To think my ex should go through me to make plans with the children

[chickensaladagain]

The dcs are aged 9&11

He's just shown up to pick them up for their tea as he had text them and they said they were free

The fact that tea has been cooking since 11am is obviously irrelevant!

Surely he should still be asking me?

In 3 years this is the first time he has done it

Yes, he should be going through you. You may have had plans for them yourself but hadn't had chance to tell them yet.

yes he should. I would also talk to the children as at 11 and 9 they are old enough to understand that plans have to be ran through you before being confirmed (other than on days they are with their dad of course when it works the other way)

We have this with partners ex. He has his kids over the weekend but if she wants to change plans she'll do it with the kid and leave them to tell partner. The thing is, partner and his ex get on fairly well so it's not because she refuses to speak to him or anything. Even when she wants a favour from partner she'll usually get one of the kids to text /call to ask.
Suppose these parents think you're not going to say no to your kids if they ask instead

My ExH always did this. He did it with DStD when she lived with her mum and came to us for visits. He did it with my DD once we had parted ways.

Annoying but I would at least be able to text him (he wouldn't answer his phone to me) and tell him I had plans already. It never got to the point where he would turn up and I didn't expect him.

The dcs didn't think to say, just presumed I knew

They'll know next time!

He asked me at the weekend if he could see them one night this week and I said it was fine, and just to let me know

Grr

Isn't the onus on the children to tell you, a 11yo is plenty old enough IMO.

Just sounds like a miscommunication