Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To stop constantly lending money unconditionally

20 replies

Bunraku · 26/07/2013 14:29

And instead encourage the person to have a serious review of their finances and priorities?

A family member of mine constantly comes to me every other week to borrow money because they have ran out and can't fund their journeys to work.

Although the person owns a decent wage they spend all their money on going out and drinks, meals ect

I am in no way saying that they should not go out but when they go out they often enjoy buy

OP posts:
Bunraku · 26/07/2013 14:30

Buying drinks for all their company too and I have had enough so would it be unreasonable for me to bring this up in a chat and break the cycle or am I being cruel to not wait it out to see if their situation improves?

OP posts:
cushtie335 · 26/07/2013 14:32

YANBU. As Dr Phil (whom I generally can't stand) said very wisely "you don't solve money problems with money". This person will never get a grip on their finances if you keep bailing them out. It will just get worse and worse. Also, the sums will get bigger and when you ask for it back you'll be resented for it.

shaggyrogers · 26/07/2013 14:36

I think you should bring it up and tell them that you are afraid you are no longer going to be able to lend them money any more. Their situation would only improve if they stopped wasting all their money on drinks!

SofaKing · 26/07/2013 14:47

Don't lend any more. Next time they mention going out say "Great, you have the money, can you pay me back now please?"

I wish I could take my own advice, my sister borrows constantly and I asked mn what to do and was told to say no. I didn't, suffice to say I am still being asked for money and guilt tripped because I didn't put my foot down earlier.

Bunraku · 26/07/2013 14:52

It's difficult as the person in question is actually my father. But I really can't keep putting off things that I want to buy and do because he spent his money treating his friends. I'm not sure what appearance he is trying to conjure and because he is my dad I feel pressured into lending to him but on the other hand as a grown man he should know better. I came here to ask today because the last time I went on holiday was over ten years ago and now I am in a better position I found a cheap one and put a little aside for the deposit but that morning my dad asked to borrow and because I felt obligated I went ahead and lent it to him and now the holiday I could afford has gone. I just wanted to check that I wasn't being out of line to ask my own dad to get a grip on his priorities.

OP posts:
clam · 26/07/2013 14:56

You what?!! You're forgoing your holiday so your dad can treat people down the pub?
More fool you, sorry!

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 26/07/2013 14:59

YADNBU

He won't sort out his finances because he doesn't have too. Why should you miss out on enjoying your life so he can live it up with is mates. You are paying for his enjoyment at the expense of your own.

Just say no. If you can't just say no and think you might be pursuaded put your savings in a notice account where you can only make a limited number of withdrawals without penalty and then tell him you can't get access to the money.

Groovee · 26/07/2013 15:00

Just say no!

Jubelteen · 26/07/2013 15:00

That's so sad, can't imagine how a father could sleep at night knowing his child was going without a holiday to fund him Impressing his friends. Don't give him a penny more. You are not obligated to do whatever he asks.

Pagwatch · 26/07/2013 15:05

Stop lending it to him.
You are not helping him, you are not helping yourself.
It is deeply stupid and you should examine why you feel tht his bigging himself up in front of his mates is more important to both of you than your long awaited holiday.

What exactly do you think is going I happen when you say 'sorry dad, I'm saving. I am not lending you money anymore'

I am probably sounding harsh - I don't wish to be mean but your situation is ridiculous.

BoysAreLikeDogs · 26/07/2013 15:08

Not a penny more

What a git, sponging off you

"No, that doesn't work for me" is perfectly acceptable. No apologies, no I am sorries. Just no. If you give a reason he will talk you round.

Inertia · 26/07/2013 15:18

So you are scrimping and going without so that your father can play the big man at the pub?

Stop lending him. And tell him now so that you can't be guilt tripped when he asks next time.

Inertia · 26/07/2013 15:19

lending to him...

EldritchCleavage · 26/07/2013 15:37

When you say 'lend', do you really mean give? Does he ever pay you back?

Don't wait for him to ask you again, send a note or ring him and say as kindly as you can manage that the situation has to end, you're going without to lend to him and you aren't going to do it any more (don't explain why, just tell him you're not giving him any more money). Then make sure that at the times he would usually ask you (week before payday or whatever) you are incommunicado.

cushtie335 · 26/07/2013 15:38

This is just 100% wrong. Does your Dad have an alcohol or gambling problem? Parents should never be sponging off their kids, it's a topsy turvy world he lives in if he thinks this is acceptable behaviour. You have to start distancing yourself from him, he's using you.

DeWe · 26/07/2013 15:39

I was in that situation. A friend whose financial situation suddenly changed, she was on her own with two small children (6 and 4). Said to her she could always ask to borrow money as long as she paid it back.

Started £5 her to buy food for the last few days of the month... soon we were up to £20 for shoes and such like. BUT because she knew she could come back the conversations were going along the lines of:
"Can I borrow £30 because B has grown out of her shoes-I can get some half price, but then I'll need to buy A a treat because he will be upset if his sister has new shoes and he doesn't."
Later that evening I'd get a phone call:
"Could I borrow the money again. You see we went to town and I saw a DVD that we all wanted to watch so I got that, and when we got home I thought it would be really nice to have a treat, so I got a bottle of wine and we ordered pizza in..."

Now if that had been a one off, I really wouldn't have minded. Everyone needs a treat, and she always paid the money back. But it started being quite frequent that I'd lend the money for a necessity and she'd buy a treat that we wouldn't get because it was too expensive, and then still need to get the necessity.

It got up to around £100- £150 a month she'd owe at the start of the month, and each month she owed more. We had enough savings to cover this without a problem, although it was a lot of money a month to spend out. But she always paid it back.

Then I realised that actually I wasn't helping her. Because she didn't need to think "oh, I would like that, but we haven't got the money" because she could always come back to me. And she was the sort of person who always thought good times were round the corner-interest free credit was another of her weaknesses-she'd go to get a cheap TV and come back with a huge flatscreen £750 job because she didn't have to pay for it until next year when of couse she'd have enough money.

So I started "not having enough money", she'd ask for £30 and I'd only have £20 in the house and not able to get more. That stopped her spending it when she didn't need to, as she then wasn't confident at getting more.

But what was really scary, was that a few years down the line after she'd moved away and wasn't borrowing any more, was in conversation with a group, it came out that she had been doing the same to several people. So the £100 she owed me each month was just the tip of the iceburg. In fact several of the group had basically written off quite big debts because they realised she wasn't going to be able pay.

julieann42 · 26/07/2013 15:39

If he was desperate for food etc I would help..but to to buy drinks for his mates..he has to learn. Say NO

Justforlaughs · 26/07/2013 15:41

YANBU, have a word to him about this holiday and just say that it's made you see that this situation has to stop now.

Bunraku · 26/07/2013 15:45

To answer the question, he does pay back as soon as he's paid, but then ends up borrowing again a week or two later.

I initially started the lending when my mum passed away as naturally he struggled a bit financially then and if he couldn't get to work it would just get silly, but he just won't let go of his lifestyle. I think he is being too proud in that he doesn't want to admit to his friends that he can't afford this generosity any more. I only lost the holiday as it was a last minute one but it just made me think that I had altered my plans because he cannot be sensible.

With the sense I've been given here, which I am grateful for, I think I will see about helping him budget and explaining to him that I can't keep missing out on things in my life.

OP posts:
cushtie335 · 26/07/2013 15:49

I'm glad you've taken on board that you're not the one in the wrong here and that your Dad has to address his problems, HIS problems, not yours. I feel terrible for you that you've had to give up your holiday for your Dad's selfishness, because that's what it is. He's being the "big man" down the pub on your shilling.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page