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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be a bit miffed

20 replies

poshfrock · 29/07/2013 11:44

Ok so in May I got a text from DB asking if I could do him and SIL a favour. They wanted me and DH to babysit for them in August. The babysitting is all day on a Friday so he and his wife can attend a wedding. They are both teachers so are off work already. They live about 100 miles away. Usually SIL's parents would babysit in these circumstances as they live within minutes of them but they are away on holiday on this occasion. The text went on to invite me and DH to stay for the weekend and then said "if you and DH want to go out on Saturday night we will look after kids ( ie mine and Dh's kids) and shout you a meal."

DH and I both work FT Mon-Fri so doing this favour means using a day's annual leave and driving 200 miles round trip but I was happy to do it because they have never asked us before, we like to visit them at least once over the summer anyway and we were enticed by the idea of a night out.

Anyway, didn't hear anything more about it until I got a text from SIL last week asking if we wanted to come down on the Thursday and we could take all kids out for a day to local farm/park place. I said sorry, no holiday left, we would be coming down Thurs evening. She hadn't mentioned the rest of the weekend so I asked if we were OK to stay on Sat night. She said yes fine but no mention of babysitting or meal. Said that DB had already planned to take DN to pictures and we can tag along if we like. So feels like they hadn't planned on us staying which surprised me a bit.

In a later text she says if we want to go out for meal on Sat night they will babysit ( but no offer to pay). I ask for recommendations of places to eat locally and she goes to huge trouble to send me comprehensive list of local eateries ranked in order of budget and with comments about what she and DB think of them which I think is very kind. In each text she sends she has made a big point of thanking us for "saving the day" as otherwise they would not have been able to go to wedding.

This is all very lovely. I AM looking forward to seeing them and we all get on really well but AIBU to feel a bit miffed that offer of free dinner appears to have been surreptitiously withdrawn? We would have gone and babysat anyway - like I said they are family and they don't ask regularly and we had already planned to visit over the summer, but would have gone on a weekend and saved annual leave for other stuff ( like school carol service and harvest festival which I will have to miss now).

DB ( who made original offer) seems to have gone very quiet over all this and I am wondering if SIL even knew about offer of dinner. DH says it it typical of my family and that he never expected the free dinner would come to anything. He's probably right. So AIBU ?

OP posts:

maddy68 · 29/07/2013 11:53

He may cough up on the day. If not. Don't stress about it. I wouldn't expect my brother to pay for me. Yoy are babysitting for them on the Friday. They are baby sitting for you on the Saturday. That's what families do. I wouldn't have expected my brother to pay got a slap up meal and. Look after my kids tbh.

KirstyJC · 29/07/2013 12:00

I wouldn't expect local family to pay anything for me to babysit normally, but if you are both using up an annual leave day and driving 100 miles there and 100 miles back then frankly I think they should at least give you a meal out! Them going to the wedding is going to cost you 2 day's pay and petrol for 200 miles - I don't think looking after your kids for a couple of hours for one evening is going to cut it tbh.

I would speak directly (ie not text) to your DB and ask 'Oi what about the free meal you promised us' but then I am rather, um, blunt. Do you have that sort of relationship with your DB? I assume you wouldn't be ordering lobster at the Ritz so can't see that them trumping up about £40 or so it too much to ask them. (You would probably have spent that on petrol alone!)

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 29/07/2013 12:04

If you couldn't raise it with SIL ring your DB. Ask point blank about the meal. The original idea was to thank you for the effort of getting them out of a hole and 200 mile round trip and time off work. I don't think it's unreasonable to query it.

If you want to see each other do they ever make the trip to your home town? It's nice to do favours for family but sounds a bit one-way especially if DH's comment is anyhing to go by.

countrymummy13 · 29/07/2013 12:07

Unless your SIL has history of being a bit of a mare then I would give her the benefit of the doubt and assume DB didn't mention his offer to her (and is probably hoping you'll forget it).

Either way, there's no point stressing about it now. You've commited to the weekend so just try your best to get on with it and enjoy it. You don't want to start the weekend in a huff having wound yourself all week.

Just bear in mind DBs utter unreliability next time.

AnnabelleLee · 29/07/2013 12:08

Sounds like he said something ages ago, forgot about it, and she never knew.
Why no pick up the phone instead of sms'ing, and tell her his offer. They sound perfectly nice and reasonable. YABU to be miffed without actually talking to anyone about it.

countrymummy13 · 29/07/2013 12:12

I agree with Maddy68.

Yes, you're taking time off and a long drive to help them but then you're getting to see family for the weekend. And hopefully DB & SIL will go to some effort to put you all up and the kids will all have a nice time together.

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes · 29/07/2013 12:12

what have you done with the rest of your leave to have run out completely already? what about xmas. if you weren't going out for a meal would they have fed you? stay in for food and go out for a drink after dinner?

ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 29/07/2013 12:15

What about replying thanks for the list and it was so kind of X to say he'd shout us a meal and look after the kids in return for us coming down to babysit, we're really looking forward to it. We like the look of X and Y restaurants. do we need to book in advance or just go on the night?

Since they offered and have not withdrawn the offer, there is nothing wrong with acting as though you believe the offer stands, is there?

EvieanneVolvic · 29/07/2013 12:16

Stepaway they may not have actually taken it yet but it could be accounted for. Or their leave year might end in August. Details details .

Don't sweat the small stuff OP: either forget it so that if he does stump up on the night it will be a nice surprise, or do as Kirsty suggests. Whatever you do, don't turn it into a thing. It sounds like you all get on well and I am sure it will even out in the end.

EvieanneVolvic · 29/07/2013 12:17

Hecsy's suggestion is good too!

StuntGirl · 29/07/2013 12:20

Not everyone's holiday year runs January - December. Mine was previously April - March and is now August - July.

WilsonFrickett · 29/07/2013 12:32

Yep, I would go for an assumptive close:

Restaurant A looks lovely, I've checked online and it looks like it will be around £40 for the two of us, just checking that's alright as we don't want to take the piss, ha ha. Really looking forward to seeing you all.

And when she texts back in a puzzled format say:

Oh God, did DB not tell you he'd offered to pay for dinner? That's so typical of him, will give him a slap when I see him.

Original poster

poshfrock · 29/07/2013 12:35

Stepaway

I get 20 days per year:

4 - Easter
9 - Summer holiday ( later in August)
3 - Xmas ( already booked)
2 - half term ( in Feb with DB)
1 - day off when DD was sick
1 - day to babysit for DB

SIL is lovely so I don't want to put her in awkward position if she knew nothing about it. DB has form for this type of thing.

maddy68 - I would never expect to be paid to babysit for family.Like I said we would have done it anyway. I just thought he was making a nice gesture in recognition of the fact that we were taking time off work and driving 200 miles so they can go on a jolly without their kids.
They do come and visit us but babysitting is less of an issue as DS is 14 and capable of looking after DD (10) for us if we want to go out for a couple of hours to eat.
countrymummy13 if we don't go out to eat then they will usually order a takeaway to which we always offer to contribute our share and they always accept.

OP posts:

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes · 29/07/2013 12:40

sorry I wasn't trying to be challenging, just curious I struggle with planning my leave as I am paranoid about having some days free for emergency visits oop north to see family. Op is clearly much better at planning than me. still think you should stay in and eat, don't offer a contribution and say thanks. if its queried say 'oh sorry thought DB offered to pay as a thank you'

Fakebook · 29/07/2013 13:04

I would never have expected my db to pay for a meal even if he had offered. Can you afford to pay yourself? You could get a groupon voucher or something beforehand if you can't. You're both babysitting each others children for a night, that in itself is a big deal IMO. Just let it go and I wouldn't ask.

Original poster

poshfrock · 29/07/2013 13:21

Not really Fakebook. We're already about £40 down because of the fuel costs to get there. And we're not babysitting each other's kids for a night- I will have his ( aged 8 and 18 months) from 8am till whenever they get back from the wedding ( midnight, 3 am ?). He would only have mine ( aged 14 and 10) for about 2 hours tops.

OP posts:

razmataz · 29/07/2013 13:23

Like others have suggested I would say something like the following:

"Thanks for the restaurant suggestions - love the look of x - and thanks so much again for treating us to the meal out, really looking forward to it!"

That way there is no awkward question, but if SIL queries it, you simply remind her (in a friendly way) about DB's offer. Problem solved!

Crinkle77 · 29/07/2013 13:29

Maybe they will pay on the day. perhaps as your brother already said they will treat you to a meal they don't feel the need to reiterate it again. As for them only having your kids for 2 hours who said you just have to go for the meal? Why can't you have a few drinks before or after. Surely they would not expect you to literally just go for the meal then come home

Helltotheno · 29/07/2013 13:34

In all honesty, if this involved you taking a day's leave, I'd probably have declined or otherwise said yes but only at your house (i.e. they'd bring the kids to you). I actually think it was BU of them to make the assumption that their going to a wedding justified you taking a full day's annual leave along with all the travel there and back etc. In their place, I wouldn't have dreamed of asking.

That's why I only ever do favours I can do easily, and don't have any expectation of anything back, but hope in an emergency, I could count on support... which is why I think now that the horse has bolted, don't bother with the money thing, just tell them that you expect hope they can return that favour to you some day, because you never know, you might need exactly the same thing.

Fakebook · 29/07/2013 13:37

Sorry I got the impression they were looking after your children for an evening. Well, you don't have to go for a meal do you? It was nice of him to offer, but they've either forgotten or withdrawn the offer now. You can still get good offers with vouchers if you're intent on having a meal. Will they not be giving you dinner at home?

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