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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that working mums are lucky for dont have to arrange or go to playdates?

61 replies

Summernow · 24/07/2013 22:53

My DD is 3 and is my only child and despite going to nursery every day I feel ver gilty for dont socialize more and provide more playdates for her...the point is... for me is very difficult to spend some hours with stranges trying to have a good time, its not natural, they are not my friends, Im there only for my child and I want to run away sometimes arghhh ... What else should I do socialize her that dont involve aranged playdates?

OP posts:

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 25/07/2013 08:49

I'm a part time working mum (although on maternity leave at the moment) so a foot in both camps.

In work there are people called colleagues that I spend large amounts of enforced time with and who I share information and ideas with in order to help me do my job better. Sometimes a colleague becames a friend which is really nice.

And during my days off.... Well see above.

Either way cake is usually involved.

Bumblequeen · 25/07/2013 08:57

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at poster's request.

quesadilla · 25/07/2013 09:39

I work full time and beat myself up about not doing enough social stuff with my dd so I am envious of this -- and trust me, working five days when you have a toddler is no bed of roses.

But that aside, it sounds like you may have anxiety issues if you hate it that much. I am less concerned about your dd - she will make friends naturally at play group. But it sounds like you have social phobia and it would really help you and your dd if you dealt with this. Have you thought about having counselling?

Ragwort · 25/07/2013 09:48

Tend to agree with quesadillia (and others) - you need to explore why you find it so hard to chat to other people, it is far more likely that you may pass on your social inhibitions to your DD through this rather than not 'organising playdates'. Social interaction with other people is key to so many aspects of life.

Having a wide circle of friends & being involved in your local community is constantly one of the key factors in 'happiness' surveys (yes, I know that sounds trite .

Original poster

Summernow · 25/07/2013 10:30

Im not very social person and admire those who post that is "just" sit and talk, for me it is difficult. Im more the kind of loyal forever friend of few...but cant maintain small talks easily...I fell pressure about it because I can see that girls that go playdates together are bestfriends at the nursery and Im afraid that DD can be excluded...

OP posts:

amessagetoyouYoni · 25/07/2013 10:35

Just dont do it.

I was a SAHM after my first child was born and until he was about 3.5 yrs old. I found toddler groups, play dates and all the forced joviality around 'getting the kids together' really fucking dull. The point of these social agtehrrings is really for the parents to have some company, isnt it? So if you dont enjoy it, just dont do it!

Went back to work shortly after second DC was born and didnt do any of that malarkey. I was so much happier. She is a sociable child, loves nursery and is about to start school, where she will make some 'real' friends, undoubtedly. Then I might make the effort to have them over sometimes and vice versa.

We arent all cut from the same cloth and I dont think you are somehow deficient for not wanting to hang out with people you dont have much in common with.

redskyatnight · 25/07/2013 10:39

Actually you have entirely the wrong end of the stick.

If you want to organise playdates (and as others have said you don't have to) you have the luxury of being able to do them anytime if you're a SAHM. Much harder to fit in when you are a working mum and you tend to want to either spend time with your DC by themselves and/or get on with dull but necessary jobs.

Aside from our family holiday I have 4 days off work this summer. Three of them will be spent hosting playdates - because the DC want to see their friends. That's almost all my leave with other people's children.

TheSurgeonsMate · 25/07/2013 10:42

The flipside is, I'm hardly ever there when dd is busily learning all this social interaction stuff at nursery, so if I ever do have to supervise two kids together I'm totally out of my depth. DH seems to instinctively feel it's all about making your own child pass stuff over to the other one, I'm not so sure...

peteypiranha · 25/07/2013 12:20

I work 48 hours a week and dh works 40, and we still take our children on playdates and have their friends round. Why on earth wouldnt working parents do this? They are only strangers when you first meet them I am friends with lots of parents I have met at school/nursery wherever.

TantrumsAndBalloons · 25/07/2013 12:30

For one thing, playdate is the most ridiculous expression ever.

And I have worked full time since dd was 6 months old but all 3 of my children have had friends round after school, at weekends and in the holidays. They have been to their friends houses as well.

If you don't want to take your child to a friends house and sit there and talk to the other parent, then just don't do it.
Wait til they are older and then just drop and run.

I don't see what the problem is tbh, you don't really have to "socialise" children IMO.
They go to nursery, to school, make friends.

As you as you are not hiding them under a rock with no contact with any other person ever, I think "play dates" are optional.

And really, working has nothing to do with it, does it.

AnnabelleLee · 25/07/2013 12:33

SAHM don't have to either.There's no law saying you must I'd rather gouge out my eyes with a rusty spoon

pommedechocolat · 25/07/2013 12:34

Colleagues??

Nothing to do with working!

I work and do playdates. Both are sometimes great and sometimes rubbish.

pommedechocolat · 25/07/2013 12:36

On a more serious note I think that it is important for kids to feel part of a community and to see their parents being 'anchored' in a community. This can be achieved in a million ways, playdates is just one.

Crinkle77 · 25/07/2013 12:39

Most working parents would probably love to arrange more play dates but instead feel guilty that they have to go to work so you are in a fortunate position. Anyway you don't have to arrange play dates all the time. As others have said she already goes to nursery and will be socialising there. She does not have to be entertained all day everyday surely. Sometimes it is good for them to play on their own and learn to amuse themselves.

quesadilla · 25/07/2013 12:43

I think you would be surprised to learn how many people feel as you do...

It's not unusual at all to find this difficult. I hope understanding this will help you to some extent.

I wouldn't force yourself to do stuff you aren't comfortable with for your daughter's sake. She will make friends in her own time.

But the best thing you can do for her in the long run is to feel as good as you can about yourself so you can set her a good example. So worth trying to focus on what it is about these things that makes you feel uncomfortable and see if you can work on it a bit.

hamab · 25/07/2013 12:46

When I was at home with a 3 year old in the holidays it was really hard to fill the time. It's one thing if they've got a sibling to play with but if they haven't the days can seem very long. I'm not terribly sociable and found it really hard to approach people to ask them to come round. The way I got round it was to just join things - swimming club, gym club - whatever's going on, just go the library, go to the park - just have one thing to do every day where they have the opportunity to mix with other dc.

For me, now I work part-time the holidays are a lot easier. Mine goes to a childminder every morning so I don't feel I have to provide as much entertainment/company.

As for the best friends thing - yes at first they do tend to cling to friends they know but after a while they start choosing their own friends. Once they're at school they just tell you who they'd like to have home to play and it's pretty easy to arrange. And mostly they'll just drop and go.

Daydream007 · 25/07/2013 12:49

When I was on maternity leave I could go to lots of playdates any time,any day, as and when I chose. But unfortunately I have to work now, so all our playdates have to be scheduled for when I can have a day off work as things are so hectic by the time I get in from work, it's make tea,eat tea,bath,quick play, bedtime story!
I miss having the time for impromtu playdates, now everything has to be planned and squeezed in! I miss the freedom that maternity leave gave me and I loved playdates and envy SAHM's who can go on them whenever they wish!

kungfupannda · 25/07/2013 12:51

Presumably you're in exactly the same situation as "working mums", since your daughter is at nursery every day, and can't therefore have playdates during the working week?

So the times you might be asked to arrange one is limited to evenings and weekends.

In which case I don't really see what the relevance of working/not working is.

If you don't want to do them, don't do them. They're not obligatory. But as she grows up, it is likely that she's going to want friends round, or to go round to their houses, so it's probably worth trying to push yourself into it. Perhaps meet at a park or an activity, so that there's less pressure.

Mumsyblouse · 25/07/2013 12:53

Age 3 I don't think it is a big deal, they are still at the 'play alongside' stage of things and nursery is more than enough socializing unless you enjoy it. As others have said, as they get older, they may want to go to a friend's house for tea and hopefully that won't be an issue for you as you can drop and run. If your child is in nursery/school then to a large extent they are socializing and it's then up to you how much you do out of school- in our case it is a small but fun amount of after-school meet-ups but I can't do that many as working hours mean I can't always pick up/drop off other children if mine are going to afterschool club.

They can also go to groups (Browines, ballet, craft) to make friends, you don't have to be that involved if you really don't like it.

nextphase · 25/07/2013 13:03

DS1 (aged 4) has announced he is marrying one of the girls from nursery. She has never been to our house. Neither have we had a play date except for occasionaly birthday parties we are all invited to.

They will choose their own friends, and if they want to spend time with someone, they will - be it at school, or in the park.

Relax. |Doesn't sound like there is anything wrong with either of you.

Helltotheno · 25/07/2013 13:04

it is important for kids to feel part of a community and to see their parents being 'anchored' in a community.

There's really a lot of truth in this and I feel very sad when posters say they have absolutely no friends and are alone with their small child. WOHM / SAMH isn't at all the issue here. It's very important for everyone, DC or no DC, to have some involvement in the community ime.

OP is English your second language? It's much harder then obviously but do persevere and try and build up some friendships. Invite kids over for a couple of hours at the weekend! Mainly they rub along just fine. I can only think of one or two occasions when I had to intervene due to the DC not clicking with a particular child or whatever.

What about getting involved in an organisations where kids are welcome at events you have to help out at etc? Doing something in the community?

Original poster

Summernow · 25/07/2013 13:52

Yes, english is my second language (as probably everyone noticed ..
I like the idea of community activities, but have no idea where to start..

OP posts:

cushtie335 · 25/07/2013 13:59

I only stayed for a coffee and a chat with the Mums that I got on really well with, dd is 16 now and ds is 12 and I still have some very good friendships from that time, even though my DCs don't necessarily still hang around with the school friends from back then.

One Mum asked me to stay for coffee whilst the kids "played"..more like her beeatch of a dd hitting my dd and being generally awful to her whilst she continually "justified" this horrible behaviour because her dd was tired/unwell or whatever. It was excruciating. The tin lid was when I browsed her CD collection when she was out of the room and discovered that she had about 90 Michael Bolton albums. It was clear we were never going to be friends and neither were our dcs :)

Helltotheno · 25/07/2013 14:10

You have great English OP! I only noticed because I used to do some TEFL. But I've also been in that scenario (not with DC though) where you're trying to keep up with small talk in a different language, and dialects etc. It's bloody hard, even for someone with a great command of the lingo.

When my DC were small, I got involved a 'family support' type organisation that had various different things available for all strands of society (elderly, new mums, anyone experiencing any other family difficulty etc). It was really fun organising stuff and I got to know lots of people through it, and could often bring the DC along. Maybe there's something like that where you are?

Other people might have different suggestions....

DuelingFanjo · 25/07/2013 14:15

"I like the idea of community activities, but have no idea where to start."

This^ I feel the same.

presumably one of those outgoing people who are involved with the community could be doing something to get you/me involved?

Ragwort said "you need to explore why you find it so hard to chat to other people, it is far more likely that you may pass on your social inhibitions to your DD through this rather than not 'organising playdates'. Social interaction with other people is key to so many aspects of life.
Having a wide circle of friends & being involved in your local community is constantly one of the key factors in 'happiness' surveys (yes, I know that sounds trite"

So I wonder, if there are people in my street and community doing stuff and being very community minded but who have somehow neglected to include me in their community spiritedness?

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