To not see my DB more often

[singinrain]

Have name changed! Myself, DH and DCs live overseas. DB moved to same place and lives 15 min drive away.

We can go weeks without speaking or seeing each other. Whilst growing up, we didn't hang out or have the same friends. There is a 3 year age gap and whilst we are not close, we get on and we both know we are there for each other. Before leaving UK I lived 2 hours away from the rest of my family.

So spoke to DM on Skype last night (she is in UK) and she mentioned that me and DB should speak more often, I got the 'just give him a call' 'see how he is'. DB is married, no kids. I told DM that haven't had a chance and all is good. DM went on and on about how she wants us to be close and no animosity! I said there isn't any. We are just busy with our own lives! But she kept going on until I asked if DB had mentioned something.....and he has!

Bit of background.....since beginning of year DD has been pretty ill, with overnight stays in hospital and at moment 1 weekly appointment and 1 fortnightly appointment but she is doing ok and still getting on with life. We have to do specific exercises every night for her which I have to be involved in. I also work 2 part time jobs and take care of household stuff including cooking/cleaning/washing. Both DCs have homework each night and I still have to help DS with his. The bottom line is the nights I'm not working, by the time finished doing everything I just want to fall on the sofa and do nothing. Similarly weekends are spent ferrying kids around to friends/ parties/ and sport. Also the fortnightly appointment for DD is an hours drive away on a Saturday. So that takes at least 3 hours out of our day.

So when DM said this I got a bit upset. we have had so much stress with what's going on that I couldn't believe it. The last time I spoke to DB was just over 2 weeks ago and all was fine. I must admit that he does usually comes to visit us than vice versa.

So how often do you see/speak to your siblings and am I BU and i suppose i should make the effort to call once a week? It's just that I thought our relationship was fine as it was.

Hmph, it all sounds fine to me with you and db. He has more time on his hands than you too so is she saying the same thing to him? You dm probably just wants you to keep the family stuff and it isn't always like that. Life is busy. Especially for you.

Aw, you all sound caring for each other and no problem. Dm's just fretting and thinking you might need each other more, when really you are all just fine how it is?

Does that make any sense?

My dsis (older than me with 5 dc's) moved near me and I mean a half hour walk, a few minutes drive, sometimes we don't see each other for weeks on end! There's no problem between us though. That's just how it works. We're busy! And adore each other.

I live nearby to my DB, but see him maybe 3 or 4 times a year. It's not an issue to either of us.

My DF lives overseas, and he gets worked up by the fact that we don't live in each others pockets (me and DB). We have separate lives. I don't see that much of DM or Dsis really either.

Your DM sounds just worried that she can't be there to have contact with you, and wants you to look after each other?

YANBU. It it works for you - then no problem.

I live about two miles away from db and dsis and haven't seen either of them for a few years. We haven't fell out we just aren't close and never were really. Another sis lives a mile away and I haven't seen or spoken to her in 20 plus years but we dislike each other and then another db and ds who live about three hours away we send Christmas and birthday cards and that's about it really we don't see or speak on the phone.
We used to speak more when our parents were alive but since df died there has never seemed to be a reason to be in touch. Have to say I don't miss any of them and wouldn't think to call them in an emergency I'd call my friends instead.

Thanks for the reassurance and your replies.

Apparently DB is upset that I don't make more of an effort. DM didn't want to tell me over Skype but was going to talk to me about it when she comes to visit in October, however I forced the issue by asking if DB had said something to her. I got the feeling he had said something by the way she wouldn't let my "we are fine" be enough.

I am upset that he is upset! I thought we were fine just going along as we were. Seriously haven't got the time or energy a t the moment, and feel he could be a bit more understanding.

and what's wrong with dB making more of an effort instead of crying to mummy. can he not call you or visit? especially given your circumstances.

Parents worry, if a sibling relationship drifts, you won't have anyone to lean on and share memories with when they (the parent) dies.

Out of curiosity - how often does your DB ring you? mine rarely does unless he wants something I phone him every couple of months and he will visit once or twice a year.

Your brother should grow up! You obviously have a lot on your plate, share your dish with him and ask him to be more involved with your family. My brother would get an earful from me for going to mummy though, that'd be my opening line, he's not 5 years old.
Having said that, I would pick up the phone and ask him to take your other children on a friday for a treat night, come back to yours on sat after finishing with DD appointment, have a big family meal and crack a few beers.

Oh, to answer your question, we talk weekly/every other week. Don't tell mum though, she would fish for info on each other.

Is contact usually initiated by you or your db? If he is doing all the ringing and visiting then I think you should probably make a bit more of an effort.

Your mum might be creating all this.

My mother used to do this. She was an only child who would have loved a sister so went to a lot of trouble to give me one.

My sister and I live 20 minutes walk from each other but probably only meet every couple of months. We both work, have children and busy lives. We each know that we are only a phone call away and would do anything for the other if necessary. We have always supported each other at difficult times. I think this is what siblings are for. Not to live in each others pockets.

I would call your brother and ask him what it it he wants.

I think a lot of replies are quite harsh towards DB.

If he makes the effort usually with ringing and visiting he might feel like if he stopped you wouldn't bother and things would drift.

OP whatnot try to make a bit of an effort to make him seem valued to you? A call every now and then, a text (v easy!) or just pop round on the way back from the shops or something.

He might have mentioned something casually and your mum may have put more emphasis and spin on it because she doesn't want any issues to develop. He probably doesn't know she's said anything to you and wouldn't have wanted her to say anything.

Maybe you need to be open with him and tell him that things are tough and you realise you arent going over to him so much but appreciate him coming to see you because things are a juggle at the moment. He may not realise quite how much of a challenge things are for you, as he doesnt have kids and very tough when one of your children is unwell and needs ongoing support, hope she is fully recovered soon.

are you me op? :( I have had years of shit like this from my mother.

The replies have made me chuckle, my first thought was you are a grown man, why are you crying to mummy?!

We both probably call each other about the same amount, and I always call /text to remind him of family birthdays. But he is the one that visits us and I should probably try and pop in more often. I will call this week to say hi. he can then report back to DM!

I thought he understood how tough things are at the moment but you are right, with no kids they may not understand.

Thanks everyone