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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To believe 12 is too young to be obsessed with finding a boyfriend

75 replies

ItsDecisionTime · 30/07/2013 11:33

Many of my DDs friends are absolutely obsessed with finding a boyfriend and it's taking over their lives. Many of them haven't even entered puberty but believe something's wrong with them if they aren't 'in a relationship'. One friend even wrote on FB that she met a boy on holiday, he kissed her on the lips, held her hand and they lay gazing at the stars. She is only 11. I can remember my first boyfriend at 15 and I only went out with him because all my friends were doing it. Have times changed so much that I'm to be on my guard against boys this early in my child's life?

OP posts:

cory · 31/07/2013 11:54

I managed at the age of 12 to be obsessed about:

my handsome sailing instructor

opera

the boy in the desk next to me

the idea of learning all the languages in the world

my squint

my plans for walking the Great Wall of China

how I could convince my mum that I didn't need a bra (I sooo did!)

I have never had so much obsessive energy in my life since. Hormones, no doubt.

As for spending all your thoughts on wholesome pursuits- do you even manage that as adults? (in which case you are better people than I)

(and if you are counting MN as wholesome- that is cheating!)

Auntfini · 31/07/2013 12:00

I think it is normal, it's just that when we were all 12, we didn't have facebook to put our thoughts onto, we kept diaries! So nobody's mum could read what we were thinking. Cringe for these kids when they're 18 and can see the terribly embarrassing things that they wrote as children.

Original poster

ItsDecisionTime · 31/07/2013 12:25

I think I'm probably referring to the more extremes in my post. For example, one friend of a friend has put on FB that she feels like killing herself because her bf dumped her after 2 weeks. Another put up a status to do with cutting herself because she was so depressed about being the only group of her friends without a bf. FB definitely perpetuates this but unfortunately, many of these girls are on FB and have been for a long time.

OP posts:

JemimaMuddledUp · 31/07/2013 12:37

I think it is worse now than it was when I was that age.

DS1 has just finished Y5 and the girls in his year are always talking about who they "fancy" and want to go out with. He got really upset when one girl insisted that he had to be her boyfriend. One of his friends told another girl that he wasn't interested (they are 10, they just want to play football not be anyone's boyfriend) and then suffered weeks of bullying by a big group of her friends. It is ridiculous.

Again, a lot of these 10/11 year olds are on FB. They mimic what they see teens posting without understanding it at all.

Of course we all wanted to be teenagers when we were 10/11/12. But I'm sure we were far more innocent than these girls are.

MrsHoarder · 31/07/2013 13:45

This is a facebook problem. It causes a lot less mass histeria when older girls were writing this sort of thing in their diaries then when they are posting it for the world to see.

BTW: do these girls' parents know what they're writing on fb? Surely they need help with this stuff?

cory · 31/07/2013 13:57

I am not sure we were more innocent (cringes at the thought of the diary I lost- which was probably found by the new occupants of our house after we moved); but facebook perpetuates it and rubs your nose in it.

BatwingsAndButterflies · 31/07/2013 14:01

When I was 11 I was obsessed with boys and having a relationship, was wildly jealous of anyone who had a boyf. At 12 I had a holiday romance with lots of snogging but nothing else. Love life laid low for about a year then picked up again with a vengeance when I was 13/14. Lost virginity at 14, had sex once again at age 15 and started my first long-term sexual relationship age 16. Have not been single for more than a couple of months since.

I regret nothing, I was quite emotionally mature for my age and knew what I was doing. I was lucky however that all my boys were nice and respected my wishes, stopped when they were asked, it could have been different.

thebody · 31/07/2013 14:02

oh I was obsessed with boys from about 11 onwards and I am wrong side of 45!

incidentally cutting yourself and threatening to commit suecide is not new either although that is extreme.

11 year olds going out usually involved a bit if hand holding and a peck on lips. quite sweet really.

BatwingsAndButterflies · 31/07/2013 14:03

Also all my terrible angst-ridden poetry and ramblings were hidden taped under a drawer and not online. People might have been very concerned if they had seen them but I was ok really, just normal teenage hormones/angst. I'm fine now.

thebody · 31/07/2013 14:04

just to add I am sure every generation from the beginning of time says ' we were never like this' or 'kids of today'

hey ho.

shotofexpresso · 31/07/2013 14:08

I totally agree thebody, I always say this no-one agree's,

ppl my age say this!!I'm early 20's!!!!

limegreentrousers · 31/07/2013 15:53

My nearly 12 year old dd has her first BF. They have been "going out" now for 3 months. "Going out" consists of meeting up in the park with 4 other 12 year old "couples" and playing football, netball, playing chase and just basically hanging out. Today they all went to the cinema together - Only "couples" allowed tho :)

AmazingBouncingFerret · 31/07/2013 17:29

I'd say completely normal to be obsessing over boys.

My first snog was at 9 years old.
My first love was at 10. Blonde hair, blue eyes, ever so good at football.. we went out until the end of year 7 and were separated because we went to different secondary schools. The most we did was snogging, holding hands, the odd groping and sneaky arse pinching during lessons.

Looked him up a few year ago. He'd been in prison for murder.

dirtyface · 31/07/2013 19:09

ha my first snog was in the cloakroom in my year 6 classroom

me and the boy used to pass eachother notes to meet in there for a sneaky snog

MrsHoarder · 31/07/2013 22:09

Amazing

I'm now glad my first love is entirely un-googleable (one of the most common names in the UK).

lljkk · 31/07/2013 22:26

Normal in my childhood for most the girls to be interested in boys by 10-11yo. DD is 11 & her lot no worse than we were (35 yrs ago).

diddl · 31/07/2013 22:33

Wasn't normal for me & my friends at that age, nor for my daughter-who along with her friends at 15, still isn't interested in boys.

The ones that are have gradually been defriended.

Or maybe my boyfriendless daughter & her boyfriendless friends have been defriended by them!

lljkk · 01/08/2013 06:58

My parents were very disappointed that I hadn't brought a boyfriend home by 16, they actively nagged me about it. About boys my mother was far worse than me (teenager in 1950s). Pregnant and a shotgun wedding at 17. Grandmothers and aunties no better. Almost 200 years ago is a GGG-mother who got married at 14 or 15, groom was 31-2yo.

RoxyFox211 · 01/08/2013 07:21

As other posters have stated I think this is very normal, and has been going on at this age since the dawn of time.

Toptack · 01/08/2013 07:40

Hmm, I agree with whoever mentioned upthread that it's unreasonable to be 'obsessed with getting a boyfriend', however old you are! Having crushes on particular boys, otoh, is entirely reasonable for a 12 year old.

valiumredhead · 01/08/2013 12:24

Ime OP you don't need to be on your guard against boys, girls of this age would eat the poor unsuspecting boys alive!

mrsjay · 01/08/2013 16:31

This is a facebook problem. It causes a lot less mass histeria when older girls were writing this sort of thing in their diaries then when they are posting it for the world to see.

Mrs hoarder is right it is a facebook problem it causes teenagers and adults to share their inner thoughts and of course this is a dramatic statement I am going to kill myself she wont she is just being over dramatic and hormone driven like we all were at 12

BergholtStuttleyJohnson · 01/08/2013 18:16

I'm 25 and remember being desperate for a boyfriend and talking about boys constantly. By the age of 14 I didn't give a shit about having a boyfriend, there were boys I liked but I was no longer obsessive and giggly over it. It's just a phase that many girls go through.

BergholtStuttleyJohnson · 01/08/2013 18:20

oh and I had my first boyfriend at 13 but the most we did was kiss on the cheek! I was "heartbroken" when we split up. I didn't have sex until I was 21 so it doesn't mean they're all going to be having sex really young.

MarysDressSways · 02/08/2013 15:28

I've just remember a "date" I went on when I was 10! Haha, ohh it was mortifying. 6 of us from school (3 boys, 3 girls) went to a tennis club disco (my Mum had to be convinced by his Mum that it was all above board and supervised). I wore a ridiculous bright yellow shorts and t-shirt set with pineapples all over it, and everyone else looked really cool and grown up in comparison in jeans and understated tops. One of the other "couples" had a falling out because he didn't want to dance with her and so they both cried. Dramaaaa. That's where the relationship ended... sigh.

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