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AIBU?

Does a 'save the date' for the whole day mean you should be invited to the whole the wedding day?

104 replies

TallulahBetty · 30/07/2013 15:36

A year ago, we (me, DH and DD) received a 'save the date' for a wedding this September. It specifies for the whole day. Today, we received a wedding invite for all 3 of us, but only for the evening. Is this normal practice? I'm a bit miffed to be honest, but if this is normal I'm happy to very told I'm BU.

(Background - this is a girl I lived with at uni, and her boyfriend from uni. They came to our wedding 3 years ago - the whole day. I know that doesn't mean we SHOULD have a whole day invite, but we did save the whole day as she said we should. The evening do starts when DD goes to bed, so she can't go. And we live 3 hours away, so it would mean a 6-hour round trip for a few hours in the evening. We don't really want to stay over just felt an evening do. Other people we lived with have been invited all day.)

AIBU to be a bit miffed? Or is this normal and 'save the date' specifying the whole day doesn't always mean that?!

OP posts:

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TallulahBetty · 30/07/2013 15:56

I've got the save the date here and there's deffo no room for misunderstanding.

Clearly states ceremony at X church, a reception after at "a local venue" and an evening reception.

OP posts:

firesidechat · 30/07/2013 15:57

My daughter sent out save the date cards. The cards only said that the wedding was going to happen on a particular date and no details were given.

Everyone who got a save the date was invited to the wedding.

Everyone who was invited to the wedding was invited to all parts of the day. No separate evening invitees.

Seemed to work well and as far as I know no one was upset.

Not sure how your invite was worded but maybe they shouldn't have built up certain expectations. We went to three weddings in one year which were evening only and 2 hours away. Not sure if I would do that again, so I can understand why you wouldn't be keen either. Personally I think long distance quests should be invited to the whole day. Plenty of brides will disagree with me though.

DidoTheDodo · 30/07/2013 15:57

What I really hate is the word "invite" used as a noun. It's "invitation". This riles me more than any supposed wedding etiquette.

expatinscotland · 30/07/2013 15:57

She changed her mind. Fair play. Don't go and don't give her money.

FasterStronger · 30/07/2013 15:59

I don't mind a STD for a wedding. just I have been sent them for 1st birthdays which is a little OTT...

themaltesefalcon · 30/07/2013 15:59

Definitely a card, no cheque.

The cheek of some people.

CaptainSweatPants · 30/07/2013 16:00

For a 1st birthday?! Jeez!

prettypleasewithsugarontop · 30/07/2013 16:03

I opened an invite last week, to an evening do, 4hrs away...thought it was STD turns out its the actual invitation...wedding is September 2014

FruOla · 30/07/2013 16:03

Save The Date cards should only be sent to those who are invited to the whole shebang.

They should never be sent to people who are only invited to the evening do.

And they should never be sent to anyone who subsequently does not receive any invitation at all.

Floggingmolly · 30/07/2013 16:05

Save the date, a year in advance, so you can go and buy yourself a drink in the hotel of their choice?? FFS!
I've never even really understood save the date cards, why not just send the bloody invitation?

meditrina · 30/07/2013 16:06

I miss the noun "invitation" too.

And 'save the date' is not what springs to mind first on seeing "STD" !

TallulahBetty · 30/07/2013 16:10

DH has just text me suggesting a day out with DD and treating ourselves to a nice meal as I'm a bit down about it. Seems a shame to waste a Friday off work

OP posts:

TallulahBetty · 30/07/2013 16:11

And thank you all for your input

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farrowandbawl · 30/07/2013 16:12

"And they should never be sent to anyone who subsequently does not receive any invitation at all."

FruOla, we NEED that bridezilla to answer that email.

angelos02 · 30/07/2013 16:13

Save the date cards are bonkers. Before booking my wedding, I just checked that the date I wanted fitted in with immediate family. That was it. I wouldn't expect someone to book their holiday or whatever around my wedding day! It isn't that much of a big deal.

DoudousDoor · 30/07/2013 16:16

You had to take time off work too!!!

I have never received a Save the Date (or an STD ) but when DH and I decided to get married we did quickly contact (phone or face to face) everyone who was invited as we decided to get married 4 months after we got engaged.

'Twas a small wedding though and we actually told people it was one of 2 weekends to find out which one they were free for (and ended up with our wedding day on the second weekend because one of our witnesses wasn't free the weekend before!)

So we let everyone know the date and the town, then a few weeks later sent the invitations with timings etc. although by that time everyone already had all the information!

Bakingtins · 30/07/2013 16:17

Isn't it rude to invite people who live at a distance to the evening do only? We did have people at our wedding who were only invited to the ceremony and the evening, but it was only friends and work colleagues who lived locally. I wouldn't have expected people to travel any great distance and then not entertain/feed them for the whole day.

mrspaddy · 30/07/2013 16:17

I never go to an evening invitation and we didn't send any evening invites at ours. You either want people at your wedding or not. I would send a card. Really silly of them to send STD cards.

servingwench · 30/07/2013 16:18

I've had this before, and I was miffed, and didn't go!

makingdoo · 30/07/2013 16:20

I would be miffed too OP

You say there was a note with the invitation - was there a poem too? > rubs hands with anticipated glee

Lariflete · 30/07/2013 16:20

Maybe I'm being a bit pedantic but surely if you are sending 'Save The Date' cards, that means saving the whole 'date' not just a few hours of it.
But, my BIL sent a STD to my parents and given the nature of my dad's job he arranged to fly home from a meeting the day before and fly back out the next day. We were all saying how great STD had been in that instance. Then, the invitation came and it was for evening do only!
BIL and SIL-to-be compounded the offense by also asking for money with a tacky poem in the invitation!!!

ARealDame · 30/07/2013 16:20

Is all this bridezilla stuff actually middle-class wankery in disguise? (sorry to down'grade the discussion here).

Another one who says - don't go and don't send her any money either. I wouldn't travel more than 30 mins for a warm glass of chardonnay and a ham sandwich.

Hope you and your DH, DD have a super day out instead and treat yourselves!

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Greenkit · 30/07/2013 16:21

What I don't understand is why, when this happens, people cant just pick up the phone and discuss it like grown ups. If she is a friend surely you can talk to her, ask her if it is indeed the evening only, or did she forget to pop the day bit in, then you can 'get it from the horses mouth' and politely decline there and then (If that's what you want to do) giving your reasons.

CommanderShepard · 30/07/2013 16:21

I thought it was rude to invite out-of-towners only to the evening do too.

TallulahBetty · 30/07/2013 16:21

makingdo yes there is a poem! About our presence being more important than our presents clearly not for me, DH and DD though

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