to have zero tolerance on violence?

[Fourwillies]

I have 3 boys, the eldest is only 5. There are sometimes scuffles at home and at school and I always say if someone hurts you come and tell me and I will deal with it. Some of the parents at school are of the "hit him back" school of thought. I've pointed out that with my three boys if I said that, there would be nearly constant scuffles and the biggest boy would probably win every time. AIBU?

I have 3 boys too. They're 21yrs, 14yrs and 10yrs old.

The 'come and tell me' works when they're little, but there comes a time when they have to defend themselves.

I think I might agree but with mine being as little as they are, if a two year old thumps the five year old, I'd rather he didn't hit him back. I think there's a difference between self defence and "hit him back" theory.

Oh yes definitely, I agree with that.

I can't remember how old they were when explained self defence...but one of the things we covered was that if you don't have to hit someone (i.e. much smaller than you) then don't. Just walk away and tell them to leave you alone.

When they got older, we taught them that if someone was hitting/choking them etc...to give them a good hard shove and put them on their arse.

I like the pointing out the biggest one would always win (although maybe not stress this too him too much!!)

I don't believe the time comes when boys do have to fight in the home (or indeed anywhere). My parents were very strict about this. All my three brothers have grown up into successful adults. They haven't done much fighting outside the home either come to think of it. Schools usually have a no fighting policy and will not accept self defence either: their take is that you are supposed to tell a teacher.

It's not necessarily true about the biggest one always winning though.

I've known some very big bullies who have burst into tears when someone fronts them out or hits them back.

Come and tell me is a great theory, and worth maintaining at home. But as they get older, it's worth them knowing it's okay to stand up for themselves if they are being injured by someone else, IMO.

I don't accept any kind of violence in the home at all.

cory can you imagine a 14/15yr old having the shit kicked out of him in the playground. Is he supposed to put up with it until he can go and tell a teacher?

He could have lost most of his teeth by then...

I agree with what Worra said.

I took on some significantly larger bullies as a kid (not at the same time) because I was a scrappy little sod feisty. They were invariably shocked they were challenged.

But no OP Yanbu to discourage violence.

I also have 3 boys. Who are were big for their age.

My Line was that you never ever start a fight, even a play fight. But, if someone starts a fight with you who is not related, you defend yourself and tell someone as soon as possible.

Worked for us

There is a pecking order to life. Best they learn if isn't fair from a young age.

Do you quash that totally normal scuffle/wresting little boys do between themselves?

BTW "Dont hit first, hit hardest" is my mantra.

I was raised to "hit back". And I did. As a child.

When I was punched in the face last year by a friend my instinct was to cry.

I think it concerns me that what I'm saying is at odds with the other parents so if there's a bit of a scuffle is be on my boy for hitting whereas they'd be (to my mind) encouraging the fight.

You're always going to be at odds with other parents though...always and about everything you can think of.

People parent differently and that's a fact.