to ask why you do this?

[whyno]

When I was pregnant for the first time and struggling to sleep lots of people were lining up to tell me how much worse things would be once I'd actually had the baby. Then when I had a newborn people would tell me how much harder it would be once he was a toddler. Now I'm pregnant again and people are loving telling me how awful life is once you've got two.

I just don't get why people do this? It would literally be the last thing that would occur to me to say to someone who was finding things a bit hard. Also, I haven't often found it to be true. It's all hard, it's just different hard! Why the need to worry people - especially exhausted hormonal people? I'm genuinely curious - if you are one of the majority who say stuff like that, do you not think it's a bit unhelpful?

I wish someone had warned me how difficult it is looking after a baby. It feels like there's a conspiracy of silence and it just adds to making new mums feel like they aren't coping as well as they should.

People just say this kind of thing. I don't think people really mean anything by it. Sometimes it's almost in a 'god been there too' kind of way.

I don't know, but I agree with you. some people seem to love giving out bad news.

it's the same when something bad happens, they want all the gory details, but when something good happens, they can't get away quick enough

Could be trying to put things in perspective in a cackhanded way?

And they're kind of telling the truth, although I found it much easier when the DDs were born rather than being pregnant, you can put them down for a start.

It's just a conversational thing to say, I wouldn't set too much store by it.

I think people are usually trying to empathise or make things better although can seem tactless when you are bloody knackered.

I agree with you OP. I'm 22+2 with my first and it seems that there's a never-ending stream of people telling me how difficult it's going to be. I know already! My response now is just "that's a bit of a strange thing to say to a pregnant person."

I told a work colleague about to go on maternity leave that no matter how hard it got to remember that its normal.... guilty. I guess its a way of sharing experience and trying to warn people that it can be tough, having said that I guess truth is no one takes any notice and we all think we are going to cope with it all

I would never say anything like that to anyone.

But I also wish people had been more honest about what having a baby is like, both labour and looking after a baby. I had completely false expectations. I thought labour wouldn't hurt or I'd use pain relief if it did and then it wouldn't hurt. It was a terrible shock to me. I also found the first 6-8 months of my ds's life a complete nightmare and I was completely unprepared for that. I think I thought he'd be asleep most of the time. I felt a bit let down by things I'd been told or read because it didn't prepare me well for it.

Well, for what it's worth, it's really, really, really, annoying! And can be very upsetting for people who are already finding things tough. So please don't do it.

There's a difference between spending time trying to prepare someone you know well for what's to come (if that person has shown they have unrealistic expectations or has asked you). But I don't for a second believe that a quick throwaway comment is said to prepare someone! Sorry, I know I've just been really ranty - it's just a huge pet hate.

I'm pregnant with my third. I get such gloomy responses it feels like everyone is saying "don't be stupid, you won't cope"

It's too bloody late! And if you really don't think I cam cope maybe it would be nice to offer tips/practical help instead of making me feel like shit.

Ahem.

YANBU OP! And don't worry, I enjoy having two - they play together really well.

YANBU. I hate this attitude too. However, I met a brilliant friend with the exact opposite view, she said to me "it just keeps getting better, they get more and more interesting as they get older" and this was the experience I was lucky enough to have. It doesn't mean I haven't had problems or wanted to throw myself off a bridge occasionally, but on the whole I have found my DCs to just be more fun to be around the older they get. You will too, I'm sure of it.

My mother used to say all the doom and gloom stuff to me, but then she's a narcissist. So maybe there's your answer-only people with "issues" do this and take perverse pleasure from it!

Having said that, I am a strong believer in telling the truth about labour and giving birth, obviously from my point of view, and then only if I am asked!

No one, and I mean no one, told me how bloody hard it might be (it was!). Even my 2 best mates used to brush off my concerns when I read something particularly awful somewhere. I know now why they did it, each birth is different, they were trying to protect me blah blah, but I wish they had been frank with me.

There's always someone who had it worse than you (whether that be your bad childhood, your latest operation, your hard labour, your lack of money or whatever the problem that you are facing right now) and there's always someone who can't understand what on earth you are moaning about because nothing is ever that hard! Let it go over your head and get on with your own life. Most of the time they are talking for the sake of talking and haven't really considered the effect that it will have on the person listening. As for the people trying to prepare someone, seriously? If someone is pregnant, a simple "it can be hard but you will forget about it" comment about labour is normally enough. As for trying to point out that kids are hard work at all stages, yes, they can be, but different people find different stages more or less difficult. Personally, I found the whole school run with a 7 year old and 3 under 3's the hardest (so far ). But, you know what, I survived! - and more importantly - so did they!