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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To judge people who 'discipline' their children in public?

33 replies

possum18 · 29/07/2013 21:49

Today at work a little girl about 4 and her mum had just finished their shopping. Little girl asked mum if she could have some of the crisps they had just bought as part of their shop. Mum went CRAZY at her dd, grabbing her by the wrist and yelling and swearing at her. DD started crying so she dragged her outside by her wrist. Was very distressing and not the first time I've seen something like this!! I'd never dream of acting like this, let alone in public. Am I the only one????

OP posts:

SantanaLopez · 29/07/2013 21:53

That's not discipling, that's abuse, poor wee mite.

sonlypuppyfat · 29/07/2013 21:54

I always think judge least not ye be judged it might be something she's never done before she might be under a lot of pressure you just don't know it might be the straw that broke the camels back she might be lovely at all other times.

belle1992 · 29/07/2013 21:56

Completely agree with you I'm always seeing things like that, was on the train the other day a woman had two kids about 5 and 7ish they weren't doing anything wrong and she slapped one and pushed one over kept shouting at them. I feel so sorry for these poor babies being treated so horribly by their parents! they are going to grow up not knowing any different and treat their kids exactly the same.

Original poster

possum18 · 29/07/2013 21:59

Working in retail it's something I'm definitely seeing more and more of, and i always want to do something to help, but what can you do? i know I don't know the people and their full stories but its so distressing to see.

OP posts:

Justforlaughs · 29/07/2013 22:00

I'm in a similar boat, OP, was at the supermarket the other day and saw a mum I know with her 2 young children. However, she was also with a man (assume her DP but don't know him). She went to get a trolley and they were in the doorway. The children knew me, so they smiled and the man went mad! Dragged them into the store away from the door, shouting at them abnout how stupid they are, getting in the way, blah, blah, blah. Both children crying (age 1.5 and 3), mum said nothing

SkinnybitchWannabe · 29/07/2013 22:01

I totally understand that you got upset..It's horrible to see anything like that
My DH works in a huge supermarket and one day last week a lady witnessed a 'man' hitting his toddler son, who was sitting in the trolley, hard around the head.
She reported him to the security guard who found it on the cctv camera and called the police.
DH said everyone was shocked when they heard what had happened.

jenbird · 29/07/2013 22:04

I agree that it is not acceptable to swear at your kids and I do not shout at mine in public but you also have no idea what the background to the situation was. Maybe the girl had asked 100 times for the crisps and that was the final straw.
Sometimes it might be necessary to discipline your children in public but it's more about the manner in which you do it.

Xihha · 29/07/2013 22:07

I think the question should be should people be judged for dragging their child by the wrist and yelling and swearing at them...

Saying that i have to admit I've been tempted to, my 4 year old can be a real brat in supermarkets and sometimes all the people at the till have seen is the 3 minutes of her being annoying in a cute way, not the 20 minutes it's taken me to get her away from the sweet isle/biscuits/crisps/shiny thing that's caught her attention and the tantrum at the stupid kiddies ride at the entrance, oh and the 'i don't want to go shopping' tantrum when we leave the house and the many getting ready tantrums.

Basically I don't think people should judge based on 2 minutes watching someone they've never met before

pukkapine · 29/07/2013 22:08

I had an awful experience at Woburn Safari Park today - mother/grandmother dumped her approx 3 year old crying his heart out in the toddler area of a soft play whilst she went away, back turned for a good 5 minutes - she then came and grabbed the boy by one wrist and dragged him across the floor where his head then whacked in to a toy and edge of the enclosure. She dragged him over the edge, hitting all the time and shouting at him. She threw him in to a cafe seat and was screaming in his face. I went up and told her to calm down and how would she like it if someone 4x her size treated her like that. She put both her hands on my chest and pushed me away telling me to F-Off. I found a member of staff and got them to call security. I was so shaken up by it. The manager then came and said she'd "keep an eye on them" - I wanted social services called! I just think if that's how she treats him in public... I know there is nothing more that I could have done, but I can't stop thinking about that poor little boy :( What else can you do though?

ImNotBloody14 · 29/07/2013 22:10

What you saw wasnt discipline!

WafflyVersatile · 29/07/2013 22:13

If you are seeing it more and more it's probably not that surprising. People are often dealing with a lot more stress just now with fewer jobs, lower pay, higher prices, lower benefits etc. If you already lash out under stress then it will happen more.

That said that is no way to treat a child. I hope it was a one-off end of her tether rare moment rather than her usual behaviour.

mrsjay · 29/07/2013 22:14

that isnt discipline that is a crabby arsed mother with no patience poor girl

WafflyVersatile · 29/07/2013 22:15

pukkapine If someone did that to an adult they'd be arrested for assault.

Maybe you should have called the police for her assault on you. Then the police could have passed on details to SS.

mrsjay · 29/07/2013 22:16

dd works in a supermarket the stories she tells me of parents screaming at children while at the tills shocks her, she said to me mum i always thought you were strict but these people are mental

morethanpotatoprints · 29/07/2013 22:16

Agree with others.
Discipline is positive and not necessarily even punishment.
This was abuse, and downright awful. Poor little thing.

pukkapine · 29/07/2013 22:19

that's what I keep thinking WafflyVersatile - that if an adult was treated like that it would be assault. I was so shocked (and trying to deal with my own 3 kids) that I flailed and didn't handle it well thinking the staff at Woburn would have a procedure and take over. I was wrong - about to email Woburn now to tell them to sort their procedures out. Can't get it off my mind.

deleted203 · 29/07/2013 22:21

That's not discipline. That's someone going nuts!

Are we allowed to be judgy about people who don't discipline their children in public, however?

I grit my teeth watching children behaving badly in public whilst the adults with them either watch with a fond smile or ignore them entirely.

mrsjay · 29/07/2013 22:21

TBH even though it was really harsh I think a lot of parents are very rough with their children sadly

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 29/07/2013 22:24

Sometimes there is a situation where you see a fragment of what's gone before. I have a situation where anyone of you would have judged (and I don't really give a shiney sh** TBH)

My DC are 13.6 and 11 now but this was maybe 3 years ago (so they were old enough to know better)
During school holidays we went out to the shops. They were both being niggly pains, annoying each other as children do. I make them walk either side of me to seperate them if they're being lairey. And they if they change sides, they go behind me, not cross in front of me.(Had years of tripping over toddlers and after two car accidents I don't think my back can stand much abuse)

DD went towards the door of a shop. DS (DC1) dived after her. Right in front of an elderly man with two crutches.
There was no time to say "Don't walk in front of that man" (and I don't think my DS even realised how immobile he was.
I grabbed him, and gave him one sharp slap on the rump.

IMO, I'd given DS umpteen warnings. He didn't listen.
I would far rather my DS had a single reprimand and a bit than this man fell.
When I got DS into a quiet corner I told him that if that man had fallen by accident, that would be bad enough.
If it was by a preventable act of stupidity by DS - that is unforgivable.

DS remembers this and I'm glad to say he doesn't behave like an idiot in public.

mrsjay · 29/07/2013 22:26

yes but 70s this woman went mad over a packet of crisps what you did was probably needed as your son was being an eejit

YouTheCat · 29/07/2013 22:27

It is shit parenting.

I saw excellent and well done parenting the other day. Kid (about 7/8) was playing up, mum got down to his level and said firmly he was to behave well or they would all go home (she had 2 other kids). There was no shouting and no drama and I only noticed because I was stood next to them.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 29/07/2013 22:38

Ohh yes my son was being a right 24 carat plank.

But those who say "If they do that outside, what are they like at home"?
TBH at home, I can 'ignore' alot. I can seperate them and make them cool down.
Thankfully they are older so more laid back.

Mine knew if I say "Yes" then it's "Yes2
"Maybe" always means Yes (according to them) "Have you brought the car"
"Maybe" (if it was 'no' I'd say 'no'. So 'maybe' was a bit teasing)
But if it was a 'No' . As in "I'm not buying toy/sweets/magazines" then I said before we went in the shop. So they knew not to ask.
"Maybe/ We'll see" is a yes but don't keep on about it.

CrabbyBigBottom · 29/07/2013 22:54

that isnt discipline that is a crabby arsed mother with no patience poor girl

MrsJay now what have I ever done to you??

WafflyVersatile · 29/07/2013 22:54

I see that as different. It was in the moment and trying to physically stop an accident. And the smack well we're not meant to smack but I don't see that as the end of the world and I reckon very few parents make it through never ever having smacked a child.

sonlypuppyfat · 29/07/2013 22:56

I've 3 DCs and when we go out they all want to speak to me they are a bit older 14 12 and 8, its like I'm the center of the universe they won't chat with each other its just mum mum mum all at once with 3 different voices my head spins sometimes! Sometimes its hard to talk to them calmly all the time you can't always have a reasoned debate with a child. I have a friend who refuses to spank her children everyone thinks she is a wonderful mum who can do no wrong but I've seen her get down to the childs level and scream in there faces I don't know which is worse

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