Aibu to think that a grandmother shouldn't be shouting at her grandchildren...

[emeraldgirl1]

... For things she thinks are disobedient? Ie not actually bad behaviour, just not doing exactly what she tells them to do when she tells them to do it?

And really shouting, accompanied by very very angry face??

The children are 6 and 4.

I ha e just spent a couple of days with my mum and am slowly coming to be quite upset by the way she handles my nephews.

She was a very scary mum when we were little, shouty and easily cross, and we her children were just never ever naughty even!! A friend asked me a while ago what she did when we were naughty and I just didn't understand the question because we just WEREN'T. We got shouted at enough even when being 'good'!!

She has been a good grandmother thus far however, gives a lot of time and energy.

But I think she cannot cope with my nephews as they get older and less easy to control. She was furious with the 6yo today for moving something she had told him not to move. Really really cross and shouted at him that he had done it out of 'spite'.

It was just moving something ffs, he is a 6yo boy.

He had a nightmare tonight, screaming for his mummy (she is away with work which s why my parents have the kids) and I am unable to sleep now slowly coming to the realisation that I think my mum is terrorising them the way she terrorised her own kids.

Less damaging as as they can get away and go home?

I have a new baby of my own (my mum is great with her) which is why I am staying with them for a few days.

I am sounding so dense here... Why the hell didn't I say something earlier when she yelled?!! I gave my nephew a big cuddle but I should have said something. But when my mum shouts we all (the entire family) go into a huddle IYSWIM. Plus I was dealing with a teething baby at the time. I feel pathetic now.

Quite shocked really by the way the last few days have panned out. Not really sure what to think or feel.

If I think about it now she has just been 'cross' almost permanently for the last three days, snapping at them when they wanted to pay in the garden after their bath, getting annoyed that they take too long to eat, bitching and complaining when they are in earshot that she is exhausted and has too much to do and that they are out of control... The only time she is happy with them is when they have done exactly what she wanted.

Aibu or is this not really ok?! Not saying GPs can't tell their GCs off if they do something wrong... But isn't this a bit excessive??

Put it this way I would think twice about letting them take DD away with them when she is old enough...

It certainly sounds excessive and it sounds like she should not be in charge of any children.

I wouldn't have someone like that looking after mine.

My grandma shouted at me when I was 2 and a half for moving something. She might even have smacked me as I can remember my mum going a bit ape at her. Can't say it scarred me for life tbh. She was generally the intolerant grandparent.

It wasn't until I moved back north near her when I was 19 that I really got to know her and we used to have a good old giggle. She just found children really difficult and was from a 'seen and not heard' generation. She might well be struggling with your nephews and the heat won't be helping.

YANBU - and yes, it does sound excessive and not acceptable. They may be coming from a secure base with your sister's parenting, but ultimately your parents will end up driving their GC's away if that is how they interact with them.

Please don't beat yourself up about not saying anything directly to her at the time - from the sounds of your own upbringing I don't imagine challenging her actions would be instinctive for you. If you can bring up the subject with her (based on your perception, rather than her action though IYSWIM) yes, it would be good, both for you and the children. It might be easier to do this with your DSis though.

I'd also stick with your gut instinct and minimise your daughter's alone time with them when she gets to a similar age. That has been her way of dealing with children for a number of years now and its unlikely that she will either recognise the need for change or choose to make any changes to her behaviours.

That all sounds like someone with a short fuse who should maybe only get her grand kids for, like, a couple of hrs max? Would it be atall poss for you to say "mum you don't have to worry about the discipline, that's the luxury of being a grandparent" or sth benign like that? Most people are mellower grandparents than they were parents so maybe she's been doing too much or had them too long? I recall my gran who was lovely being quite exasperated at the end of a wknd watching us, and we were good too. What would your sis want for her kids? It is pretty unusual to hear grandparents really cross, but then I've also seen a gran leather her "charge" inside the nursery(!) so it depends entirely on anger/stress levels. I wouldn't want it for my kids, it's the parents' job to be the grumps .

Well your post rang a few memory bells with me. I grew up in a shouty house, but though I'm close to my family all that shouting and demanding didn't do me any good, and some of it over time probably did cause me harm.

But. I look at my dad. He adores my sons, he doesn't 'get' kids at all (great with babies, and adults if you like fishing) and he's abrupt. He has temper tantrums, but it balances completely and he's just a grumpy sod and wouldn't hurt us at all intentionally, in any way. So I cannot say whether YABU or not but I do think that whatever my experiences, this is something that has affected you very negatively whilst growing up... I think you need to be a little grumpy yourself, and a little unreasonable.

You need to make a quip about them being so bloody anal, practice a sarcastic tongue and use it... they will bite. Then you can tell them what you really think, it will be horrible and may result in long term silence but at least you can't unsay it, and they cannot unhear it. If they have anything about them at all, they'll be angry and then feel ashamed... then hopefully they may adjust their behaviour.

Of course, it also gets tougher when you get older. My parents cope MUCH better with their grandchildren over short periods of time with many breaks. That's just the way it is. Obligation doesn't make things fun, so perhaps it's a little stressful for your parents at the moment. There's you and your baby, there's 6 yr old and a 4 yr old and they're staying more than 2 hrs? Part of me thinks of course they're bloody stressed! So perhaps you could cut them a little slack as well.

If he was told not to move something by his grandma and he went ahead and moved it anyway, then he WAS being naughty.

Thx everyone.

They've had the kids for four days, the patience is certainly wearing as the dad have gone on.

My nephews are not the easiest but they are not the hardest either.

My mums standards of behaviour are insanely high...

That should have been the days not the dad!!

you know yourself that she is overstepping the mark. You remember your own childhood and the whole family are cowering. Cowering is not a good sign.

My mum occasionally shouts at her GCs. My mum is nearly 80 and sometimes all the many young GCs arrive all at once and run around wild being very noisy and boisterous and it gets a bit much for her if she's already asked them to calm down. They don't cower though just settle down a bit and someone will maybe take them to another room where the play can commence!

I'm not so sure on this one

On the face of it she does sound overly strict, but then again (and I'm not making excuses) it's bloody hot and she now has a 6yr old, a 4yr old and a newborn baby in her house.

Perhaps it's all getting a bit too much for her?

I feel sorry for all involved, that is a long time. The boys will be playing up too being there that long. Is there another option in future? Your mum doesn't sound that kid-friendly certainly but that is a big ask. If I hear anyone getting remotely exasperated with my 3 I make a mental note and significantly reduce what I expect them to do with them in future. hope you get something sorted.

Well I'd say you and your siblings need to limit the contact to a few hours, not days.

And regarding the 6yr old...

She expressly told him not to move something and he went ahead and did it.

You see that as him 'just being a 6yr old boy'...and she sees it as deliberate disobedience.

Which actually it was.

That is a lot to cope with. She's done her shouty parenting so maybe it is also a bit much to have 3 kids for 4 days.

I think that unless she is a particularly young grandmother that looking after all the children, who are at fairly different stages of development, might be a bit much for her on her own.

Well I agree it doesn't sound like a very positive or happy environment for children. But I suspect the easiest solution is to limit the children's time with her, rather than trying to change her behaviour.

But I think she cannot cope with my nephews as they get older and less easy to control. She was furious with the 6yo today for moving something she had told him not to move. Really really cross and shouted at him that he had done it out of 'spite'

He may well have been naughty, and thus should have been reprimanded. 6 is old enough to be consciously naughty. I can easily imagine an alternative story here about less well disciplined nephews not listening, and by day 4 too many straws have been in the wind.

Also handing someone your kids for 4 days that's a huge favour they're doing - presumably your Nephews' parents knew what she was like?

Sounds like she is tired. could you take them out & leave the baby with her?
can your sister collect them a little earlier?
perhaps you should speak to sis about the length of time they spend there?

My SIL's dc are insolent, unmanageable and badly behaved if not on occasion violent and out of control. MIL (a former teacher) and SIL ignore the behaviour and constantly try to distract them. Personally I think they need some firm boundaries and plenty of shouting. Not sure tbh. I have set boundaries for mine and I have shouted at them but they seem OK at 18 and 15 and have never attempted to damage other people's property.

?

It sounds like she is at the end of her tether after 4 days minding a 6 and 4 year old and with a baby in the house too. She has a lot on her plate and has said she is exhausted and has too much to do. It sounds like you and your sister need to limit the time she spends with her grandchildren to a few hours visiting rather than her looking after them for days.

Even though i have no problem looking after my own children, i know if i had to look after someone else's 2 children for days plus have someone else's baby staying too I would be getting pretty ratty by now.

My mum is bit like this.
She really hates it when the DC don't do exactly as they are told,and even expects them to read her mind at times
She gets angry very quickly and just seems cross almost all the time.
The problem is..she doesn't really like children...from a distance she's fine with the idea of helping out,but when it actually happens,she can't cope with spending time with them.

So I never leave her alone with them and we only spend a few hours with her together.
I would never,ever,leave her for days with them,she would hate it and so would they.

'If he was told not to move something by his grandma and he went ahead and moved it anyway, then he WAS being naughty.'

But there are ways of telling the DN off without accusing them of doing it out of spite, he was testing the boundaries, that's not malicious in a 6 YO (in most cases).

And the OP's said it's not because she's tired or irritable because she's overly hot, she's been like this all the OP's life. Barking at the people around her to manipulate everything to how she likes it. Control freak.

The family huddling together when she starts barking sounds awful. Have you ever stood up to her OP? Can you ever see a day when you tell her exactly how she's made you feel for so long?

Will you tell her where to get off when she starts snarling at your DD?

If you would, then why not use that to take her to task about your DN's? Yes, 6 YO's should do as they're told, but you know how they feel, why let her scare the shit out of the next generation?

And what about your sister?

If she knows she's like that and didn't like it herself, why is she leaving them with her?