To think being shy gets you nowhere in life?

[shinytoe]

I was cripplingly shy as a child/young adult, to the point of feeling stupid and unworthy for even daring to occupy the same social space as anyone else. I was, and still am to some extent, incredibly introverted.

I'm currently seeking a better job and imagining how I would act in an interview that demands a bit of blagging on my part. To me a lot of it does seem like it has to be a performance because I'm not naturally confident most of the time. If I continued to act as reserved and modest as I was a few years ago, I don't think I would ever have been employable, not made new friends and not even got together with DP.

I wouldn't have been able to talk about my achievements and skills openly.

I wouldn't have been able to ask for help when I needed it or express when I felt under pressure.

I wouldn't have been able to mix with colleagues. I'd miss out on valuable networking opportunities.

I wouldn't have been able to make the first move with men - or even get beyond the introduction. I couldn't do small talk or banter at all.

Worst of all, people would have likely viewed me as arrogant or stuck-up because I wouldn't engage with them.

It amazes me how I managed to get through 20 years of education (inc. post-grad) and no-one, not even once to my recollection, emphasised the importance of confidence and social skills for outside the academic sphere. I really hope schools and universities are now promoting these attributes, otherwise it seems that other shy young people don't stand a chance in most careers. I think it's amazing how much I've had to develop my social skills in the last decade just to get up to scratch with everyone else, and stand a chance at earning decent money. I've spoken to a couple of other friends who had similarly difficult adolescences (extended for far too long!) and they said the most steep learning curve in their first jobs has been developing these social niceties which have been mostly self-taught.

It just seems unfair that shy people are left to flounder and either we independently struggle and suffer seemingly endless mortifications on the path to confidence or end up in the less client-facing jobs (wonder if these tend to be paid less?)

Go on - AIBU?

No, YOU slow down.

Iam shy and have various social phobias.

It has ruined my life so YANBU

There's lots of things you do though, though, to teach social skills and confidence in children, so for example, at my children's school, every single child stands up and says something in class assembly, there's no shiny bright stars and ones at the back, everyone joins in. That's much better than in the old days.

As a parent, I've made a big effort to make sure my children are confident, perhaps I've overdone it! So, when they pay in a shop, I taught them to say thank you audibly and look at the person, none of this mumbling 'thanks' and running out. If we go out for a meal, you only get stuff if you ask for it yourself, politely, as someone up thread said, shyness is cute at 3, but much better to teach them to speak up clearly and politely for themselves than have adults answer for them. If they get asked a question 'how old are you?' 'do you like school?' I never answer, even if we have to wait half an hour for one! When one of mine was said she didn't know how to make friends, we talked about how you could get to be friends with someone (go and say 'hi my name's X, do you want to play Y?) They are in a local theatre group, in the choir, nothing big or where they are the star, but are used to standing on the stage or managing their slight nervousness.

They are naturally confident and outgoing but you still need to learn social niceties and social skills such as how to make friends/get rid of bullies/deal with a pushy person. I do get people remarking on their confidence now in relation to adults, but I hope they are not arrogant or overconfident, I also felt very self-conscious as a child and quite embarrassed by everything and only became very confident as an adult and wish I hadn't wasted so much time saying 'no' to stuff and generally hiding away.

You can develop these skills later in life though, my shyest friend from school who had a proper social phobia that was crippling now had a very outward facing client interaction job and is very good at it, but it probably took til her late twenties to crack the social phobia, or at least let it not rule her life.

Aw that's lovely Mumsyblouse. I hope I can inspire my DCs in the same way.

It'd be interesting to see why people think they became shy in the first place. For me I think it stems from my own parents who have confidence issues. With my Dad he over-compensated by being rude to people and brash and dealt with any anxiety by developing an alcohol problem, so that's obviously a crap coping mechanism. Plus he ignored me for years (despite being in the same house ) while he tried to deal with it. My Mum is the opposite, she gets anxious but it manifests more like mine - in depression and introversion.

I don't think it's just genetically inherited, I think a lot of it comes from upbringing. I constantly saw my parents acting 'weird' and just associated myself with that, I think, as I was an outgoing young child until family problems became apparent.

That doesn't explain children who are shy all the way from toddlerdom until adulthood, though, I guess.

I was very shy but as I gained more experience of life I gained confidence. It is something you have to work out for yourself, naturally. The very worst for me as a child was someone seeing it as a problem, someone drawing attention to it and - the worst of all- trying to get me out of my shell.

YADNBU, the same as ariane5, I've been held back too with shyness and social anxieties.
I was brought up to believe being confident was bigheaded and shinytoe your childhood sounds a bit like mine.

YANBU. I was ridiculously shy to the point that I did not know how to initiate conversations with people in my class at school at the age of 17 which was a constant cause of misery. I am better now - I can manage social situations for the most part although I will always remain an introvert. I had to pull myself up by my own bootstraps - no one gave me any help, which is unfortunate. I did well academically at school but of course, that's not enough to succeed in the real world - you have to put yourself out there too to gain opportunities. Nearly all my school reports said I was too quiet in class but the teachers never did anything practical to help. People used to tell me to be less shy - again, useless. My parents were pretty indifferent and did not see shyness for the problem that it is.

I can so relate to this. I don't think I'm naturally shy but growing up with two incredibly introverted parents who never socialised or interacted successfully when out and about meant I had no frame of reference for how to behave and this led to bullying and subsequent shyness. Incidentally I've become quite good at reading / working with people and do a lot of stakeholder stuff at work. I intend to make sure that my kids have a much better understanding of how to relate to people then I did

Oh FrancesFarmer that's so true! My secondary school reports constantly said I was doing well but I was too quiet - but with absolutely zero practical intervention.

My DP is shyer than I am now so I like to be patronising show him better body language, maintain eye contact, lean forward to show interest, slow down speech etc. which hopefully will help him at work too.

I feel like I totally had to learn all my social skills from scratch after going through that horrific period where I couldn't even talk to my 'friends' or family comfortably. I remember often wondering why the hell people said 'how are you' and hugged hello and so on as I found it all so fake and weird - I had thought patterns then which much be similar to those with Asperger's so I feel like I can really relate to children who struggle with social norms.

Now I've sort of found my 'voice' and smile and can 'how are you' with the best of them. But my god, it's not something I was taught the importance of from a young age, and I want better for my own DC's.

Read 'Quiet' by Susan Cain

Great book about those who shout loudest not always being right!

Ablababla, my parents stopped socialising when I was about 7 (maybe this is when my Dad's social problems and my Mum's depression were rearing their head?) and I wasn't allowed to invite friends over either (not that I would have wanted to). This fully explains my shyness, I think.

On the other hand, my DP's parents are very sociable (though his Dad is rather quiet, like him) and constantly have friends over with the very best of naice conversation. A complete contrast to my own upbringing, yet he's still shy and only just waking up to how networking and assertiveness etc. will help him find a job. So it must be something other than his parents' example which has knocked his self-esteem.

Try being shy and suffering from excessively sweaty hands (especially in this weather). I'm talking about a medical condition, not just feeling slightly clammy when you get nervous.

Socialising at places like weddings where there is lots of hand-shaking is a nightmare, and makes my shyness worse. I am first at the bar for some alcohol to overcompensate which helps with both my sweaty hands and the shyness, but it's not always appropriate in some situations! Ie job interviews and funerals!!

I was very shy at secondary only spoke to a few close friends
When i got realised i had to open up abit to make friends
I am still quiet now alot better than i was dont enjoy social situations glad i have managed to come out of myself i hv a job that involves chatting

I agree with the OP. A lot of my shyness was not knowing how to deal with different situations due to youth and inexperience. I must have always had some underlying confidence though as I didn't shy away from putting myself outside my comfort zone. I don't think anyone has described me as shy for years and years now. Though I did still lack confidence in my ability in my last job somewhat.

I think shyness and low self esteem has definitely held me back in my career. I can't imagine having a public facing role or something where I'd have to go to meetings or meet new people every day. But to progress in my career I'd have to do that.

Having said that, i'm A LOT less shy than I was as a child. I was so insecure and never put my hand up in class, dropped out of A-level English because it involved a lot of speaking in front of people. Every school report said I was really good academically but I was too shy. I actually managed to go out with a boy at school for a month without actually speaking to him!
Now I've shy isn't a bad thing. t at taking one to one

Not sure what happened to that last sentence! I've come to realise being shy isn't a bad thing and if everyone was outgoing it'd be a nightmare. I'm much better than I was in one to one situations too.

I do worry about my DCs though, they're both very shy and I try to encourage then to speak up but at the same time I know how hard it is, and I know how awful I used to feel if my mum tried to get me to speak up and make eye context with people and I just couldn't do it.

I like the morrissey references!

This describes me to a tee. I think most of the other school mums must think im stuck up because I never talk to them, but its just my shyness, if they spoke to me first id talk the hind legs off a donkey. I feel like I would like to talk to x's mum but then think, what if she doesnt want to talk to me? Like I shouldnt put her in the position of having to talk to me iykwim?

I also got pretty good grades at school, but didn't have the nerves to go to the college open day/sign up. I only got my only job as a family friend worked there and interviewed me.

I also tend to overthink everything I said to someone. For example I went to my cousins (who I see maybe once a year) bbq and when I got home after I was analysing everything I'd said and done incase it was offensive or just daft.

Since having kids im a bit better as I do have to speak up for them sometimes and I also run a small business but I have to psyche myself up to speak to the customers. Id love to do a college course but cant face 1 to 1s or incase I have to speak in class.

If anyone has any tips on how to overcome it id love to hear it.

I'm quite shy but have very good self esteem.

In fact I would say that in very sociable situations I just can't be bothered to converse with zillions of people. I prefer 1 on 1 or small groups of people I already know.

Maybe I am introverted not shy. Shyness is only a problem if you are uncomfortable in yourself.

They don't always go together. I was very shy as a child, but my self esteem was fine.

I have always found it very easy to get jobs and do interviews. That's because I have a lot of qualifications tbh even though I am 'shy' on a personal level.

Keep Buggering On Tilly, it sounds like you are doing the right thing. Keep challenging yourself with new situations. Soon they will be familiar and unchallenging. Preparation really helps too.

One of my faults used to be to talk about myself too much, just due to lack of social skills really and spending too much time in my own head. I still do it sometimes but usually pull myself up. I have to actually tell myself "Ask them some questions now!"

Sometimes it's just a case of asking a reciprocal question ."And you?" Or thinking of what you can ask them next while they are talking. Lots of open questions.

Also remember the other person may be shy/uncomfortable as well. I'm getting much better at spotting that now.

I