...to think it's not such a big deal that DH has had the snip?

[HowlerMonkey]

We've got 2 DC and are pretty confident we don't want anymore, so he's just had it done. Yet when I mention it to people (family/friends) they seem horrified. And it's not just because I am daring to discuss it!

Our reasoning follows thusly:

1. We don't want any more kids, so a long-term no-fertilisation solution is required.
   
2. Our choices seem to be: a) no sex ever ugh b) condoms every time c) I stay on hormonal contraception for 15-20 years d) I get tubal ligation e) he gets the snip.
   
3. Of all those options, the snip seems to be the least risky and most effective.
   
   So what's the problem with these people?!
   
   If it upsets you too, please come and explain to me why. If you've been in my position, please tell me your best ripostes

[nooka]

MrsKoala the research shows that being pregnant/breastfeeding offers some protection against breast cancer. There are studies that suggest long term use of oral contraceptives are associated with higher rates of breast cancer, but it's thought that the association only holds for older style pills (higher levels of hormones). It's protective for ovarian cancer though.

[expatinscotland]

I lost a child, too, but felt too old to have another. Over a year on, I still don't want another. It is not a given everyone will want a rainbow baby.

[MrsKoala]

aaah cheers nooka, i thought it was something.

[ShadowMeltingInTheSun]

Sorry for your loss chipmonkey.

I'm surprised that so many people are shocked by men having vasectomies. I work in a mostly male sector, and plenty of men at work have mentioned that they've had vasectomies when their families were complete - I may have been jumping to conclusions here, but I'd assumed that it was fairly common and unremarkable for men to do this.

None of them have made any mention of their wives "making" them get the snip either. In fact one of the rantiest men talking about it was complaining because his doctor had apparently told him that he couldn't get a vasectomy unless his wife gave her permission.

Fully agree that given the finality of the operation it's something that needs a lot of thought in advance though, and I think it's unfair to judge men who don't want to go for such a final option to birth control as selfish.

[elinorbellowed]

We have always known, emotionally, logically, environmentally, financially that we would only have two children, even if we split up. Apart from the first year of our relationship I had been on the pill and therefore taking responsibility for about 8 years. I wanted to get back to a more natural cycle. (I also lost a lot of weight.) So I said it was his turn and he chose the snip over condoms. That decision made me love and respect him more.
My mother was horrified, because she thought it so final and she loves babies and thinks you should keep having them regardless of money. His parents had done the same, and his brother, except after 3 kids. No-one else really knows. I do have a friend whose MIL was horrified at the thought of her son getting the snip because "What if you divorce, he may want another family?" Hideous woman.

[MrsKoala]

No of course not expat. But as i said, the option would still be there if they did.

[VBisme]

DH had the snip when he was still with his ex wife. She then left him for another man.

I knew he'd had a vasectomy, but we thought that a reversal would be a fairly simple process.

It isn't, DH & I cannot have children together, because he made a decision thinking that he and his ex would be together forever, she had already started her new relationship.

Not that I'm suggesting that any of you would do that, but things happen, and perhaps a vasectomy is a bit final

[expatinscotland]

This whole idea that you need to procreate with every partner or spouse is very foreign to me, but I'm from a country where parents are held financially responsible for their children, the welfare state is quite limited, and people often limit their families for this reason. Sterilisation is quite common and people find it sensible.

[chipmonkey]

I know, expat, but just from observation, most of the bereaved Mums on our thread, have had another child if they could. Of course it's not a certainty that you would want another but from what I have seen, a lot of people who would have considered their families complete when their dc died, do seem to go on to have another baby. I think it's more the norm than not IYKWIM.

If dd had been born fullterm by planned CS I would have had a tubal ligation. That was the plan. And if she had died then, I would be regretting that tubal ligation. As it happens, the hysterectomy had to happen or I would have died too so there's nothing to regret as such but I do wish it hadn't had to happen that way.

I also do know someone who had a vasectomy while with his first wife. They divorced, she has a baby with her new dp, he has lost a couple of girlfriends because although I think he had it reversed, it wasn't successful and they wanted dc's.

It's just so final and you never know what's coming down the line. That life-partner might not end up being a partner for life, you are not guaranteed to keep your children for ever. And if the shit hits the fan, you don't know how you'll feel.

[CheeseFondueRocks]

This whole idea that you need to procreate with every partner or spouse is very foreign to me, but I'm from a country where parents are held financially responsible for their children, the welfare state is quite limited, and people often limit their families for this reason. Sterilisation is quite common and people find it sensible.

I agree with every word of this! I wouldn't want DH to have any more children with someone else if we split. I openly admit that. I think it would be financially irresponsible. Any new partner would have to live with the fact that he has had his family and that is that.

[VBisme]

Wow expat - that's cold.

I can easily afford to support at least 2 more children (on top of DHs 2), but I don't have that option.

I am not a mum to my step-children, they already have a mum, and it hurts that I won't ever get the opportunity to be a mum.

[chipmonkey]

Having more children does not necessarily mean depending on welfare. We have never depended on welfare and I hope we never have to. And if dh skips off with another woman, he willl be paying for his kids still if I have anything to do with it! I hope he doesn't skip off with another woman but at this stage, I'm fecked if I'm going to be confident about that!

[expatinscotland]

How is it cold? If you know someone has had the snip, then you know they are sterile and can make a choice not to become further involved with them.

Chip, I think we know so many who had more children because they were young enough to. I go on another board where this was not an option for the bereaved parent(s) due tomore advanced age.

I think as long as people make a decision knowing circumstances can change, and they did for us when DD1 died, then fair play to them.

[VBisme]

Thanks Maryz, I do find it difficult to be objective in relation to this discussion because of my situation.

I would still always suggest that a vasectomy (or similar in a woman), would be too final, no-one can forsee the future.

[amothersplaceisinthewrong]

I opted to be "snipped" twenty odd years ago after my second child because my husband just said he did not want anyone messing "down there".... . Neither of us wanted any more children, and given that I got pregnant at the first month of trying each time, I wanted to rule out a condom accident in the remaining 20 or so years of my fertility.

I can honestly say it was the best decision I ever made. Yes, it is more risky than a male snip, but given my DH would not go there, I decided I would. We have enjoyed lots and lots of hassle free worry free sex....

[ifyourehoppyandyouknowit]

I don't make any other decisions based on the idea that DH and I might split up, so why would this be different?

[nooka]

Sterilization is a very final solution, and should be considered as such. I also think it is important to make the decision both as a couple and individually. So you need to be sure that you are 100% OK with the idea of not having any more children under pretty much any circumstance.

For us balancing hassle free worry free sex vs 20 odd years of worrying about pregnancy was very simple, even knowing that if we did want to try for another at any point we could.

But neither of us enjoyed the baby years and both felt very much that we never wanted to go through them again. The only thing I worried about was if we needed a genetic match for one of our children (my cousin died of leukemia at 4 and I'm on the bone marrow donor list) but it wasn't really a factor in the end.

I'm also really uncomfortable with the idea that men should be 'keeping their options open' for family number two just in case family number one doesn't work out. It seems a bit disposable to me to be thinking that way when you have your actual here and now children in front of you.

[thebody]

we have 4 and dh had the snip. can't afford anymore and feel complete.

however am amazed this is an issue as all of our male friends, bar one younger one,have been 'done'.

it's your business anyway not anyone else's is it?

[ReadytoOrderSir]

Following two DCs with complications and an unexpected third pregnancy caused by contraceptive pill failure (I had a termination because the risk of further complications was too high), my DH was only too happy to have the snip. He felt that I'd done my bit and more, so it was only fair for him to take his turn.

It's no-one's business but ours.

[HowlerMonkey]

I'm sorry for your loss chipmonkey

I understand the reservations about wanting to have another child should anything happen to your DC; my little brother died when we were kids and my parents had my sister as a direct consequence. I had never heard the phrase 'rainbow baby' until just now.

At the risk of sounding horribly cold, though, I'm not sure it is always the best move. I heard my mother say 'well we didn't want Howler to be an only child' when discussing her pregnancy with a friend, and after that I always thought of my sister as the replacement baby (I was 7). I think I may have actually said it to her once and I'm sure she knows that's why she was born. I don't think my dad particularly wanted another so quickly and her birth properly divided our family. It's healed up somewhat now, but still.

I think I understand the urge to have another when something as horrific as that has happened to you, but I'm not sure it would be an option we'd choose. Hence, the snip is still a good choice for us it had better bloody be, bit late now

[expatinscotland]

We lost a child, Howler, DH had had the snip and we had no desire for another child. Still don't. It's not a given and if you feel that it is the right choice for you, even if your child or children die, then go for it.