...to think it's not such a big deal that DH has had the snip?

[HowlerMonkey]

We've got 2 DC and are pretty confident we don't want anymore, so he's just had it done. Yet when I mention it to people (family/friends) they seem horrified. And it's not just because I am daring to discuss it!

Our reasoning follows thusly:

1. We don't want any more kids, so a long-term no-fertilisation solution is required.
   
2. Our choices seem to be: a) no sex ever ugh b) condoms every time c) I stay on hormonal contraception for 15-20 years d) I get tubal ligation e) he gets the snip.
   
3. Of all those options, the snip seems to be the least risky and most effective.
   
   So what's the problem with these people?!
   
   If it upsets you too, please come and explain to me why. If you've been in my position, please tell me your best ripostes

[MairyHoles]

Several of my friends were shocked when my partner had a vasectomy, my gran actually told me I shouldn't have made him do it. I didn't! After our 3rd child, who was born by c section after 2 third degree tears, he drove himself to the doctor and requested it. I did make sure it was what he wanted and he didn't do it for me, everyone seemed to think that I was the driving force behind it and couldn't comprehend that HE wanted it. I was quite surprised that they asked him to confirm that he had discussed it with me before they did the procedure, they're his bollocks not mine!

[ubik]

I wonder if some men have it done without telling their partners!

[2rebecca]

I think if it's the bloke's idea and he's keen on it that's fine. Too many women emotionally blackmail their husbands into vasectomies though, as can be seen by the comment on a woman "making" her partner have a vasectomy. You get threads on here where women are trying to manipulate their husband into having a surgical operation with an "it's his turn" mentality.
That to me is very wrong. If the bloke is reluctant then don't push it. It's an irreversible operation, there are plenty of alternatives.

[BoffinMum]

Can you really trust vasectomies?

[MrsKoala]

Well each to their own i suppose, but i find the idea dreadful. I am genuinely shocked that anyone, man or woman, would have this done. Unless every single form of contraception is no good i just don't see the point of having an invasive operation for no reason. I also am a never say never person. You may say you don't want more dc, but why not keep your options open?

My old boss told me he DH had it done. He was 26 and they had 2 dc. It is possible he may want more in 10 years, with someone else maybe. She told me she had pushed for it because even if they split up SHE wouldn't want him to have dc with anyone else. nice.

DH has suggested he have it done but i would be really upset if he did. I cannot comprehend choosing anything so final.

[SanityClause]

Women "make" their partners have vasectomies? What? Force them at gunpoint?

Actually, some men choose to take control of their own fertility in this way, if they feel they don't want any or any more children.

Obviously some men make the decision rashly. But, they can say "no" if they don't want to do it. Blaming their partner for making them do it? These are adults, we're talking about, surely?

[deakymom]

my husband had the snip while i was pregnant with my third we decided that no matter the outcome we don't want any-more kids personally he sometimes says he regrets the kids we have he apologises after but i still say its a good thing he got done as he would never cope with another baby even if it was with someone else

[GoshAnneGorilla]

Where are all these mean, pushy women making their men have vasectomies? What is wrong with couples viewing fertility as a joint decision?

Whenever you mention vasectomies on here, you always get a bunch of pearl-clutchers going on about manipulative women, I don't know why.

My dad had one, he is no one's idea of a New Man.

My BiL is about to have one, he's knocking 40 and has four children, including one with special needs, so he's feels that is quite enough children for him.

[SquinkiesRule]

Why no sympathy SquinkiesRule?
Do you not like him very much?
I actually love him very much, we've been married for 28 years next month.
It was his decision to do it, I said wait as I needed the help with a new born and c-section and living 5000 miles from any family help. But he was adamant it needed doing right then, not delaying. So I told him he's on his own. So he went and saw to it and I had to look after kids and cook and do laundry (nothing was cleaned unless it had to be) He set me back weeks, I went back to full on bleeding at 6 weeks.
He does listen to me a bit more now days though.

[lightshow]

I wouldn't want DH to have the snip even though we have definitely completed our family, the reason being that my DSis married a man who'd had it before they met. He'd 'completed' his family after two dc, got divorced and now DSis is quite anxious as they're now on the list for a reversal but it doesn't always work. It might have been the right thing for him at the time but so many relationships change (and there are other things that could happen like being widowed or dc dying) which might mean you, or a new partner could want to ttc again. I wouldn't want to close those doors to DH (much as I hate the idea of him ever being with another woman, either after us splitting or if I died!) I have the implant instead, low dose of hormone so not problematic and actually more statistically reliable than the snip or sterilisation!

[McPie]

Dh had his done 1 1/2 years ago and to be honest it wasn't a huge deal. We are a commited couple and we agreed together that we wanted no more dc together as ds1 and dd and ds2 were more than enough for us (dd and ds2 are twins so whats the betting I would have triplets?). We couldnt care less what others think about our choice and we stand by it as the right thing for us.

[MrsKoala]

For the record, every man i know who has had it has 100% wanted it and it has been decided as a couple.

The only motive i know of other than convenient contraception after the completion of her family was from my boss. However, he also wanted it and their main aim was contraception - the not wanting him to have any kinds with anyone else was just mentioned as a bonus. But still unpleasant i thought.

[neunundneunzigluftballons]

I actually think it is ok for a married couple to think that your marriage is going to work out and make decisions as a couple on that basis. All this planning for life after me or dh does not sit well so I am being optimistic/hopeful that things will work out. We are both finished having children and we took a joint decision that a vascetomy is the best option for our future contraception. We do not believe that it is necessary for us to have children with future partners if circumstances dictate I know a number of people in second relationships with no children in that relationship who are happy but that said we are mid 30s so if we were younger we might have made a different decision.

[AlbertoFrog]

Ds was a (lovely) surprise. I was 39 and DH 47. Afterwards we both agreed that he would get a vasectomy as I didn't wish to go back on the pill. Consultant agreed that this was the most sensible decision.

Apart from us 3 and the hospital staff I don't think anyone knows.

Don't understand the issue to be honest.

[Beveridge]

You can check if male sterilisation has worked in a way that you can't with female sterilisation. That clinched it for me when I discussed it with our gp...

Not that DH has had it done yet, he wants to but I don't feel I'm 'there' yet.

[AnnieLobeseder]

I find some of the responses on this thread very weird, and sadly these are probably the kinds of attitudes that the people the OP has encountered has.

WTAF should a women continue to pump herself full of hormones for another 10-15 years after her family is complete? The "other methods are available" mentality seems crazy to me, when these "other methods" are all the woman's responsibility with potential detriment to her health.

Of course a man should never be pressured into having it done, but why on earth is it ever a bad idea when he's totally okay with the idea?

Both DH and I are very sure our family is complete, we'd be horrified about having another child so he happily agreed to being sterilised. If he hadn't been, I would have, and I still ponder getting it done just to be sure.

Like having a baby in the first place, getting sterilised when your relationship is rocky is a very bad idea, but if you're in a stable relationship, like the OP says, it's really not a big deal.

I'm frankly amazed that so many people find the idea weird or reckless.

[AnnieLobeseder]

PS - I wouldn't want any more children even if, god forbid, something happened to DH and I, and I'm pretty sure he feels the same way. If he remarried and his new wife wanted kids, then it would be her pressuring him to do so (or my new DH pressuring me if the situation were reversed), which is just as crazy and unfair as pressuring someone into being sterilised, IMO.

[MrsKoala]

Annie - i would never take the pill personally. But lots of people do and are happy to. I have a coil. I love it. no chemicals etc. But i know some people don't get on with them. But for me the small amount of inconvenience/discomfort from having my method of contraception is worth keeping my options, and dh's open.

It's the finality of anything like that i would hate. I'm also dreading menopause for the same reason. I hate the thought that i couldn't have another child if i wanted one. It provokes a very strong physical feeling of sickness in me if people mention it (not the op - the concept) and i can't really explain it. It just feels wrong. no idea why, other than the finality of it.

[VonHerrBurton]

Funnily enough, we've had the 'ooh, really? Dh said he could never have a vasectomy, he wouldn't feel like a real man' bullshit as well from a 'friend'.

However, this big, real man is happy to walk the family's two Chihuahuas, Gucci and Versace, complete with their doggy frilly dresses on.

Yeah, he looked really big and tough then. Knob.

[HowlerMonkey]

I think DH is quite confident in his manliness - we got pregnant extremely easily (twice) so were actually quite scared of his 'bionic sperm' (as Desperate Housewives put it)! However, he says he doesn't feel that he is the sum total of his sperm count and so is quite happy about the snip.

In fact, I'll expand on that in response to a few of the comments here. I would not care (I think) if he had more kids later after a hypothetical break-up, but he says he doesn't want any more full-stop. We met through online dating and he has previously said that he was a bit disturbed by how many women seemed to view him as a glorified sperm donor (his words not mine). He wanted to be liked for himself, not for his breeding potential. Therefore, in his view, having had the snip was a good call. I certainly didn't make him do it.

I, on the other hand, am relatively open about the idea of having more with someone else in a break-up scenario. I do know a few families where the DH already has older ones from a previous marriage and no-one seems happy though, so frankly I'd be reluctant. I am also pretty sure DH and I wouldn't have any more in any case because I don't want to have kids with a man who doesn't want them - I just can't see anything good in that scenario.

Right, back to bed now goddamm DS2 and his middle-of-the-night starvation fears

[squoosh]

AnnieLobeseder I too am quite amazed at some of the responses on this thread, as though as man's masculinity is somehow being compromised by undergoing this procedure. Surely it's far preferable for a man to have a vasectomy than a woman to keep filling her body with contraceptive hormones for years and years.

As for all the 'oh but what if you split up and he wants to have more babies?' well surely that's a separate issue, if you don't have confidence in the longevity of your relationship well then you have far bigger issues to contemplate. I'm certainly not going to make family planning decisions based on the off chance that DH will want hypothetical babies with a hypothetical woman in the future!

As for the HollyBerryBush's frankly inane comment 'as its the woman who carries a baby and will undoubtedly pick up 18 years of child care, it is a woman responsibility for her own fertility.'......... Um, surely a couple deciding together that a vasectomy is in their family's best interest demonstrates precisely a woman taking responsibility for her own fertility.

[ravenAK]

Dh is quite reluctant, although we're both in agreement that our family is finished with 3dc.

I don't much like the idea of having my tubes mucked about with either, & if anyone was getting snipped it would be dh, what with him having got off lightly so far whilst I had 3 problematic pregnancies.

However, to be fair, if I fell under a bus tomorrow I can understand that it'd be better for him to have his options open for when he shacks up with some nice dw2. She will obviously be fantastic stepmother material, in between polishing the elaborate shrine dedicated to me in their bedroom but might prefer him with his plumbing intact.

Whereas if I were to be widowed/dumped there's no chuffing way I'd be sprogging with anyone else. I'm a bit older & quite shit at being pregnant, so just NO. Not happening.

So we've left it as his choice (well, they are his bollocks). Condoms unless/until he gets himself seen to.

A mate of ours had the snip recently & was waxing lyrical about the subsequent joys of carefree shagging; I did notice dh pricking up his ears, as it were...

[MrsKoala]

But why is 'filling your body with hormones' the only possible contraception?

And something else which is the taboo to consider is what if your dc die? or your dc and you? I would want dh to be able to have another family. Of course i'm not saying it would replace them but i would still want to have others.

Contraception would have to be a major hassle for me to think this was the solution. It just seems very extreme.

Also having been divorced at 30 to my 'soul mate' i suppose i am cynical about the idea of being with anyone forever.

I don't agree that it has anything to do with 'manliness' tho. That's just bizarre.

[Swallowing]

I think if you need your parents to help look after your children, then you have definately done the right thing and you should perhaps remind people of this if they criticise you.

[squoosh]

Why is it considered 'very extreme' for men to have this straightforward procedure? I'm genuinely baffled.

I can honestly say that death/divorce/his wanting another family at some stage would not even occur to me. To me it's utterly ridiculous to have to consider those kinds of situations. Deal with the here and now not with the mights and maybes. Is it the last word in female selflessness, 'I've given him children, but he might need more children, he is a man after all'.