aibu to be secretly miffed.

[sweetsummerlove]

'brief' back story. I come from a 'broken' home in all senses of the word (proper jezzer material! though we arent chavtastic!) Dh2b doesn't. Text book- one of three, Parent's married since time began. Very in each others pocket but supportive etc. On flip side, my dm is a fruit loop and as she's gotten older and met man no#1000 is less and less interested in me or my siblings. Quite frankly her interest shown in my daughter is a disgrace compared to inlaws. Rubbed in further by her close relationship with he first grandchild by default who is several years older than my own.

It upsets me but I do my best to not let it.

Anyway. I have dress shopping apps booked tomorrow, both apps (morn and avro) are a significant drive. I've bernoonce before and dm didn't bother then and made her excuses for these too. Then my dsis dropped out. Last app she kept referencing my weight and had a weird attitude about her, playing me up as a bridezilla to the lady in store. .very odd. But I wrote it off because she is getting married in two months and I not long after and figured she was a bit put out doibg somthing for mine and not hers..I dunno. Anyway this put me out a bit and I made a mental note that I wouldn't talk/included her in wedding related stuff till hers was over..but she invited herself to these apps tomo before dropping oit again.

Right..now to my point. I was quite upset (mostly over my mum) the other night and OH got cross, because I don't stand up for myself etc. He doesn't understand how a family can be so disinterested compared to his own. Unbeknownst to me hes txt my sister and told her she ought to be coming with me and he thinks it awful im going alone ( friends are busy) despite saying I was glad she wasn't coming. Now she's coming and I feel A) shes been forced and B) will moan about getting up early. .the drive and probably missing out on doing something for her own.

I know I know he was just being protective and trying to help..but feel he's put me in an awkward position now. .and im secretly annoyed..I just feel he shouldn't have saidaanything without asking. ..and clearly he wasn't bloody listening properly else he wouldn't havr asked her at all!!

and breathe. sorry. .I know its trivial!

bloody typos sorry! once before*

I can completely see why you are annoyed. But I can also understand that your OHs actions have been well meant.

Neither my family or DPs are great, they almost take it in turns to be really shit. And we have both felt that the other let's too much stuff go and doesn't stand up for themselves. For a week now I have been trying not to contact DPs family to have a go at them.

So YANBU to be annoyed, but maybe the things your OH is saying are actually things that need to be said.

(name changed just inc)

just really feel the need to add we are going away alonebto marry so im definitely not a confetti-esque bridezilla and genuinly just wanted to involve my family. ..

wannabedomestic- its shit isn't it. Even more so when its your own. I swing from sobbing over the latest upset to defending them when OH gets cross for me. :-/

I can see both sides, it sounds like he's only trying to give you the support and loving family that he has always had. I can understand why you are miffed, but try to understand why he would think you are missing out, and why he would want to put that "right" for you albeit in the wrong way. I hope that your shopping trip goes well, if she's as bad as you think she might be, see if there's a back door to one of the dressing rooms! Congratulations on getting married to a man who obviously cares very much for your happiness.

It's important to fight your own battles and you have experience of how your family operate so if DP finds it all baffling I hope he's a quick learner.

If he has through well-meaning interference put you in an awkward spot either contact your sister and say you'll manage alone or wait and see how she reacts tomorrow and any carry on, suggest she can leave.

It's a shame your friends were busy that day, when we lack dependable blood ties it's a comfort to have friends as back up.

Equally I can see how your fiance thought he'd be smoothing things over. In a way your family might as well know how things will be from hereon in, he is going to be on your side and if you were ever the 'scapegoat' DD and sister, you'll have him beside you.

Another time when letting off steam to him, remember to say you'll sort it out yourself - it could be he thinks a down to earth say-it-like-it-is rejoinder to any antics will dispel any lingering sulks or drama.

It could be that your sister's nose was out of joint because she liked the excitement of the run up to her own wedding and felt your choice of date took the shine off. If you've not been on good terms since childhood I guess there is back history so probably risky relying on her too much. Is the 1st grandchild you mention her child? If so I can see this competitive element rumbling on.

yes first grandchild is hers but can hand on heart say dsis abd I have been very close for several years now. Tbh Theres no animosity between siblings..its just my mums disinterest in subsequent children and our general lives that really grinds us (other siblibgs and I) my sister doesn't get it since she's had a different experience obviously.

i do genuinly think her attitude was soley based on her wedding being so close and if I wasn't really cutting it fine now in terms of finding and ordering a dress in time for my own id have never done so until hers was done iyswim..its just unfortunate timing which ive genuinly understood though im not sure it makes it right. ....

OH thinks im a total soft touch and im thinking he's probably right!

Put yourself in your OH's position.

You allow your family to treat you like shit to the point that you're sobbing about it at home... In front of your OH? And he's supporting you through this.

You complain/vent to him about it all, but then do nothing to change the situation i.e. telling your family that they've upset you or how they make you feel.

So he's getting upset and angry on your behalf. But you do nothing about it, they continue to treat you badly, you get upset and angry, you vent to your OH, your OH gets upset and angry on your behalf, but you do nothing about it, and on and on and on.

Imagine how frustrating it is for him.

If you're not prepared to do anything about it, I imagine that for him it will get tiresome supporting you through your upset after the fifty millionth time.

Maybe it's time someone did tell your family how they make you feel.

I think your DP meant well and you should probably just move on. I mean I understand why you feel a miffed, but still - his heart was in the right place. This is far more to do with your crap family than it is to do with his misguided actions - don't make him your punching bag.

My DP comes from a nice normal family and I don't. It is a constant source of bafflement to him - and I can see why.

Thanks for your input wise MN'ers. Ill be sure not to allow myself to put this on him..I know he is not the real cause of my upset.

Unfortunately I have previously raised my issues RE dd with mum but with no improvement.

Wish I had the guts to really have it out with her but she just always has a complete ignorance to her..like she has absolutely no idea what she could ever have done wrong.

The grandmother/first grandchild love-fest is often a sticking point whatever the background. If your future in-laws are #1 devoted GPs stop wasting your breath fighting your 'D'M and enjoy your DP's family instead.

I get why your DP did this. My own dad puts me last all the time, and managed to ruin my graduation by not coming. This came after years of crap. After the graduation fiasco, me and DP were visiting nearby my dad and he asked if we'd like to meet up. I envisaged dinner - it turned out to be 20 minutes stood up at a cafe bar.

DP and I then went off to get dinner and I couldn't hold the tears in. He told me how angry it made him that my dad would upset me like that, and that he would find it really hard to spend much time with him without telling him what he felt.

I couldn't confront him so I decided to get counselling to help me deal with my emotions - best thing I ever did.

DMIL can be a bit brass and we don't always get on but I can never fault her on her pove and dedication to dd..and DFIL is a gem. Im secretly jealous OH had such an awesome dad and childhood. I nearly burst into tears on fathers day just sitting around the table watching my dd, her daddy and grandpa sharing cake. .I am unbelievably grateful for the tight knit family support they (and I) provide her..lord knows I missed out big time as a child. Soni fully embrace his family and for the most part treat dm in the way I would a child. She is oblivious to her behaviour and selfish by nature though she'd be mortified if she heard that.. she literally hasn't a clue. Raising my issues with her is like talking to brick wall. Even when it's really serious stuff. Eurgh im getting angry just thinking about it.

I really need councilling I think.

My DP is from a normal family, recently he experienced my sister behaving as only she can, he took it upon himself to talk to her husband amd naively thinks that the situation is resolved.

Your man was trying to fix things, like mine was. It's a man thing, they can't just listen they have to try to fix even the unfixable.

If your sister is moody tomorrow then just give her an out, an excuse to leave rather than let her tarnish what should be a great experience. Good luck with your wedding and the future.

Try counselling but don't expect your DM to accept any blame, make the counselling about you and get the best from it.

I can understand why your DP might feel he wanted to do that, but it's absolutely not his place to force you into confronting your family.

His role should be to support you doing what you feel is right, not control/manipulate you into doing what he thinks.

You say yourself, he has no idea what living with those people can do to you, and you've learnt to play the game in surviving and still having contact with them.

Disinterest is almost as bad as aggressively intrusive contact, and it can bloody hurt when you see it contrasted to the way the person is with others (or by proxy with your children and your mum treating another GC differently).

You end up wondering WTF's wrong with you, which is nothing of course, because it's them not you.

It's nice your DP feels protective, but carrying that over into action and interfering with the relationship you have with your family (in whatever form you've built it up to) is worrying IMO.

I wouldn't go as far as saying he's a controlling twat, but I wonder (because you've said you're a 'push over') what other kinds of things does he take out of your hands to do 'properly'?

I found early on that I had to explain to my OH that when I was telling him what was upsetting me/making me angry I wasn't needing him to find me a solution, I just needed him to listen, as talking it through helped me see it more clearly. I don't think he really understands why I need to grumble on sometimes, but now he just listens and gives me a hug after. He now knows he doesn't have to try to help me solve it, unless im specifically asking for help.

Probably generalising here, but I think men tend to be problem solvers, and can think you are asking them to think of a solution for something, when all you are actually doing is venting, and not wanting help resolving whatever issue you have. Maybe explain this to your DP.

Hope you have a good day op.