Posting here because of the traffic, because of all of the support (no seriously) AIBU has given me over the years under different usernames, and because I know that a lot of people here have MH issues.
I have suffered from anxiety, depression, low self esteem all my adult life and for most of my adolescence. (Am 30 now, BTW).
About nine months ago, I realised I couldn't carry on any longer as I was and took things in hand. I had tried ADs and counselling before, to no avail.
Nine months on, I am not a different person. But the person I see in the mirror is much closer to the person others see. Life isn't just worth living, it is precious and joyful. I don't go through every day feeling like I am shit and that something has an iron grip around my diaphragm and that my world is about to collapse around me.
I know that it is very difficult for people who have experienced what I have to believe this is possible, especially if - like me - they have had bad experiences on ADs and with counselling.
What made the difference for me?
Firstly, it was getting CBT. Proper, 22 sessions (on the NHS - thank you!) with a highly trained counsellor. Not three sessions with someone who'd read the same books I had. When I started, I was deeply cynical. I saw it as telling myself one set of lies to replace another. When done properly, it really, really isn't. I have had other forms of counselling and none match up. I am not saying that it is the sole answer, but it helps, massively.
Second, it was wanting to get better. I don't just mean abstractly thinking it would be nice not to have my issues, but making the changes in my life neccessary to do so. Chief amongst these was actually doing the CBT homework - several times a day every day. Checking in with myself several times a day, realising that anxious predictions are usually false, that crossing a bridge or doing that report at work is actually much less awful than you think it is going to be. Crucially - writing that down, so that even on your worst days you can help train yourself out of horrible thought pathways.
Alongside that meant proper taking care of myself. So I stopped drinking for three months. I made sure I had breakfast. I kept to a basic, but proper routine (up at this time, breakfast now, bath now, read now, bed now). I had no idea how helpful this would be until I began it - it is really amazing how cutting out certain decisions eg no I am not going to sit on the sofa all night, because tonight is my night for doing the washing, actually helps.
Lastly, I agreed to try ADs again. I am on a relatively low dose (20 mg) of Citalopram. This helped, not just in lifting me, but in giving me the impetus to do all the things above. I was terrified after previous experiences of trying ADs again. But this time they worked. Make sure you check in regularly with your GP, and know that - as with me - the fact that some didn;t work or had a bad effect doesn't mean they all will.
No one thing on my list is a silver bullet. Getting out of a dark dark place has taken months of hard work. But I am getting there. And it is absolutely worth it. Once you have a few months of "regular" life behind you, it becomes much easier to appreciate that anxiety and depression needn't determine everything.
I know that what I am writing here won't resonate with everybody. But I do know that when you are in that dark, dark place it is difficult to believe you will ever get better. I also know - from personal experience - how closely correlated anxiety and depression and low self esteem are. For years, I thought my issue was depression. I now understand that my real issue is anxiety - and that sometimes slides into depression. Understanding this has enabled me to tackle the more underlying problem and improve my wellbeing long term.
Not sure really what the purpose of this is, other than to send a tiny bit of good news and light to anybody who needs it.