To want to leave him even though he doesn't beat me nor womanise

[Thruaglassdarkly]

I want to leave my husband. Have done for years. But he is not a bad man. He doesn't beat me nor womanise. He and I are just not good together. He undermines me constantly at home, making passive aggressive comments about almost everything about me. And before my extended family too....even though I have begged him not to. He has spent the last 17 years lecturing and hectoring me about one thing or another - I feel I married my dad - he is only 6 years older than me, but it feels like a generation. I am not perfect either - I complain about things he does around the house. We are a disaster - no shared humour, no sexual chemistry at all! I hate sex with him and always have.
I gave up my profession as a teacher to raise our kids and now I have no job nor no confidence to get one even. On anti depressants and regularly feel like I'd be better off dead than in this sham marriage - I am terrified my kids will be onto us before long and be affected by all of this. Parents died the other year, so not sure where or who to turn to...

Sorry for being pathetic and weak :(

To ask the I think obvious question, sorry, not meaning to be harsh at all - really not - but why have you stayed? You sound so unhappy, and you both clearly have so many opportunities in your futures to find real happiness. I bet your DCs would be happier too, it's no fun having miserable co-parents. Is it just financial? Did you hook up very young? Feel for you

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. I think you have been ground down over the years by someone making constantly snide remarks and undermining your confidence. And it certainly sounds like you would be much happier without him in your life.

Seriously - the fact that he doesn't knock you about or sleep around doesn't mean you should be feeling pathetically grateful that he is in your life. He sounds toxic. If you are a SAHM can you look at places like the local library to see if there are course you can take to update/gain new skills? It would boost your confidence. Perhaps look out for Teaching Assistant jobs? Getting back into the work place, even on a part time basis would give you some independence and hopefully the confidence to think about ending the relationship. I do think if you've wanted to go for years then the relationship is definitely over.

Hopefully others might have helpful suggestions. Didn't want you to think no one was listening! Good luck.

You're not being pathetic. It sounds like you have been worn down over time by an emotional abuser.

I wouldn't do anything impulsive. Start to make an exit plan. Do things to raise your confidence, look into training and possibly going back into work. If you're on anti-depressants your GP could probably refer you for counselling. Think about what you want and how to work towards it.

Actually, maybe make an appointment to see a solicitor first of all, find out how you would stand if you asked him for a divorce.

He sound like he has been emotionally abusing you, if you want to leave do so.

It will be hard but you can do it.

Also think of doing a refresher course to get back to the job you loved.

You are not pathetic or weak.
What is stopping you from leaving now?
Is it the practicalities, the dc?
Would it help you to get your thoughts in order?

You do not have to stay married to a man that belittles and eats away at your confidence - on purpose and knowing but not caring how it makes you feel, there's a name for people that do that.
Physical violence and infidelity are not the only bad things, plenty can happen that is different to or 'under" that threshold that are still unacceptable.
You hate having sex with him but have/do so - you don't have to do that.

You were a teacher, you have skills and you are an intelligent woman so don't do yourself down. Your confidence may be battered but it's still there underneath the grind of daily life.

Disregard all the 'shoulds', perceived obligations and guilt - what would you like to do, what would make you happy? Because that's the answer and end goal, the rest is just a case of negotiation. YANBU.

I'm sorry to hear about your parents and that you are feeling so alone. Did you want to move this thread to relationships?

Whoah loads of x posts, slow phone tonight!

Hi op, you are not pathetic. Losing your parents is not something I've experienced. I am dreading it and must have been a massive blow to you. I'm so sorry. Finding the strength to end your marriage whilst you are still grieving is going to be hard. But you deserve to have the life you want. And you can. You can go back to teaching. Or anything else you want to do. Don't have regrets op, but don't be so hard on yourself.

He may not beat you or womanise, but this relationship is damaging you in a far more insidious way. He may be an emotional abuser, or he may just be a man who is as dissatisfied with the relationship as you are whose feelings are being expressed by these comments and remarks. One thing I do know is that you will be happier on your own! It does seem almost insurmountable when you have kids to just up and leave, especially when your confidence and self esteem has been eroded over the years in a bad relationship, but your kids will already be on to you - they may not be able to say exactly what the problem is but they will know there is a problem. I have been where you are, staying in a damaging relationship because I was too scared to go it alone, 4 months ago I asked him to leave, 3 months ago he did leave and I can honestly say I'm much happier, I do miss him, and I miss the support with the kids, but on the whole my life is much better and much more settled. The kids have adjusted incredibly easily to the situation, and have shown no distress about the situation at all, they see their dad some days and they see me on other days.

OP can you take some small steps first to bolster your ego a bit. How about getting a part-time job even if it's only as a dinner lady or in a shop to start with so that you can start looking out and start getting some positive responses. I think that would be helpful in the short term so you can at least say "well no, I'm not useless, I did x today and have some of my own money in my own pocket as a result.

How old are your children? Relate as an early step?