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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Or should he have invited future brother-in-law to stag do?

46 replies

Nombrechanger · 28/07/2013 22:06

My sisters fiancé had his stag do a couple of weeks ago and my husband is hurt that he wasn't invited. He wouldn't actually tell me in those exact words, but I can tell he is bothered by being left out.

We have been out together to dinner and got on well so it has not gone down too well that DH hasn't been invited as we will all be family in a week.

I would like to say something to my sister - i know it sounds petty but i think i should say something. AIBU?

OP posts:

zatyaballerina · 29/07/2013 00:12

Ten is just friends, your husband is not his friend.

maninawomansworld · 29/07/2013 16:28

Unless they're quite pally normally then I don't think it's that odd.
Unless they socialise together outside of family gatherings then I don't see why he's hurt.

TheCatIsUpTheDuff · 29/07/2013 16:29

I invited BIL's partner to my hen - we live near to each other and see each other often although I'd very much consider her to be family rather than a friend. She was touched to be invited, but I think she felt obliged to come as much as I felt obliged to invite her.

DH didn't invite my DB or BILs to his stag. They live miles away and don't have any independent relationship at all, although they get on fine when they do see each other.

It would have been nice for your DH to be invited, but I don't think BIL did anything wrong in not doing so, if they don't have a relationship other than through you/your sister.

HatieKokpins · 29/07/2013 16:30

Ten is a very small do. You and your DH ABU.

Justforlaughs · 29/07/2013 16:34

I didn't even go to my sisters hen do and we ARE very close. She was with her friends, who all knew each other and I can't imagine what I would have done. (I'm older than her). Don't make it out into being more important than it is.

Eyesunderarock · 29/07/2013 16:41

Stag and hen dos are not polite social gatherings, they are wild extravaganzas with close friends. I think you have misunderstood their purpose and function.
YABBU

chirpchirp · 29/07/2013 16:41

10 people is a small stag do.

I didn't invite my sort of SIL on my hen as we weren't friends. Didn't stop DH's brother phoning me up on the morning of my hen to ask why his girlfriend hadn't been invited and didn't I think I should be making more of an effort! I pointed out that there were six people including me coming on my hen night. Six people who had known each other for close to two decades and no I bloody didn't!!!

NatashaBee · 29/07/2013 16:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Viviennemary · 29/07/2013 16:49

If they were friends then he should have been invited. But if not then I don't think it was rude of them not to invite him. If they hardly knew each other then I understand why they didn't think to invite him. I wouldn't say anything to your sister as she probably hadn't an idea that he expected to be invited. It's different if somebody gets missed out who should have been asked.

Cakebaby2012 · 29/07/2013 16:50

YANBU in my opinion but i suppose it depends on the family dynamic to an extent. I'm from a quite close family and we would tend to invite family members to events like this. My DH has just spent the weekend at my cousin's stag along with other realtives and it makes me happy that he's included in things like that. Having said that I don't think you should say anything to your sister because she's getting married and probably has enough stress to deal with as it is.

meganorks · 29/07/2013 17:06

I think stag and hen do's are for just your close friends and possibly family who you would socialise with on a big night out and you shouldn't just invite people to be polite. Not expecting my dp to ask my brother and in fact I doubt he will ask his own - they just don't have that type of relationship. Similarly, if I have a hen do I wouldn't invite my sil or sister.

DTisMYdoctor · 29/07/2013 18:15

My sister's fiancé hasn't invited DH to his stag do - DH isn't bothered at all. They've been together quite a while but DH has never socialised with him outside family gatherings. My dad is going I think, but he does socialise with him.

I didn't invite DH's sister on my hen do - it was just a small affair.

FredFredGeorge · 29/07/2013 18:27

YABU it's bloody odd to invite a near stranger to your stag do, simply because they are going to be "family".

cory · 29/07/2013 18:30

stag dos and hen dos are surely about saying goodbye to your bachelor/spinster days in the company of the people you have shared them with

the party which is about getting together with the new family is called a wedding

TheDoctrineOfAllan · 29/07/2013 18:48

I didn't invite my SILs to mine - they are for friends.

My bridesmaid had an everyone welcome hen do with her mum, MIL etc - then the relatives left after dinner and friends went on to drink.

So I think it's just people seeing it differently, OP - did your DH invite your sister's partner at the time to his?

Whocansay · 29/07/2013 20:26

It didn't occur to me to invite my sisters to my hen do, let alone my SIL! If you make a thing of this to your sister, your dh will end up a laughing stock. He's behaving like a baby and no good can come from drawing attention to the fact.

Tell your dh to get over himself. It's not about him.

YABU.

Caboodle · 29/07/2013 20:36

I came on here to say YANBU, you will all soon be family after all...but, after reading other responses, I'm thinking I have a very different view to most other people.
10 is a small stag but I still think your DH should have been invited.
That said, do not say anything.....wrong time, and wouldn't achieve anything positive anyway.
Maybe your DH can ask future BiL out for drinks at a later (less busy) time?

AaDB · 29/07/2013 20:44

I agree with your husband. You have been out and get on well. I think it's bad form that he wasn't invited. That said I would let it go.

Patchouli · 29/07/2013 20:55

Deleted my reply when I read cory's

^What cory said

Mia4 · 29/07/2013 21:23

Sorry OP, i have to agree with the majority - it sounds like it's a close friends thing. The stag could have invited your DH but what if he'd said yes?

It's great if your DH is outgoing and gregarious and will chat to anyone and go along with all the fun but if not...They're either stuck essentially 'babysitting' all of the do because they don't know your DH or your DH is stuck trying to socialise with strangers who are swapping intimate stories and jokes, and trying not to show he's uncomfortable. Or even both.

Sounds safer not to invite him to be honest, for both of them.

I think it would be petty to say something to someone who had nothing to do with the stag do and is probably stressed about getting married shortly. Not the best way to start off being family, the better way would be for your DH and the stag to get to know each other more after the wedding and have fun them.

hothereinnit · 29/07/2013 21:29

I didn't invite any of my SIL (either my BILs' wives, or my brothers' wives) to my hen do.

I get on fine with most of them, but it didn't occur to me to do so.

Come to think of it, I didn't invite my BILs either (had a very informal 'everyone down the pub' type hen do, with both male and female friends as had loads of friends/couples who had travelled quite a long way to attend wedding) but I did invite my brothers (one came, without SIL, and I don't think it bothered her that she wasn't invited/didn't come)

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