How do you cut someone out if others don't?

[CrapBag]

Lots of petty little things have built up with a friend of late and in the long term I would be looking to let the friendship go. I am not getting anything out of it other than a quick catch up when she is not busy, which is extremely rare, she has time to get together with her other friends so I resent being treated as a part time friend for when her other friends are busy and she has nothing to do. Probably not how she sees it but its how I see it and how people have said it on here before.

We have a close little group of friends and this above friend isn't really part of it. She makes no effort with everyone but because she has a bit more free time at the moment, she is letting it be known that she is around if we are doing something and wants to be invited. Funnily enough 2 of her close friends are at work and another one has moved away so the reason for more of this free time is that her 'friends for life' (as she has referred to them in the past) are not available so much at the moment. I resent us being used like this, as when her friends are around, we won't see or hear from her at all.

There are 2 of us now who don't want this person to keep tagging along with us and we are feeling increasingly uncomfortable around her. She really does seem to look down on us all sometimes (you catch the odd sneer) and we do seem more relaxed and chilled when she isn't there. Others are also picking up on this. However 1 person in the group is far too nice for her own good sometimes and has been including her, even though she never actually hears from this person either, she's too nice to leave someone out. I would never turn around and say "by the way, can you stop inviting x, I don't like them" because its their prerogative but I don't see how I can wind down the friendship and finally get rid if she keeps popping up. No one in the group is that bothered, its just that some are too nice not to invite her (they don't know that 'friend' has said before she wouldn't be bothered if she never saw them again). Me and the other person have many reasons why we aren't keen on this 'friend' anymore but how do you actually wind down a friendship when they still pop up? Or do you have to suck it up and just keep letting it drag on?

I would always invite rather than leave someone out- it's the grown up thing to do, isn't it?

If you value your friendship with 'Kind friend' more than you detest 'You're-2nd-division-but-you'll-do-for-now friend', I guess you'll tolerate having the latter included.

If you want shot of everyone that annoys you, you'll have to start afresh and stick with reliable genuine people.

I have cut out a few toxic friends on an individual basis, but still tolerate them/socialise with them in a group situation, as I find it easier than a one-on-one situation. Also it's quite good to do this as then they don't tend to twig that you've cut them out and therefore don't get all offended!

One ex friend in particular I've been very careful about when and how I distanced myself from her, and it's taken me a good 6 months, but I've gradually stopped any meet ups with just the two of us. However I still see her on nights out with mutual friends, and it's ok as when there are other people there it dilutes her behaviour (she behaves like a ditsy bimbo but is very cunning with comments, and is also very nosey and judgemental), and it's easy to give her minimal attention and focus on talking to others.

curlew isn't as simple as that. We have barely seen or heard from this person for about a year. The others haven't seen or heard from her at all, me, as the person who was closest to her, has only heard from her a few times. Now she has nothing better, she wants to be around us.

Donkey that's a good point. I do value my friendship with kind friend, as she is one of the nicest people you could ever meet.

"If you want shot of everyone that annoys you, you'll have to start afresh and stick with reliable genuine people." That's what I did do before actually. I always seem to end up with user friends so I had ditched a long time before. I have made a brilliant set of friends but I have had to cull the odd couple, who weren't part of this group, because I refuse to put up with shit friends in my life, been there, done that twice before and won't do it again.

If you want to avoid a rift with the other friends and risk being the one cut out yourself,Just avoid being pally with the one you don't like when she is present. A civil hello, how are you, goodbye is sufficient really.

That is encouraging then lukewarm to know it can be done and tolerated in that way. I have a feeling she may drift away eventually anyway as we are all getting the feeling from her that she is looking down on us.

It's all a bit juvenile "I don't like her, I want everyone else not to like her/talk to her" vibe.

Be a grown up. If you don't want to invite her to things, don't, but its none of your business what anyone else chooses to do.

CrapBag, I would stop inviting her to things yourself though, or maybe just invite her occasionally to something where there will be loads of people as a token gesture. If others invite her then let them get on with it and just be polite but vague, and sit/chat with others where possible.

How about having the courage of your convictions and stop hiding behind the others if you don't like her then how about you just tell her?

oh dear, I couldn't even get to the end of your op there.
My DD and her friends are more mature than you and they're in year 7.

Do people really think like this.
So depressing

I think it's just that you control the guest list when it's your event, you don't when it's someone else's. So you don't invite her when you are arranging anything, and accept that if someone else is, they might invite this woman. You act by being polite to her when you need to see her, don't arrange anything directly with her.

If you want reduce the amount you see her, then you need to be the proactive one arranging things, so it's down to you to invite people. It might help 'ease her out' of the social group if there's been a number of meet ups that don't include her.

I don't really see the issue, because you are speaking about group situations, where people obviously feel comfortable to invite another along if they feel like it. You are not obliged to like everyone in a group setting. Sit at the other end of the coffee table, and don't engage.

When you are organising friends for coffee at your house, then you can cheerfully exclude - and perhaps even say to the 'kind' friends ...."please don't invite any extras, the house will be chock-a-block with just us".
Your territory .....your choice...... Group territory ...multi-choice!
some other members in the group may actually feel just as strongly that they like seeing this person occasionally.

Just be civil but distant to her. She will get bored with you all and bugger off again soon. I have a truly horrible acquaintance I sometimes have to encounter and be civil to because other people I know consider him a friend: I just do the polite nod and a few words and walk away.

Agree with Annabelle - who are you to say she shouldn't be included in a group. Maybe she felt a bit unwelcome up to now. If your friend likes her, so what. Just seems quite controlling behaviour to me to determine who and who should not be included in a group to suit yourself.