I feel she really shouldn't have to have this couple for dinner because the wife may need emotional support.

ZingWidge · 31/07/2013 09:28

LTB

EuphemiaLennox · 31/07/2013 09:29

Why don't you want to row with your DH?

If my DH invited people over after I'd asked him not to, and he understood that I disliked these people wanted to keep personally distant for them and suspected the man of being a liar or abusive- we'd bloody have a row about it.

I'd then anticipate the outcome of the row being DH having to call and cancel with an excuse, and then him taking my opinions into account in the future before he arranges things.

I think you sound deeply uncomfortable about these people and don't want to expose your personal life to them at all. This should not be ignored.

It's ridiculous to expect you to have to have them over to 'support the wife'.

Surely we're not all obliged to invite over couples we make acquaintances with where with think the man is a knobhead and feel sorry for the wife??

Jeez, I'd be having knobheads to dinner all the time.

attheendoftheday · 31/07/2013 11:20

If your dp made a mistake and acknowledges it as such, I'd just suck it up and have the dinner, and see it as helping him out of a tight spot. Agree beforehand to make polite excuses if invited back to theirs.

Original poster
Armadale · 31/07/2013 16:00

Thanks very much for all the feedback.

Lots of food for thought, and one LTB, which I must admit I thought was a bit harsh!

To answer a couple of questions:

No, dh doesn't know I posted it on MN, he knows I'm on here, but I think what I write about is private and I wouldn't like him reading all my posts.

No, dh would probably not be doing the cooking. I would make him do all the tidying up/ cleaning etc but him cooking would be unadvisable.

I have had a serious think about the advice given, and the whole situation.

I could have lots of other people over to water it down a bit, but it would still, to my mind, be signalling that I wanted to be more than acquaintances with them which is not an impression I want to give.

I also don't really think it is my place to support his wife. Firstly as she seems deeply impressed by him and not needing any support, and secondly as it just isn't something I feel I can cope with emotionally.

I think EuphemiaLennox hit the nail on the head when she said:

"I think you sound deeply uncomfortable about these people and don't want to expose your personal life to them at all. This should not be ignored."

That is it, really.

I've had another think about why I'm so uncomfortable. It is lots of little things, not one big one, so I probably seem petty, but they add up.

I think I'm probably the only person he can tell is not a fan of him, so he spends inordinate amounts of time trying to get me on his side and I feel controlled.

e.g. Last week he volunteered me to do something quite time consuming (12hrs roughly of work) without asking me first.

When I asked him about it (I presumed my name being on the list was a mistake), he said,

'but you'll be so good at it, no-one could do it like you, I couldn't bear it for someone second rate to do it when we've got you'

as if it was some sort of compliment, and then later his wife came up to me and said,

'I think x is a bit upset that you didn't appreciate his confidence in you. Might be worth saying sorry'.

So somehow the whole thing got turned around to being something I had done wrong...I could write down many such examples.

I think I'm trying to justify myself as this isn't a nice way to feel about someone, and it makes me seem petty. But the thing is, he is the only man of my acquaintance I have such a reaction to, and I do trust my instincts about him.

I have had another chat with DH about it. It seems he hasn't given them a firm date but the thing we do together is on hold for 4 sessions (8 weeks) because of the school holiday, so DH mentioned perhaps they would like to come over to us on the night we usually meet up. So I've asked him not to give them a date as to which week.

DH said, 'look i've offered now I can't go back on it', but I really feel he needs to stand up for me now.

I've told him to say that when he checked with me i'd made other plans already.

We shall see whether he does it, but I'm now of the opinion I just will not have them round.

OP posts:
Original poster
Armadale · 31/07/2013 16:01

sorry, didn't realise what a huge post that was Blush

OP posts:
Keztrel · 31/07/2013 16:06

Don't cook. Go out. It's not passive aggressive if you tell your DH that is what you are going to do! His mistake, he can deal with it. FWIW I can see how he could have accidentally invited them - offers like that have slipped out of my mouth before, eg offering to put someone up when I didn't really want to. The point is, your DH should recognise how strongly you feel about this and needs to sort it out.

Wuldric · 31/07/2013 16:08

I think you should take pity on your DH and honour the invitation.

I do that a lot by the way. Whenever there is a gap in the conversation I find myself inviting people to dinner. I swear this is some kind of nervous tic.

JambalayaCodfishPie · 31/07/2013 16:10

If he refuses to call them back he is very simply placing their feelings above yours. Make it clear that this is unacceptable.

Original poster
Armadale · 31/07/2013 16:11

LOL at the nervous tic- yes I can see how it happened, if the bloke had rang me up and said 'so when are we going to see you over the holiday' I would have found it hard not to blurt it out as well, and to be fair, we do have people over lots skint so easy way of cheaply seeing people BUT i'm now pretty sure I just can't do it, although I know it would be a kindness to DH. Have realised it is just one I can't manage.

OP posts:
Original poster
Armadale · 31/07/2013 16:11

Yes I think that's right, Jambalaya

OP posts:
motherinferior · 31/07/2013 16:23

Hmmm, if I invited people round that DP didn't like (and I'm sure I do, quite often, tbh, as am much more sociable than he is) and he asked me to cancel I probably wouldn't. It would just be less hideously embarrassing to have them than to ring up awkwardly to say no.

But I do think he should be cooking in any case, if he invited them.

They sound horrid, btw, don't blame you for not wanting to see them but I don't think pulling an 'if you loved me you'd bin them' will really wash here.