...to think it's not such a big deal that DH has had the snip?

[HowlerMonkey]

We've got 2 DC and are pretty confident we don't want anymore, so he's just had it done. Yet when I mention it to people (family/friends) they seem horrified. And it's not just because I am daring to discuss it!

Our reasoning follows thusly:

1. We don't want any more kids, so a long-term no-fertilisation solution is required.
   
2. Our choices seem to be: a) no sex ever ugh b) condoms every time c) I stay on hormonal contraception for 15-20 years d) I get tubal ligation e) he gets the snip.
   
3. Of all those options, the snip seems to be the least risky and most effective.
   
   So what's the problem with these people?!
   
   If it upsets you too, please come and explain to me why. If you've been in my position, please tell me your best ripostes

[chipmonkey]

I have never heard anyone on our thread refer to their rainbow baby as a replacement. You couldn't replace any child with another. And I'm sure your parents don't think of your sister as a replacement for your brother. I hope she's glad she's here, whatever the reason she came into being and I 'm sure she knows she's loved regardless.

[expatinscotland]

IIRC, it is Howler who saw her sister as a replacement for her lost brother.

[chipmonkey]

And told her so! I'm sure I said some awful things to my sisters too but they survived their childhood nonetheless.

I am sorry. A child dying is rare and it is so unlikely to happen that maybe people shouldn't really have it at the back of their minds in any decision. I think because it happened to us, I have really no faith left that bad things won't happen to people. I feel like all my children could die, my dh could run off with an OW, my house might get terrible subsidence and sink into the ground, I will lose my job, dh will lose his job, all sorts of shit could happen and how can you possibly prepare for the worst in every single scenario?

We weren't done. dd was my youngest. I had intended to breastfeed her for another two years, then my bfing days would be over, she was to be at home with me when ds4 went to school. People asked me if I was relieved to have "my youngest" in primary school, so I would have some time to myself. I had to point out that no, I wasn't relieved, that he wasn't my youngest and that I'd rather have my youngest back than all the free time in the world. If it had been her going to primary, I might have been relieved to get the free time. I suppose it depends where you are in the family scheme of things. Our family was complete. Now it's been decimated.

[thebody]

oh chip, heartbreaking xxx

[HowlerMonkey]

I'm so sorry chip, I can't imagine the pain. One small part I do understand is that you subconsciously expect things like that to happen again. My brother died when I was 6 and I do look at my boys in full awareness that they could very easily be taken away from me. It's not a pleasant thought but it is alway, always there. Ditto things like family/friends randomly dying - your world can fall apart anytime, anyhow, and I've felt that since I was six.

In our family I doubt my parents thought of my noisy, extroverted sister as a replacement for my quiet, sweet little brother. I do wonder how it would have been different were she a boy though.

Anyway, this isn't really pertinent to vasectomies I suppose. Although maybe one of the reasons people get so uncomfortable with the idea is the finality of it all and the impossibility of having more children should you lose the ones you have. I hadn't really considered that before.

[expatinscotland]

She may have been very young when she told her sister that, though, chip.

The difference might be that, when someone goes to be sterilised voluntarily, they feel done having children.

We did. So even though we lost a child, we still did not want to have another.

[expatinscotland]

My daughter was 6 when her sister died, Howler. Her sister was 9. We have a son who is now 4 but was 3 when his sister died.

[doublecakeplease]

Swallowing - grow the fuck up. If someone's parents want to help look after the kids then why shouldn't they?? How rude and jealous sounding!

[DupontetDupond]

Some heartbreaking stuff on here. My thoughts go out to all who have lost darlling DC.

Regarding the OP, YANBU. Our family (we feel) is complete, and with me and DW in early 40's, getting the snip was best for us, especially after her being on the pill for last 20 years (least I could do, plus I haaaate condoms).

For others, I think it's entirely up to you and your relationship/age/circumstances. But the judgy "couldn't make him do that" ones are just sucking on (seedless) lemons

[TheFuzz]

I was quite happy to get mine done - only decision for me was how long off a sport I do..

Down side is my recommending GP and the GP performing the surgery never mentioned risks.

I was happy for up to a month of discomfort, had an infection, heamatomas, swelling, A&E visit, the lot.

I was not prepared for the PVPS and the damage caused by a burst blood vessel.

1 in 10 men get these issues. It will come as a shock to both of you and will ruin your sex life.

At least I fire blanks now !

[Capitola]

I would say at least 80% of our male friends has had the snip, as my husband has. No big deal.

[TheFuzz]

I know a few fellas that have been done. Biggest issues have been lack of effective pain relief through the procedure - I was fortunate that the first half was pain free, and it was a bit late by ball two. One other friend, the pain relief didn't work, and it's been 15 months before he got the all clear.

To treat my PVPS, the most effective solution is a reversal, but you can't get these on the NHS, even for PVPS - it's about 70% successful in treating PVPS. Cost of reversal is about £5k. I doubt it would work on my bad side as the GP made a complete mess - my tube work is painful and swollen even above the epididymis.

My only option is surgery to remove the epididymis. Only one can be done at a time due to risks of losing a plumb, and it's see how the first goes, then we will have a go at the second IF it works.

It is an effective contraceptive solution and I'd only banked on a few days off, took a couple of days off work, then would be back in work after weekend. No chance, was off for 3 weeks and had to let everyone know.

Got looks of 'soft arse' from many women colleagues (who had kids), but they are backtracking now given I've had almost 12 months of severe pain.

There are a few mners on here who know or have had partners who have had some bad experiences. Please bear it in mind if the surgery does go wrong. It's just not funny for either of you. It's a poorly researched 'condition'.

[theynevershutup]

My DH is going to get it done. Not because of pressure frim me but we have 2 DCs are early 40s, both definitely dont want any more. I came off the pill after being on it for years & getting bad headaches. Cant have mirena coil or mini pill as have bad skin & Dr advised against it as progesterone can irritate condition. Dont fancy copper coil as alreadt have heavyish periods. So use condoms which arent great.

So other option is snip. Loads of my friends husbands have had it done, I think as we are both so sure we dont want anymore children regardless of if we split up, its not actually a big deal. Its got to be whats right for you as a couple.

[TheFuzz]

Oh and despite my father having had no problems after the snip, the problems I've had have put off the three younger blokes in my family - they won't go through with it knowing the risks are 1 in 10. None of them knew about it, neither did I nor my father.

Shame on the NHS and GP's for covering this crap up. I'm sure many of the posters on these 7 pagse don't know the risks either.

I've had a 'review' on NHS choises taken down about the surgery that performed my surgery. I basically complained that the GP did not explain the risks, and when questioned by me denied anyone had had any problems. When asking him about 'what happens IF I do get this' I was bluntly told 'speak to your Urologist'. I didn't have a Urologist. The practice complained that the vasectomy was a seperate activity and just used the minor surgery room. This is a lie as the GP is a main partner at the surgery, and it was in his room the surgery was performed. These are the total lies you will deal with.

I've contacted NHS choices to explain who did the surgery, so they may put it back. I also explained that you won't get treated with respect. Part way through the surgery, another GP burst into the room, whilst I was there bottom half out, and my pipes sticking out of my body. She just went 'oh' and went outside !

Only will your Urologist tell you the truth. It's too late then.

[havingamadmoment]

People go on and on about this to me. We have 5 dc, I have a mirena. Family keep saying "Dh should get the snip" going on and on about how we dont want any more about how its his "turn".

The point is though he had traumatic surgery (serious injury) on that area a number of years ago and even though he has said he WOULD I know the thought brings back so many bad memories I would NEVER want to put him through it.

Also we are 29 and who is to say in 10 years we wont say "hey what about number 6?".

[StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes]

dh thinks its the best thing he ever did. losing children is the worst thing that can happen to a parent but you can lose them at any age. my ds's are older now so even if dh was not snipped I doubt I could have any more so if something happened now god forbid I would not have an option of a 'replacement' so to speak.

[TheFuzz]

As for more kids etc. Got two, won't be having any more should anything happen. Starting a young family in my mid 40's or older is not an idea I fancy. Done enough of that in my 30's.

[catpark]

Dh is getting the snip soon, for us it was the best decision.

Pill and pregnancy hormones disrupt the medication i'm now on, it stops it bonding to my blood and getting to my organs. Without my medication I would die. I don't react well to general anaesthetic so sterilisation is out as I would need one to do it.

I did try a low dose pill and I felt really ill, after DH saw the state I ended up in he went to see his GP about getting the snip. It means we can continue having a sex life without the worry. He is doing it to protect me.

[AnnieLobeseder]

Everyone's situation is different, and if you and your DH/DP decide that long-term sterilisation isn't for you, that's fine. Don't do it then. But why express any horror or surprise or disapproval when someone else decides differently to you?

I'm always slightly puzzled by the general assumption, which seems very prevalent in the UK, that you need to procreate with every long-ish term partner you have. Why is that?

And I have to say, the whole idea behind "but what if you split and he wants to have a child with his new partner?" always seems to have undertones of "well, he doesn't want any more children but his new partner might talk him into it, and it would be unfair to deprive another woman of motherhood".

Perhaps I'm off the mark. But why on earth can't we trust that men know what they're doing and allow them control over their own fertility without any shock or horror or "but what if" or worrying about some hypothetical future wife/partner?

[expatinscotland]

You are not alone in your thinking, Annie, I feel the same.

[AnnieLobeseder]

Yeah, I saw you'd posted similar upthread after I posted mine... there's me not reading everything properly again!!!

[GoshAnneGorilla]

Annie - quite. How many children do most people want anyway? 2-3 is generally enough for most people, so why do you need to have more just because a new partner is on the scene? Especially when considering a lot of the drama that comes with second families.

[AnnieLobeseder]

Miaow - like I said in my post, I think the discrepancy we get isn't really about thinking men might need to have more children, but that their new partner might want children and need him to provide the sperm.

It's a weird kind of thinking - that all women have the absolute right to be mothers and all men must be able to provide the sperm if they so desire. If a woman finds a new partner and he's been sterilised, either deal with it or break up before it gets serious - no-one is obligated to impregnate you.

It really all comes back to the idea that children are primarily the domain of women, and men are just there to create them. Men apparently are allowed to have babies with every partner because it doesn't matter if they have lots. While women should be responsible and prevent themselves from having more children than they can deal with.

There are endless threads about women who have had children with men who have multiple children, all with different women, and don't provide for any of them adequately. Yet it's the women who are blamed for letting these men get them pregnant, and a collective gasp of horror is issued (as the OP has experienced) if a man actually takes responsibility and makes sure he doesn't leave a trail of babies behind him.

[SelectAUserName]

My DH had the snip when I was comparatively young - late 20s maybe? He is much older and had teenage children from his first marriage when we met. He was adamant that for a number of reasons, including serious health issues, he didn't want more children which was fine by me as I have never wanted them. I spent the first few years we were together on the Pill until I started to develop vascular migraine which was a contra-indication so we had to consider our other options. I can't remember how the subject of him having a vasectomy was first raised, but I think it was initially his suggestion. I would have happily considered sterilisation but at the age I was at then with no biological children, my GP refused to refer me.

I'm now in my 40s, still with him, still perfectly happy with my stepchildren, have no regrets about not having given birth and am grateful to him for sparing me the hassle of having to think about contraception.

Ironically, given that he had been in a serious relationship before me, the one thing we didn't discuss was the prospect of either of us wanting children from a future relationship, partly and most importantly I think because we were both 100% certain we didn't want children (or more children, in his case) and partly because we were both equally convinced that our relationship would last. Actuarially speaking, I am likely to be a comparatively young-ish widow given the age gap and his health problems (although it goes without saying I hope that doesn't become the case!) but the thought of some hypothetical future relationship didn't enter into the equation when we made the decision about our joint fertility based on our situation at that time.