AIBU to want to do something about this pub regular? WWYD?

[LucySnoweShouldRelax]

I work in a pub. It's a nice place, we don't have a lot of regulars in comparison to other pubs, but the ones we do have are friendly, say hi, have a chat, but generally mind their own business.

All except one. One particular regular insists on sitting in the same place, on the busier end of the bar, where he can pass comment on anything and everything any of the staff say to each other, which winds me up, but is probably par for the course. He's middle aged, everyone who works there is in their twenties. FWIW, he also has a partner, who comes in sometimes.

However, the reason he makes me uncomfortable is that he sits there for hours, by himself, leering at all of the female bar staff. I don't know if any of you have ever had to work while someone stares at you constantly, but it is horrible. It's 'just' staring, but all the girls there are on edge while he's there.

What has made it worse is that a new girl, very pretty, very friendly, started recently. One evening, he got even more blotto than usual and started telling her that he had been thinking about her all day, he wanted to have a drink with her, etc, etc, sleaze sleaze sleaze. Aside from "no thank you" she didn't really know what to say. After he left that night, he tried ringing the pub to speak to her again. Next time he came in, he claimed he couldn't remember a thing.

AIBU to want to do something about this guy? Or should I just expect this (no other regular in this pub behaves like this. In the past I have told customers whose behaviour I didn't like to stop, eg addressing me as "baby")? The Assistant Manager has already said that if he 'really' crosses a line, he will be told not to come back, but surely making half the staff incredibly uncomfortable IS crossing a line? I want this new staff member, who was pretty upset by it all, to feel like we're a team that will look out for her, it's a lovely family atmosphere we have among ourselves, and most of our customers, but I think this guy is ruining it for her. Anyone else been in a similar situation? What could I do?

*I realise I've used the term "girls" throughout here to refer to women in their twenties. Sorry if this sounds patronizing, it's how we refer to ourselves though!

Reality Part of me wishes he would comment inappropriately, because then I could go and tell him to go and fuck himself with a fuck stick. that would not be a problem for me. Dirty looks and ignoring his banal nosy conversation haven't made much difference.

i guess the reason I'd like to speak to my GM is so that this new girl can feel supported, like we have her back. He pisses me off, I can deal with that, but the phonecall incident has actually upset her.

But how does this new woman (because she's not a girl) feel?

It's commendable that you want to look after her, but I hope it's not going to make her feel awkward/smothered?

She's come to me a number of times while he's been there on shift and told me how uncomfortable she feels. We had a chat about it after work one evening, with the Assistant Manager, when he said if it ever happened again, he'd have words. She's asked if everyone just accepts the leering, if it's the kind of place where no one cares, and I'd like her to feel that it's not, and if she's put in that position again, she should feel free to stand up for herself.

I take what you mean though, I don't want to interfere on her behalf, or exaggerate it because of my own dislike of the guy, but I wouldn't make a drama of it, just make the GM aware how uncomfortable this guy makes us.

Well there's no harm in making the GM aware.

But it's hard to define leering really isn't it?

We all know what it is, and yet it's hard to explain exactly.

No-one has to accept being made to feel purposely uncomfortable at work...but let's not forget that alcohol can impair people's judgement of their own behaviour.

I hate to say it because it does sound a bit like victim blaming, but if she's going to work with people drinking alcohol, she will have to toughen up a teensy bit.

I don't include the phone call thing in that though...that was totally unacceptable.

So does this guys partner know about the phone calls...

Yeah, trying to define how uncomfortable he makes us feel is next to impossible. The guys, aside from the Assistant Manager, are completely oblivious.

She's not at all a wet blanket, but I think the phonecall thing has unsettled her. I've been working there a year, I've dealt with plenty of drunks, creeps and dickheads, no bother, but there's something about this guy that makes my skin crawl like no one else I've dealt with.

Cheers again for the advice.

When I worked in a pub I regularly had flowers delivered from a secret admirer. I mean really expensive bouquets of flowers on a regular basis

It was funny at first, sweet the second time and then plain weird and creepy so I had to tell the Manger to tell the staff not to accept any more deliveries

Offer him a friendly bit of advice along the lines of:

"Yeah Sarah is lovely, we all think she is great, so does her boyfriend of 6 years, he is a top bloke, plays professional rugby and represented GB in jujitsu at the Commonwealth games when he was 19, would do anything for Sarah, bit of a short temper though......"

I would have thought that the obvious thing to do, was to say something in front of his lady friend. Such as "you'll have to put up with me tonight, as your new friend isn't here/ doesn't want to be leered at any more/ pestered with phonecalls again". Watch his face drop

Oh yes, cuchullain, or get a rugby player from the local club to play the part of the jealous boyfriend!

I have a rather dramatic elderly gentleman who has promised to marry me when his divorce comes through, and likes to sing Irish airs at me. Again, cute at first, but now he expects a rather-too-close-for-comfort kiss on the cheek when he's leaving the pub.

He only comes to the pub once or twice a month, if that was everyday, there'd be words.

Ooh it sounds like one of my regulars, I started calling him Dad (coz he's old enough to be my Dad).

He eventually packed it in after one friday he was a bit drunk and kept talking to my boobs so i just said very loudly so everyone at the bar could hear 'Sorry Dad, my boobs can't serve you, they don't know how to pour a pint' and wandered off to serve someone else, he looked like I'd slapped him and everyone gave him dodgy looks or laughed at him. He did complain about me but luckily the landlord found it funny so I didn't get told off and the guy won't even look at me now.

I've had to deal with a few regulars like it over the years and sarcastic comments have always worked for me, although I've always worked in independent freeholds, some of my friends in chain pubs couldn't get away with some of the comments i do so make sure you know what you can get away with before trying it.

I do tell at work that his mannerisms remind me of my great uncle lol but i do it regularly,he gets the message.

i wouldn't want to cause a drama and get his GF involved, and I know my colleague wouldn't either. Don't think it would achieve anything.

I know it's not "womaning up", and we should, definitely, stick up for ourselves, but there is a tiny, bad-feminist part of me, that would love some 6ft something lad to give him a bit of an "what are YOU looking at"

Tell him he reminds you of a bloke in the last place you worked call him john.
Week later start a conversation near him about how you hate leery people and then shudder and say how that reminds you of john from where you last worked....

I don't think I engage with him enough to find a way in with a sarcastic comment. About all I say to him now is "Will you have another pint?"

Xihha well played, I hope any of my colleagues know they have my full approval to play a similar card. Independent pub too, as I said, i'm more than happy to tell people to stop when their pissing me off, calling me baby/sweetheart in a creepy way, mimicking my accent (will accept that's a bit of a personal pet peeve) My luckiness in this respect is probably what make s me so annoyed at this guy.

I worked bars for YEARS.
From the one customer a day on the corner bar, to rushed off your feet for 10 hours a night, nightclub.

I have been leered at, propositioned, grabbed, threatened...

What I have never been, is worried.

You need to chat to all the other staff and sort out if you are all feeling pissed off or actually, truly, worried about this guy.

If you ARE worried, don't ignore that feeling and properly talk to your managers.
Don't engage in conversation with him, no eye contact, be polite but nothing more when you serve him.
Make sure none of you are walking home or to your cars across a dark car park alone.

Whilst it is true 'leering' isn't illegal, please don't ignore the way he worries you.

Popped in last night, to discover that GM had been told about the phonecall, and has barred the creep. Always nice to be proved wrong about people!

Thanks all for words of wisdom, and sharing of anecdotes.

Lucy, I feel for you! Work in a pub too and have a couple of regulars who don't seem to understand appropriate boundaries.

Elderly, Rich gent who offers me lifts in his classic cars 'You don't drive like toad of toad hall do you?!' and tried to kiss me on the cheek once and I had to take a step back 'No, xxx, that is not really appropriate, thanks all the same.' Having had a similar regular in my last job, at which point I was single and it was all a bit of fun, I was a bit more responsive, but now I have no patience for that and he needed to know the very first time not to do it again... I am a waitress not an elderly-ego-masseuse.

We have barred a guy like the one you first spoke of too, because he was creeping out not only the staff but other customers. I realised he was watching one particular group of ladies who come for dinner every few months and then after the manager told him to leave as it was disturbing them, hung around outside until they got in their taxi! stalker material!

Glad you have got rid.