...to think it's not such a big deal that DH has had the snip?

[HowlerMonkey]

We've got 2 DC and are pretty confident we don't want anymore, so he's just had it done. Yet when I mention it to people (family/friends) they seem horrified. And it's not just because I am daring to discuss it!

Our reasoning follows thusly:

1. We don't want any more kids, so a long-term no-fertilisation solution is required.
   
2. Our choices seem to be: a) no sex ever ugh b) condoms every time c) I stay on hormonal contraception for 15-20 years d) I get tubal ligation e) he gets the snip.
   
3. Of all those options, the snip seems to be the least risky and most effective.
   
   So what's the problem with these people?!
   
   If it upsets you too, please come and explain to me why. If you've been in my position, please tell me your best ripostes

[Groovee]

My dh had it done when our youngest was 5. He'd mentioned it in my pregnancy with him but then I went to see about me being sterilised and he gatecrashed and was referred instead. But I've had a lot of people tell me they could never make their dh's do it. I didn't force him there and hold him down. We did what suits us as a couple.

I did stress about what if we broke up and he met someone else, but he said "I'm in my 40's I don't want to be having another baby at such an older age."

[CunningAtBothEnds]

I am 26 DH is 27 we are reasonably sure we are happy with our 2DCs. However neither of us will be sterilised as :

-I am not certain I dont want a third

• if one of us died ok if he died i would like to be able to have the option of a second family
• the above point but if we split
• once I was sure i did / didnt want Dc3 i still wouldnt get sterilised and as I wouldnt do it, I wouldnt expect him to, however I wouldnt prevent him if he chose to do it.
• i am not very fertile and the coil works for me but my attitude is if a baby is the "worst case" then its really not so bad

That said thats just my opinion, each couple should do what suits and I wouldn't give my opinion unless asked

[ubik]

Ours was NHS vasectomy and DP had it fine z few months after DD3 was born.
Basically they asked him why he wanted it done, he said:I have three children" and they said:"walk this way..."

We would not have wanted to wait a year. It would have befn patronising to make us do so.

[pantsjustpants]

My dh has had it done recently, on the nhs with no delay. We have 5 dc's between aged 24 yes to 18mths (2 are mine, 1 is his and 2 youngest together), and I ended up on crutches for the majority of my last preg with ds.

It's definitely been the right decision for us, and it's lovely not having to have horrid side effects from hormonal contraception.

[lightshow]

SanityClause I was told by my gynae that the snip is less effective than the implant, which is why I chose it as I would not want a surprise baby under any circumstances (in fact I opted for a termination when our previous contraceptive failed). Wikipedia lists the failure rate is 0.05% for Implanon and Jadelle but 0.1% for vasectomy (and a rather worrying 2% for condoms, and that's with perfect use!). It might only be tiny fraction of a percent, but if you consider the number of couples using these methods worldwide, I wouldn't want to take that extra risk as I'm very sure my family is complete.

[2rebecca]

The trouble with talking of "horrid hormonal side effects" is that for many women their periods are better with hormones than without them, especially with methods like Mirena that usually reduce the pain and heaviness of periods.
It's not unusual for women to find that after a female sterilisation or a vasectomy that they are wanting to go back on the hormones because their periods are unbearable without them and they didn't bother trying to see what their natural menstrual cycle is like before getting the sterilisation done.

[Meow75]

2rebecca

That is my worry. I had a horrible late teenage/early 20's spell with my periods, first without and then with a contraceptive pill that allegedly was supposed to help.

For the last 5 years, I've had implants, and for about 8 years before that I had the injection. It is all good - I can cope with considering contraception once every 3 years. I am currently 37 and have never wanted children.

When I was 23-25, I asked to be sterilised regularly. My dr's just laughed at the idea of it, but because of the possibility that I might change my mind. The factor of periods returning was never once mentioned by any dr's at the surgery I was registered at then. I was that it was my baby making potential that was considered more important than my own day to day (or month to month) comfort!

In theory, I would like to be sterilised, but unless the dr was willing to do a full hysterectomy, I'm not interested.

[fedupofnamechanging]

My dh had it done when we had our 4th baby. That's as many as we can afford to have. My theoretical death/divorce is not going to alter that fact.

This is all theoretical because my dh has said he would never remarry and wouldn't want more kids, but I am not prepared to make my contraceptive choices on the off chance that some theoretical future partner of dh might want babies - I don't give a shit about her and what she wants! I'm operating with the view that dh and I are not going to separate or die until well into old age, but if it did, some potential new partner is not someone I'm going to plan my life around.

Many of you will think this is fucked up thinking, but I don't actually want dh to be able to have dc with anyone other than me. I would not consider that to be in my children's best interests. If the worst happened to dh, I would not want to remarry or have other dc, for the same reason.

My dad had a vasectomy after my little brother was born - my mum changed her mind and when I was 15 (DB was 12) she and my dad had twins. My mum was then sterilised during her CS. Important to be sure, because they were both worried the reversal wouldn't work and were very lucky.

It's ridiculous to say it makes someone less of a man - being prepared to put his wife first and properly share the burden of contraception/invasive procedures involved in having a family, actually makes someone more of a man imo.

Ironically though, I am now back on the pill, because of my bloody periods!

Another thing is that when you are 39, the combined pill isn't prescribed because it is not as safe for women past this age - my Dr will only give me the mini pill and with my dodgy memory for taking things on time, I'd not like to rely on that for contraception.

[chipmonkey]

There is another consideration which I am going to bring up because it's horrible and no-one wants to think of it but it happened to us.

If one of your dc's die, a lot of couples have an overwhelming urge to have another baby. And not just if the dc you lost was a baby, even if they were much older you feel that what we bereaved mums call a "rainbow baby" partially helps to heal the hurt. You can never replace the child you lost but the new child brings a little hope. I know of a Mum who did this when the child she lost was 14, another when the child she lost was 19.

I had an emergency hysterectomy when I had dd and then dd died. The inability to have another baby is very, very hard. I would love to adopt a baby but we're too old, there aren't enough babies up for adoption and the process here in Ireland takes far too long.

I remember years ago, discussing sterilisation with my SIL and she said "But what if something happened to one of your children?" and I pooh-poohed her, saying that that would be so awful that nothing would ever make up for it. And now, when I'm actually in that position, I see that she was right. Nothing ever could make up for losing dd but a new baby would help a little.

[fedupofnamechanging]

So sorry for your loss chipmonkey x

[LightTheLampNotTheRat]

DH had the snip when DC2 was about 3. We were totally certain we didn't want more children, either of us, in any circumstances - and I think some people really do know their own minds, so being told 'you might regret it' is rather patronising. You might regret all kinds of things in life, but it's okay for grown-ups to make grown-up decisions. We were both mid-30s at the time.

Our second child is severely disabled, and the GP asked DH - sensibly, in my view - how we would feel if she died. And we were both certain-beyond-certain that we wouldn't risk another child. Male sterilisation is much easier (and quicker to recover from) than the female equivalent. And certainly in our area, vasectomies are covered by the NHS while tubal ligation isn't.

Hurrah for vasectomies and the manly men who have them

[LightTheLampNotTheRat]

I hadn't seen chipmonkey's post when I posted mine - sorry for your loss chipmonkey. My comments weren't related to what you said.

[HorryIsUpduffed]

We had always planned three children. I am pg with DC3. DH is already thinking about his snip (when he will be 31). We know several people who have had it done, or at least planned.

People are rude.

[HorryIsUpduffed]

For what it's worth, by the time I'm done bf this baby (if all goes to plan) I will have had one or more small people dependent on my body for eight years. And that's after six years of hormonal contraception. The coil can fuck off.

I've heard of far more coil babies than snip babies too.

[jellybeans]

I wouldn't judge anyone else but for me it seems too final. I prefer choosing not to have more DC rather than having no choice at all. I have 5 DC. Very difficult births and pregnancy, 3 c sections, 2 stillbirths, 2 miscarriages. If I got pg would need cervical stitch, expensive blood thinners, c section etc etc. I would rather use a coil than cope with the emotional side of ending my fertility (or DH snip although I wouldn't stop him if he wanted it). But maybe that is to do with my difficult pregnancy history and how precious fertility is to me (we struggled to get pregnant with last one).

I have read some sad stories where people have lost all their DC and were unable to have more as they had had the snip. I totally agree it is very rare and you cannot replace a child ever. BUT in some cases having another child can bring new happiness and hope. We had another child both times after 2 stillborn DDs. They didn't replace DDs, nothing would, but they brought new happiness and healing.

Also I too know several men who have seperated and married a younger woman who now cannot have DC together. I know one woman who said she is glad of this as she didn't like the idea of him having DC with another woman. But I guess you never know what is going to happen and have to make the best decision you can at the time.

[meditrina]

The 0.1% failure rate for vasectomy is, btw, based on all failures. Over 50% of which occur within 3 months of the operation (and are attributed to unprotected intercourse before the all clear). The numbers are further confounded by the (fairly high) level of non-compliance with post vasectomy semen testing.

If you look at late failures amongst those who have had two negative semen tests, then the rate is less than half the usually quoted rate, and lower than any other method.

[jellybeans]

So sorry for your loss chipmonkey :(

[edam]

I'm so sorry, chipmonkey.

But when couples are certain they don't want any more children, in any circumstances, then it makes sense for the man to have the snip, as it's a far easier and more straightforward procedure than it is for a woman.

People who are surprised or disturbed by the man having a vasectomy, or who leap to the conclusion that the woman 'made' him (yeah, because women march their husbands into the theatre...) really need to examine their prejudices.

[Sallystyle]

I fell pregnant on the IUD so dh had the snip.

Five children is enough and if we ever split up I can't imagine him wanting more children. It's always a risk but it was his to take.

[nokidshere]

If I didn't want another baby then I would be sterilized. If DH wanted to have the snip I would not stop him but neither would I ask him to do it if he wasn't sure.

Immaterial really since we are both very old lol

[waterlego6064]

I'm sosorry for your loss chipmonkey.


Am interested to see that it often seems to be the female partner pushing for it more than the man.

It was the other way round here. My OH couldn't get it done fast enough after our DC2, it was me that didn't really want it to happen.

[MrsKoala]

I'm sorry for your loss Chipmonkey.

It was something i briefly skimmed around earlier (as obvs the thought is so awful) upthread and it is a reason i wouldn't want DH to have it. If our DC died, after the grief had subsided, we may want more. We may not. But the option is still there.

I suppose for me i am quite old anyway so there aren't years of contraception ahead. Also the copper coil works fine for me (altho i get very heavy periods - but that's a choice i'm willing to live with) and DH actually likes condoms

As an aside about the pill/hormones. I remember reading a thing in a Malcolm Gladwell book 'what the dog saw' which made an interesting point that women who have less 'proper' periods have less cases of breast cancer. That evolutionarily women would have had a lot less menses because of being constantly pregnant. So the pill is actually good for women in those terms. Haven't researched that any further so may be utter BS but it's just popped in my brain.

[cushtie335]

I had two C sections so didn't think it was unreasonable to ask DH to get the snip but he flatly refused. Lots of his mates and colleagues had it done, far more than their wives getting tubal ligation but he just wouldn't go through with it. I got my tubes tied instead. I wasn't happy about getting more surgery but it seemed the only solution. 8 years on and I still think he was selfish. Your DH is doing a good thing, ignore all the stupid remarks.

[cushtie335]

..didn't see chipmonkey's post. Really sorry for the situation you're in. I can't comprehend your pain, I just wish you the very best.