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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it just me who is always terrified of intruders in my home?

31 replies

AnneNonimous · 24/07/2013 00:37

I moved out of my parents into my first flat of my own with DS in January. Since I moved every night I have been terrified of someone breaking in. I have had very bad depression and anxiety issues in the past and the stress of moving has seen me go back into anti depressants.

But I am still laying awake for hours at night listening out for noises. I am still checking all rooms about 5 times before I can go to sleep. I don't want any windows open so I have been so hot in this weather.

Does this sound like normal behaviour? Do I need help or could it even be that the flat is the problem? It's not exactly a fantastic area but I've also heard of some people never being able to settle in certain homes.

I've never been broken into anywhere I've lived so no issues from past experiences.

I am miserable and just want to feel safe in my own home.

Sorry if I'm rambling I haven't spoken to anyone about this in RL

OP posts:
Bringmewineandcake · 24/07/2013 00:39

No, not just you. Not sure I have any helpful suggestions of how to get over it though so can I give you a Brew instead?

SirBoobAlot · 24/07/2013 00:40

I don't think it's 'normal' behavior, but I do exactly the same thing. It's horrible, and you have my uttermost sympathies.

Have you had access to any therapy to go along with medications?

deepfriedsage · 24/07/2013 00:41

Is it a ground floor flat? Do you mids company?

Original poster
AnneNonimous · 24/07/2013 00:42

sirboobalot (great name) I have in the past when I was a lot younger and it wasn't very effective but I don't think I was ready for it at the time. Now that I am I'm not sure how I could make it work as I am a lone parent to young DS and don't really have anyone to watch him

OP posts:
AnnabelleLee · 24/07/2013 00:43

its really very unlikely though.

Original poster
AnneNonimous · 24/07/2013 00:44

deepfried it is first floor which makes it a bit sillier as it would be pretty hard to break into. Although I've gotten it into my head that DS's room would be easiest to break into (which would include tight roping across a really high fence and climbing onto downstairs roof lol)

OP posts:
SirBoobAlot · 24/07/2013 00:47

It might be worth speaking to your GP about options. There might be more possibilities available in your area than you think.

Are you just on ADs or anti anxiety meds as well?

Original poster
AnneNonimous · 24/07/2013 00:49

Just ADs although a lower dosage than I was on before I got pregnant so I guess I could look at going back to the higher dosage.

OP posts:
thornrose · 24/07/2013 00:53

I have felt like you and it's hard to fight those feelings. I got tough with myself and did a bit of "self" CBT.

I repeated to myself that worrying doesn't stop it from happening. I checked the entire flat once and didn't allow myself to check again. I reminded myself that it is rare and unusual and that most intruders are opportunist burglars and they do not want to be caught, just to get out if disturbed.

You've only lived alone for 7 months, it took me ages to get used it. You will gradually adjust.

SirBoobAlot · 24/07/2013 00:58

Thornrose is right in that it takes a long time to get used to it... I've lived alone (well, with DS) for over 2.5 years now. It's easier than it was, but still weird at times.

Ginocchio · 24/07/2013 02:50

What about putting some (gentle) music on at night?

Whenever I have moved into somewhere new, it's always taken me a while to get used to all the (perfectly normal) sounds that you can hear at night - the boiler clicking, some floorboards creaking as they settle back into place, the noises from the street. A bit of music might help you to not focus on them so much?

AdoraBell · 24/07/2013 03:14

Moving is always a very stressful event, even without previous history of anxiety. My OH cannot sleep if he's alone, that's Due to the way he was raísed. I was okay until we had a rather large earthquake (abroad). Definitely a good idea to speak to GP about anxiety. Try relaxing música as suggested by Ginochio, do you have some kind of winding down routine before Bed?

cheeseandbiscuitsplease · 24/07/2013 05:21

I sometimes leave the radio on all night when my dh is on nights and I'm feeling anxious. Radio 2. Lots of chat. You feel you are with friends once you become a regular listener :) it's not a nice feeling to be scared at night and I hope it passes soon and you settle better.

KeatsiePie · 24/07/2013 05:51

I sympathize too, I also can get like this. I think as thornrose said giving yourself a little routine of doing a safety check and then stopping might help -- windows, doors, car keys here, phone here. And then maybe read in bed until you fall asleep, or watch some tv on the laptop, if you have one?

FadBook · 24/07/2013 06:03

I was going to suggest a self defence class or similar. Something to build your confidence if there was an intruder and to pick up tips on how to protect your home (would the police offer something similar? A local community officer may be the person to talk to who could help you securing your home adequately).

Cbt counselling may help you to work why there is an anxiety or fear about this and help rationalise it.

I think it is 'normal' and healthy to plan a worst case scenario if someone entered you home (or if there was a fire) but it shouldn't be consuming you life the way it currently is.

Hope you find resolution

KeatsiePie · 24/07/2013 06:07

I was thinking a self-defence class too! I will be taking one in the fall myself. Also, don't know if you have this kind of course where you are, but here the police stations offer free seminars on how to best protect yourself in various emergency situations.

HenWithAttitude · 24/07/2013 06:14

Years ago I used to feel like this. Having lived alone (without another adult) for most of my life now, I have got to the point where my rational brain recognises its not a risk. Every so often I'll wake to a noise or worse the bloody dog will ...and give me a warning bark and growl!!!!! I find it hard to relax if he is hackles on end growling at an imaginary intruder.

So my top tip is don't get a dog!

I think someone else mentioned CBT but I agree its about retraining your brain away from building up a natural concern to something out of proportion with the risk. I'd hesitate with self defence in case they reinforce your feeling that you need them rather than the feeling that you are safe

LookingForwardToMarch · 24/07/2013 06:14

I used to barricade myself in the bedroom with dd when dp first started doing 24hr shifts.

I would move furniture to shove against the door, leave all the lights on and take a hammer to bed with us! Blush

Then one day I thought I don't want dd remembering this (5 and a half months old now)

So one night I just went to bed like a normal person, and it got easier each night Grin

Just try to push yourself to fake acting 'normally' and it will happen by itself.

(Although there is a hammer under my bed, you know, just incase)

TroublesomeEx · 24/07/2013 06:16

I stopped myself from excessive checking by talking/singing through each room that I checked and then when I worried about it I recalled myself talking/singing the check. The singing calmed me down and I just made sure I listened to the 'intellectual' side of myself telling me that I'd already checked, it was fine and there was nothing more I could do.

I did worry when I moved into a place with my DS on my own, but now I don't give it a second thought.

I leave the radio on all night too because I find the silence very oppressive and it makes me feel anxious.

Relaxedandhappyperson · 24/07/2013 06:57

Get window locks if you've not got them, to reassure you and make it harder for a casual intruder.

You will get used to it and less anxious as you are safe for longer and longer.

Montybojangles · 24/07/2013 07:02

I'm the same when OH is away. I find that having the tv or music on low helps.

Remember that intruders will generally take the easy option, so far less likely to involve gymnastics to break into a flat.

Are you allowed pets? Sounds odd, but having a cat made me feel less alone (now have a dopey dog).

ImNotCute · 24/07/2013 07:34

If you wanted them to I'm sure someone from your local police would be happy to do a home security check, might that reassure you? We had one after we had a minor break-in and they gave us a few tips (we were only broken into because my handbag was visible through a ground floor window, so it was very preventable if we'd thought about it).

ArtemisatBrauron · 24/07/2013 07:47

not just you... I am very anxious about this even when DH is with me. I check the door every night even when I know it is locked and frequently wake up in the night sure there are people in the house. I also have nightmares where there are people in the room and try to convince DH of this in my sleep!
I think it's something that goes with being anxious (I am quite an anxious person) but I have never looked into CBT or anything.

I can sleep with the window open now our bedroom is on an upper floor but when we had a ground floor flat there was NO WAY I could have done that.

thornrose · 25/07/2013 00:58

AnneNonimous - hope you're ok and not anxious tonight.

gail734 · 25/07/2013 01:06

My husband is like this - has at least mild OCD and grew up in a street in which a neighbour caught a burglar in the process of burgling the house. This one anecdote has bothered him for thirty years! I maintain that burglary is a crime of the past. We certainly have nothing worth nicking!