to tell this mother either follow through with the threat or please leave ?!

[BadSpeakingSkills]

Eldest DC has just started a gymnastics class, space for 10 but only 5 in there at the moment.

4 children in the class (including my DC) love it and get on with the activities. One mother brings her child and it NEVER joins in, it runs around jumping on the items, equipment or just messes about trying to entice the other children to play. My DC is easily led and a few times I've seen him just about to get up and join in with this child. But a quick "No - listen to the teacher please." stops him and he gets involved again. The teacher has pulled off equipment a few times and said "You either join in or you have to stay over there, it's not safe." Child just screams and wriggles out his grip.

The mother keeps saying "You join in or we put your shoes on and go home." Child shouts back "No!" Repeat 20 times in the space of 30 mins The child continues lounging around on the mats, climbing the beam or running around trying to entice the children away. After 4 weeks this is getting on my tits and last week another mother confessed to me she's getting annoyed and looking at other classes.

It is fun though for the remaining 4 children !

They have a great time with games, going on the equipment, it's purely this child that just doesn't want to join in and shouts and screams when it's even asked if it would a turn on through trampoline !

Not for a second expecting Olympic style training

A word of advice - people are not going to like you referring to the child as 'it', unless you genuinely don't know if it is a boy or a girl.

Really good advice to speak to the teacher and tell her that parents, as a group, are not happy with this child's behaviour and if the teacher doesn't deal with it then you will be leaving and finding a different group, which is a shame because you like the class.
Me, I'd just tell the mother to take her damn kids home!

I guess you mean they play on professional equipment? Ours is like that so they get used to the stuff but its just free play over it all.

Pretty much, they each have to take a turn and equipment is rotated each week to try new things, but for instance if child doesn't want to do a forward roll something on the mat they can do something else of their choosing if that makes sense.

I think this is an odd age group for gymnastics. If you have an emotionally young three year old at one end and an emotionally mature five year old at the other they're going to be poles apart. It may not help with the parents being present either - sometimes just their presence distracts the children. At my gym we have 'toddler' classes where a parent must join in with their child and the structure is fairly fluid, and then 4 years old upwards, where the parents drop the kids and collect at the end of the session. Discipline isn't generally a problem. I do feel sorry for the parent whose child is being disruptive if she's paid for ten weeks in advance. Have you had to pay to join British gymnastics as well?

Seriously, people are up in arms about the OP using the term "it" for a child rather than a he/ she, obviously to ensure total anonimity? What's the difference between that and DC? or OP or any other non-gender specific term?

Well No I haven't had to pay anything else.

What about having a quiet word with the teacher and asking if she would consider refunding the mother the unused weeks? Presumably the teacher isn't having much fun either and may rather sack off some money to have an enjoyable class where everyone there gets something out of it? Then it's up to the teacher to offer that to the mother.

BTW I got what you were doing with 'it' You were trying to be anonymous. Don't worry about other posters getting het up.

Don't see anything wrong with 'it' as that's a part of keeping the post anonymous.

Anyway, I digress. It's not fair that one child gets to disrupt the class for the remaining well behaved children. Presumably the teacher is responsible for them all in terms of safety, and whilst the mother is on hand, if she is as wet as you say, can she be relied on to adequately supervise her DC on the gym equipment? I'm guessing not, in which case, the teacher's attention will permanently be turned to the child messing about and the remaining four children will be getting a less than optimum lesson.

Now, excusing SN, I don't think this is on. I'd speak to the teacher at the end and point out that this hasn't been a one off (and all children have off days) - it's been a few lessons now and you want it sorted. The teacher should have the good sense to have a word with the parent. After all, the class isn't full, and if people start to drop out because of this child, the teacher themselves will look bad.

I would ask to speak with the duty manager at the leisure centre, after all, they are running the course. Also, this mums other DCs should not be using the equipment unless they are enrolled in the class.

Good luck.

I suggest having a quiet word with the teacher and see if anything comes from that. I am sure if the teacher knows how parents are feeling they will soon have a word with the mother.

I also agree to ignore people moaning about you referring to the child as 'it'. It is quite clear you are using this as a way to keep the child anonymous.

Well you have revealed the gender in an early post so you could drop the 'it' now. Not sure - speak to the teacher really not the mother.

YABU - stop judging the mother, it's the teachers problem that the child doesn't join in and she's bringing her other kids, speak to her and let her deal with it.

FWIW- So what if your kids do what they say? Bully for you that your kids are more biddable but hers aren't. FGS don't speak to the mother, she bloody knows her kid is a pain in the bum and it will be crushing if you all gang up on her about it.

Surely it is the mother's problem too, wilkos? It seems obvious that she knows her child is misbehaving, otherwise she wouldn't be threatening to take the child home.

I firmly believe that if you issue a threat like that, and the child carries on misbehaving, you need to follow through on the threat, otherwise the child learns they can do what they want, and mum or dad will do nothing.

Wilkos - I don't think the poster claims her dc are more "biddable", just that they have learned that if mum says stop, or we are leaving, and they carry on misbehaving, then mum will take them away from the activity.

I agree the poster should not talk to this mum, but tbh it does sound like the mum needs to follow through, especially as it sounds like she has 3 children who are misbehaving.

Lots if 3 year olds would behave like this. I don't think you should say anything. Just be thankful you have an easy child

Are parents meant to stay and keep an eye on their children at these lessons or leave? We are given the choice with the 3-5 classes and the teacher says children generally behave better if their parents are not there. So it might be that you are both being unreasonable.

If you are expected to stay and make sure your little darlings cooperate then the other mother is perhaps being a little unreasonable. But I also think you need to temper your expectations slightly. If the deal is parents supervise their children whilst they engage in a range of activities and you are supervising your child and she is supervising hers and her 3 year old participates less than yours (which is pretty normal) it really should not affect you. If your DC does play up because she sees another child not joining that is a behaviour in your DC you need to address because, frankly, she is going to see plenty of disruptive DC in the future.

I have this child. DD does dance and just terrorises the village for an hour. She needs boundaries and a structured environment, she is just useless at it. However, I try. It is not her strength. She is getting better, I am helping her. I try to let her disrupt other people as little as possible.

However, some of the parents of naturally biddable, quiet, calm children do spend all their time patting themselves on the back and telling themselves it is their wonderful parenting. Sorry. Most of it is my bloody Olympic standard running, martial arts DH and ILs genes.

YANBU. I've had various issues like this in preschool swimming lessons. 3 is too young to comply perfectly all the time, but plenty old enough to learn that actions have consequences. In swimming, if the kids won't listen or wait safely for their turn, they have to sit on the side temporarily. There were two four yr olds in the class who would misbehave and wind each other up, one mum took a three strikes approach and pulled the kid out mid lesson ( much better the following week) the other hisses empty threats about no chocolate yet every week is there feeding the vending machine at the end of the lesson. She doesn't back up the teacher and the kid gets worse and worse. Thank the Lord he has quit to go to school pity the poor sod who has to discipline him for the first time ever
I would love to be the person who says to the mum "yes, why don't you do that?" but in reality wouldn't have the balls. It's the instructor's place to set some age appropriate ground rules and then expect the parent's cooperation in enforcing them.
No follow through = no respect.

YANBU I have a dc who is 3 and attends dance classes with other 3-5 year olds. There are times when some dc don't engage (tired etc) but not to the detriment of the rest of the class and on the very few occasions that has happened the dance teacher has warned them then asked the parents to take them outside (parents normally leave with red faces at this point!).

The teacher should definitely be your first point of call.

wilkos Tue 23-Jul-13 18:46:57

FWIW- So what if your kids do what they say? Bully for you that your kids are more biddable but hers aren't. FGS don't speak to the mother, she bloody knows her kid is a pain in the bum and it will be crushing if you all gang up on her about it.

DS1 was the Pied Piper child you describe. Luring all the good little children away from the teacher towards mayhem. We'd try classes like the one you describe but it never worked. Frankly, at the time, it was shit and very isolating. I gave up after a while and stuck to playgroups where he could happily go off and do his own thing and not have to fail at the organised fun. And felt much better about it all.

It's the teacher's job to help the mother though, definitely not yours OP.

The whole point is that the mother is threatening to take the child home, if she doesn't follow this through then her child learns that she won't face any consequences. If the mother has an unbiddable child, who doesn't do anything that they are told, then there's one very simple reason, they know that there will be no consequences, it's a vicious circle.
If the threat doesn't work, and it WON'T work if you don't follow through, then there needs to be a change of approach to the behaviour.

FWIW, this woman could be my DSis with my DN. She continually makes empty threats to DN which undermines her authority. TBH before DN was born I had the perspective of the OP towards mums like this, as my DC have like the OP's always been fairly good kids.

But among one hundred and one other things, what it boils down to is my Dsis lack of confidence in her parenting, which is heartbreaking as she loves her DC and would very much like to "get it right" in the eyes of other mums and have the "easy" DC who will do as she asks. I fail to see how another mum taking her on face to face, thereby humiliating her, when there is a teacher who is being PAID by you to do so is just madness in my eyes.

It will just hurt. If that is your intention OP then go ahead, but think carefully as to whether that is any kind of victory worth having.

You've accidentally revealed the gender anyway, might as well just say it now.

Speak to the teacher. It sounds like the child is just too young atm for such a structured environment. If the teacher refuses to do anything you know he's a crap teacher and you're best looking elsewhere.