to not have a clue how to deal with jealous mil

[PrincessScrumpy]

This had been in the back ground ever since feel was born 5 years ago and my parents decided to move closer... Still just over an hour away so we don't see them lots but when dtds were born dm was brilliant helping with feel while we were in scbu etc - mil is 4 hours away and never offers any help. Any way that's the brief run down. Mil often makes comments re my parents seeing dc more etc and dh usually responds by saying that they have free train travel and mil doesn't work school holidays so just come down... She won't go on a train without fil so that's out and won't drive on motorways or in the dark (- she's 53 and capable just nervous).
Usually it's manageable but this week out has gone to another level and I have no idea how to deal with it other than laugh (which didn't help). My dad mum dh and I ended up having a jokey fb thread saying if there was a zombie apocalypse we'd go to my parents' as they grow their veg, have chickens (eggs), live in the middle of no where and dad has garden equipment we could use as weapons. Clearly not a serious conversation, in fact dad added my mum could scare the zombies with her face (obviously mum saw this but not an issue). Mil is really upset that we've once again chosen my parents over dh's. we've pointed out it's not real but she's still not speaking to us. She is nuts isn't she? Or aibu?

What a nut.
I wouldn't engage. Ignore the stupid comments.
When she complains, tell her get a grip an be an adult, if you want to see the kids, get on a bloody train or in the car and stop being a big baby about it, she's hardly too old to travel alone.

I'm in a similar situation with my MIL...

Over the years we have bent over backwards to accommodate her and that is always conveniently forgotten (think spending all our spare holidays at hers, travelling and staying for whole weeks at a time when she has been ill etc).

Obviously now we have 2 children and a dog, as well as DH hardly having time off, we can't visit as much as we would like. Our only holiday last year was 3 days in a caravan,which we chose near to MIL so we could spend one of our only holiday days with her. This wasn't enough and she still sulks about it now

But the competition she has (in her mind) with my mum us unbelievable. And my mum has been nothing but kind to her, even as far as inviting her with us one Boxing Day. Anything I mention to do with my side of the family she makes a cats bum face. It used to really upset me, now I realise that moving so far away has made her overthink everything and brood over every little thing.

There really is nothing you can do,DH has tried explaining things until he's blue in the face but she is so used to feeling sorry for herself it doesn't make a blind bit of difference.

We are off for a weeks holiday in Cornwall next week with my mum and family (splitting the cost of a cottage so we can afford to take a holiday for the first time in 4 years). MIL has practically imploded at the injustice of it all

I actually get on very well with her, yet this trait drives me round the bend! All I can suggest is treat it like the childish tantrum it is and try not to let it get to you. Easier said than done, I know!

Chocolate that sounds so familiar. We once took them on holiday for a week in France - I drove for 8 hours in France with dh navigating as pil can't possibly drive on the wrong side of the road. Upon arrival fil announced he was exhausted. I got dd ready for bed and announced there needed to be dinner bought by the timeI was done as I was starving. I'd had enough. They also didn't like our choice of holiday as "everyone working there spoke French!" But they weren't paying. Really feel we make lots of effort but it's been 13 years now and my kindness is disappearing.

Bonkers. Enjoy the peace while she isn't speaking to you. When she eventually realises that you're not going to play her game, she'll start talking to you again.

If she tries to engage you in a "you offended me" conversation, you could tell her that you are hurt and upset that she thinks so little of you, as to stop speaking to you over a joke about zombies. Play Offended Top Trumps with her, that could be entertaining.

And keep responding to every other complaint with "oh yes, we'd love to see more of you, when do you want to come?"

It feels like we must be living in parallel universes or something! I really do feel for you, that situation in France sounds so frustrating. Unfortunately I have found that the more you do for them, the less grateful they are, as it becomes expected from you (does that make sense?!)

Acceptance is the key. Accept that they are twats and no matter what you do they will never be happy.

It sounds like you are doing a grand job standing up for yourself anyway. It does take a while to feel strong enough to be able to do that - in my case I've gone from an eager to please 19 year old to a battle weary 34 year old, and since I've had my dd's I am less inclined to indulge MIL. Ironically she half respects me more for that...and half hates me (mwahaha - evil laugh)

Out of interest, is your DH an only child or does he have siblings who you could perhaps get onside?

Love the idea of Offended Top Trumps! May steal that one myself!

Dh is the eldest of 2 boys - the other is a needy mummy's boy who constantly borrows money despite having a good job. We have never borrowed money and they think we're rolling in it, expecting us to pay for them if we go anywhere.
We recently went on a long haul holiday and Dh told mil we are considering moving to the country. I was surprised as we hadn't spoken about it, his reply: "well now she can just be grateful we're only 4 hours away!" Heehee
Dh is totally on side which makes it easier to deal with. She did once do the train but fil travelled half way (crazy as he'd just done a night shift!). She was actually helpful but that is the only time and that was because I had a 3yo and 4mo twins and dh asked her to help (making it really clear what help meant)

I would find it hard to sympathise. She can get on a train with her dh but not without him?? But you're supposed to take a tribe of kids on the train to see her??

My mum is 70 and loves her free travel. She's always off all over the place. My aunt who is older than my mum is going to India soon. If you can get on a train with your husband you can get on a train alone.

My xmil was/is a bit like this. All efforts had to be made by me or by my family.

Ahhhh, your husband has the role as the 'responsible' son.

A (spookily!) similar set up to ours, right down to the irresponsible sibling and the assumption that we have plenty of spare cash (Ï wish!)

As lighthearted as I have been, it can be hard for people to understand how utterly exhausting it is dealing with this in the family. Worried in case you say the wrong thing, biting your tongue for the sake of harmony...

Honestly? You probably have learnt the hard way (same as us) that the only way to keep sane is to put yourselves first and be firm with her. Whatever you do, the likelihood is that it will never be enough.

Of course, I am generalising, and I don't know your MIL. But when people get into that 'poor me' mindset, they only worry what they are missing out on and fail to appreciate what they actually have. And its such a shame.

You sound like you handle her brilliantly, laughing at the crazy zombie jealousy is totally right, and thank fuck you have a supportive DH!

I just realised what a self indulgent essay I have written, sorry! But it appears there are a few of us who are going through similar so take heart in the fact you are not alone

MIL and zombie in the same thread, it doesn't get any better than this! sorry not helpful at all

Have you asked her to put her case forward as to why her place should be zombie HQ? What artillery does she have? Any medical training? Secret underground bunker or emergency stockpile that might make you reconsider your venue choice until the whole zombie apocalypse blows over? Seriously though, If she can't get on a train by herself what is she going to be like when faced with the undead?

major thread derail

Fairy's MIL drinks the baby formula!!

I'm sorry, but that's the weirdest creepiest thing I've ever heard!

Fairy, you win weirdest MIL thread ever, even though it's not your thread.

Omg! She's completely bonkers! Jealous over who's house is ZDHQ?! And she's actually being serious?! Jeeezzzz....that's a whole new level of petty immature behaviour!

FWIW can I come to ZDHQ? I have lots of scary pregnancy hormones to fight off zombie attacks with and a set of in laws we can use to use as zombie bait! Infact my dh has just pissed me off so we can throw him to the zombies too

Massive lol at 'if she cant face the train by herself what is she going to be like when faced with the undead!'

This is going to be my new personal mantra whenever im being a bit mardy!

PrincessScrumpy YABVVVVVU .

MIL lives A MILE away and she is a fucking nightmare away with the fairies a total control freak mind meltingly insecure and completely unaware. Dh used to be onside until she bribed him with a £1500 Apple, but it is great for watching iplayer but since dd was born he has to be at hers every week with dd or he has his balls metaphorically squeezed or she guilt trips him with 'poor unloved me'.

They are often not there as dd just refuses. She is 2.

Wanna swap?

She is mad and manipulative.

FFS most 53 yos are having to work and take the F ING train or car to work.

But kind polite assertiveness without noticing too Mich is the answer. I got trained in assertiveness and itvwas a dream.

Repeat ad nauseam " I'm sorry you feel like that. For us it was a joke. " then say no more until she raises it again. Repeat, using the same words.

She will find it impossible to argue with. You have recognised her position hut stated yours. You have remained polite. But you are not going to retreat.

Then close the issue in your mind until she raises it again.

And for her next variant, your response is " I'm Sorry you feel like that. We didn't. " or I'm Sorry you weren't able to come. We would have liked you to. "

To " but I can't travel",

" I'm Sorry you felt you couldn't travel. We missed you. "

If she goes on about your DH having to pick her up, " I'm sort he wont be able to. It's too dangerous to drive that length of time with small and his job."

You remain calm and repetitive. It's like dog training.

I love the fact your MIL is getting uppity about a hypothetical zombie situation! Can we all just stop and laugh at how ridiculous that is??! We're not talking about a family holiday, Christmas or important birthdays; we're talking about a zombie frigging apocalypse scenario!!!

BTW are you sure this isn't a stealth "I'll be all right Jack in a zombie apocalypse" boast? All round to PrincessScrumpy's parents

Seriously though, If she can't get on a train by herself what is she going to be like when faced with the undead?