Does a 'save the date' for the whole day mean you should be invited to the whole the wedding day?

[TallulahBetty]

A year ago, we (me, DH and DD) received a 'save the date' for a wedding this September. It specifies for the whole day. Today, we received a wedding invite for all 3 of us, but only for the evening. Is this normal practice? I'm a bit miffed to be honest, but if this is normal I'm happy to very told I'm BU.

(Background - this is a girl I lived with at uni, and her boyfriend from uni. They came to our wedding 3 years ago - the whole day. I know that doesn't mean we SHOULD have a whole day invite, but we did save the whole day as she said we should. The evening do starts when DD goes to bed, so she can't go. And we live 3 hours away, so it would mean a 6-hour round trip for a few hours in the evening. We don't really want to stay over just felt an evening do. Other people we lived with have been invited all day.)

AIBU to be a bit miffed? Or is this normal and 'save the date' specifying the whole day doesn't always mean that?!

The trouble with giving money is that it's very obvious how much you've not spent. I don't know if I'd send a gift for missing an evening do - probably a smaller on than if I'd been invited for the whole do, but I would NOT send a cheque. Possibly some John Lewis vouchers?? (as long as they couldn't be converted into Bacardi Breezers in a bar somewhere).

Nah, just a card. They threw you a bone and expect you to hand over spending money for their holiday that's well in the future.

We sent save the date cards but only to people we were inviting to the whole day. There was no 'final cut' excluding people. My family live 200 miles away so it was good to let them know the arrangements far in advance.

We absolutely did not ask for any presents from the evening guests!!

YANBU to be miffed about invite YWBU to send a cheque. As for no trash, just cash. I am embarrassed for them!

domesticexecutiveonline.com/2012/05/complete-guide-to-save-the-date-etiquette/

And it confirms it's poor etiquette to send to someone and not invite them at all as happened to some poor person.

It confirms what i thought that STDs are for very close family and friends and those who need to organise travel. I wouldn't send out STD for evening only purely because evening dos (imo) are more fore less close mates, partners of those who couldn't come during the day and work friends or parents (of groom/bride) friends).

OP, sounds like they intended to invite you, got over-zealous and then retracted which is poor etiquette. Just let them know you can't attend and send a nice card-no money.

Evening-only guests have to be local - work colleagues for example, or people from your amdram group or sports club.

When I got married nine years ago, most people didn't send std cards at all. If you did, it was for very significant people who would have to make particular effort to be there, eg close family, ushers, good friend who has since emigrated. Typically less than half of the all-day guests, anyway.

They're just a way for your stationer to screw another couple of hundred quid out of you.

Sod the cheque. The logistics don't work. Nice card of regret and best wishes.

I tend to think that you're being a tiny bit unreasonable depending on how the save the date was worded. Surely it is just that. To say our wedding will be on this day and makes no mention of whether you'll get an evening or day invitation

Call me old fashioned - well I am of advanced years compared to many posters but when did all this STD crap come in anyway.Whatever is wrong with a good old fashioned nice invitation sent in plenty of time?Surely all the really important people ie.family and close friends all know by word of mouth,e-mail, FB whatever your marriage is imminent and when.Just seems like another layer of wedding frippery and expense to me.
Also a year in advance ?And a big round trip for just the evening do.I think not.just send a nice card and no cheque.

Rufus20 - did you read my subsequent posts? The save the date did mention the whole day. Church do at X, reception after at Y, evening reception at Y. I don't think I've misinterpreted being asked to save the whole day.

It's outrageous that they got you to book a day off work and have then invited you to the evening only. Are they unable to imagine this sequence of events from your perspective? It's either extremely thoughtless or very odd. They should be making a shamefaced apology to you.

Did it say you'd be getting an invite to all that?

I think my head is going to explode with all this wedding madness. It is making me think the gap between me and other people is widening to a massive uncrossable cavern.

WTF! You took a day off work then weren't invited?

In the past 3 years we have had 4 wedding invitations. 3 of them so rude i have not gone and never spoken to those people again.

One was my cousin. He (and my whole dads side of my family) didn't come to my wedding because despite phoning them and telling them when the wedding was, I didn't send STD cards, whaich they thought was rude and despite sending the invitation 3 months prior to the wedding, they had all arranged to have a BBQ with each other. Fine. Following year we get a STD card for a Weds wedding miles away. Then we get just an evening invitation. Which we politely decline. Then said cousin rings my dad to bitch about why we weren't 'honoured' to have been invited and that HE was going to have no one from his side there and that his mum was upset. Dad said 'how do you think Koala felt?' But apparently. That's different

I do think this is bad form, but a friend I am very fond of sent one of these without specifying day/night either. I didn't want to awkwardly ask so had to wait months to find out which bit we were invited to! As I suspected, it was evening. This was fine as we were local but otherwise I would have been a bit annoyed at the guessing game.

"when did all this STD crap come in?"

When someone decided that VD was too stigmatised a term.

Sorry - but STD card sounds exactly what a GUM clinic sends to contacts. It's still the dominant term in much of the English-speaking world, even though in UK it's interchangeable with the even more recently coined STI.

This thread is making me giggle for all the wrong reasons.

Surely though if the person/people getting married are your friends (which I presume they would be, if you got an invite to their wedding?) then you'd want to give them a present they can actually make use of?

I'm more than happy to give cash/vouchers/whatever as requested.

It's more than a little bloody stubborn, in my mind, when people insist on getting the bride and groom yet more wine glasses/naff picture frames/awful table linen etc when just because they feel that's a wedding present?

I've never given money (or vouchers) when people have asked for them. It's absurdly rude.

so it's not rude to give them something that they distinctly clearly don't want or need? ! I really don't get that attitude at all.

Incidentally, yes, I'm getting married in a few weeks. We are broke. My family are paying for the very small wedding (under £3k for everything) We are struggling to pay our council tax, or buy food at the minute.

Yet apparently, some people, if they were invited to our wedding, would rather buy us something useless we have no need for because why???!!

Thankfully I have super friends who are insisting on giving us money. We haven't asked for it. Even when pressed, I've insisted, no present, just bring yourself. They've then said, no, don't be daft, you're broke, right, money it is and you can buy whatever you need. I'm not going to argue with their logic (lovely, lovely friends I have)

"Save the date" cards are naff, and there's no need for them.

They usually don't give enough indication about what the expectations for the day will be, so people aren't quite in the picture about what they're saving the day for. If you want someone to "save the date" ages in advance and decline everything else, then either just tell them informally that wedding will be on X day and we'll be sending you an invitation, or make sure you send invitations out in plenty of time.

Yes Rufus, it says save the date for all of that, invite to follow.

That's what we did Wbdn28, but apparently STD cards are now so mandatory i was considered rude not to send them to some people

If it did say you will be invited to the full day, then fair enough. If it didn't say it explicitly you'd be making an assumption. But I'm just saying until you do receive an invitation, it's not really an invitation

I am totally happy to give money - money is always useful.

but I find std cards really.....controlling....self obsessed...you have to be available to come to my wedding etc. etc. I like to be able to have an excuse not to go!

Oh I know that. But as per my previous post, the STD clearly gave times for all 3 'stages' of the day and asked us to keep the day free.

STD cards are pointless, just send the invite. Just another way to waste money. Perhaps if they were more sensible with wedding items they wouldnt need to charge their guests an entry fee.

Personally hate evening only invites, the vows are the important part of the wedding not the party after. Very cheeky to expect and ask for a gift from an evening only guest.

I find std cards really.....controlling....self obsessed

Yes, I agree. They're asking for a commitment from you, without committing to offering anything in particular in return.

The stupidest thing about std cards is when they match the main invitations and are ordered together with the invitations, orders of service, place cards, etc... Why not just send the invitation?

Sending an email or plain note (or maybe even a phone call) to make sure the key players can make suitable arrangements once you have set the date - and yes that does include timings of what they're invited to, so they can work out how many nights to stay over, etc - is plenty.

I wouldn't bother with all that faff for an evening do 3 hours away. They are not close friends or family to be worth all the effort & expense so just send a card and be done with it.