To not allow my friends to use my house for a party?

[GiantHaystacks]

I have a friend, let's call her Rose, and she is always volunteering me for things and putting me on the spot with people. Usually this means I end up (resentfully) going along with things I have no wish do do and sometimes this means I say 'no' to things and have people think I am a bit of a cow. I hate that I am always being put in these situations not of my own creation.

Example 1 of Rose's behaviour - I bought a new dress for an important work event. It was way too expensive but I loved it and knew I would be wearing it for years. Another friend was going to a posh wedding and didn't have anything to wear. 'Don't worry,' Rose said. 'Giant Haystacks has just bought a lovely new dress. She'll let you borrow that.' So even before I had worn the dress myself I had to lend it to someone else or look unreasonable.

Example 2 of Rose's behaviour - Another friend was going away on holiday for two weeks and wanted someone to pop into her house and feed her cats. 'Don't worry,' said Rose. 'Giant Haystacks works from home. She'll be able to pop over twice a day and do this. Why don't you ask her?' On this occasion I refused (and felt terribly guilty) but the friend lived miles away and I am massively allergic to cats. You could see the friend thought I was being a selfish cow as Rose had made out to her that this would be no problem for me.

The latest event might just be the last straw. Another friend wants to have a massive barbeque and garden party for her husband's fiftieth birthday but only has a small back yard. 'Don't worry', said Rose. 'Giant Haystacks has a great big garden. Why not hold the party at her house? That way you can make it a surprise party.' The two of them planned away and presented the whole thing to me as a fait accompli. The thing is, the Monday after the party I have an important work deadline to meet and I know I will need to spend that whole weekend working. I told them this and Rose said ( I am not even joking here) 'Well, you could just stay in your bedroom. We'll do all the work.' I couldn't believe the nerve of this and still said 'no' and now the friend is acting like I am the bitch who is spoiling her husband's big birthday plans. I was so annoyed that they had spent a couple of weeks planning a party at my house without even thinking they had to ask me first.

Rose is an old friend but not someone I feel I have anything in common with anymore. She makes a lot of demands on me and my time and places a lot of expectations on me. She seems to think that as I work from home my time is her's and doesn't appreciate that I am not always available to socialise with her whenever she wants me to. AIBU in wanting to shake her off and how do you think I could do this?

[minkembernard]

fair point Wbdn28 but to be fair Rose is offering the OP's property our behind her back.
I would suggest doing both- saying to Rose you are not on but also letting other people know she is not happy for Rose to lend her stuff out and finding out how other people feel about it instead of assuming everyone else is fine about it and she is the odd one out.

[Lancelottie]

Ah.

Lightbulb moment.

Is Rose actually your mother/big sister/MIL?

Any of these would think it was just fine to tell random strangers they could use my garden/dress/kidneys, without asking first.

[EldritchCleavage]

Crikey, I would go ballistic if a relative did that to me. I mean, with non-family members one might feel a bit constrained in the telling-off, but family? Hah!

[Lancelottie]

I'm not saying I'd be happy about it, Eldritch -- just that I wouldn't put it past them!

[EldritchCleavage]

Oh, sorry, I wasn't implying you were being weedy about it at all. I just read your post and thought of evil SIL (the only one who would pull a stunt like that, thank goodness) and imagined how much bigger-than-a-nuclear-explosion my reaction would be!

[apatchylass]

Sorry - haven't read the whole thread but I think you need to bat it all back at her and if anyone asks you, say: Is this Rose again? She's always volunteering me for things I can't do without asking me. I'm afraid this won't be possible but maybe Rose herself can give you a hand with feeding your cats, lending you clothes, throwing your husband a surprise party.

Then just tell her to always check with you first before volunteering you. She sounds a bit daft.

[KoalaFace]

Wow! What a thread.

I hate Rose. She sounds like an effing nightmare.

She sounds toxic. I think she's displaying the control she has over you. She wants to feel like she has you under thumb and by getting you to do things for other people she is displaying to them that she is the boss of you.

I think you have to get yourself good and angry. Tell her it's completely unacceptable for her to volunteer you and your things and that if she carries on you'll have to cut her out of your life.

And when you have said no to your other "friends" if they haven't been completely MORTIFIED by their assumptions then they are hideous too.

[minkembernard]

*
Lancelottie * maybe Rose is your SIL

[RenterNomad]

Behind-the-back bitching is required, to cover all the people Rose might impose on Haystacks; otherwise, it's just catching up with her spree!

Haystacks, may I just note that you did a great thing in naming this person Rose: so generous to allow us all this punning fun!

[whiteandyellowiris]

ive had this before, you just have to be firm and say no

it does make you feel like a bitch

and tell rose your perfectly capable of volunterring yourself for things if you wish to

[PramelaAftersun]

Is this thread for real? OP, are you, Rose and the wife-of-the-man-whose-fiftieth-is-imminent all fifteen years old?

[SarahAndFuck]

Rose is a selfish nutcase.

The proper response to anyone who tries to emotionally blackmail you with "This could be my last Christmas" is "I shall miss you...can I have the good china/silverware/Picasso original once you are gone?"

The thought of Giant Haystacks buying a new dress and lending it out for a wedding has cheered me up no end

Ditch Rose. Even if she is your mother.

[cloudskitchen]

I think you should email her a link to this thread, tell her its about her and then maybe she'll realise she is teensy bit unreasonable

[mistlethrush]

I do think that you should turn it round on her...

No, that's not convenient for me - however, I'm sure that you, Rose, could accommodate it in your garden / have something suitable in your wardrobe / could go round instead ....

[BMW6]

I wish the OP would come back to respond

[formicadinosaur]

Start volunteering rose for things. Here I've said you will bake a cake for little toms birthday tomorrow etc

[formicadinosaur]

Also when people approach you saying that rose suggested you do x or x, roll your eyes and explain that and is constantly putting you forward for things you can't do and she just won't stop

[alwaysinamuckingfuddle]

Bleedin' nora! What is the matter with people?

Grow a backbone and stop letting her walk all over you. She obviously doesn't give a fig how you feel about offering to loan your new dress/garden to random people. Why should you care if you offend her?

You just don't need people like this in your life.

[Thepursuitofhappiness]

Bit annoying all the people telling OP to stop being a doormat, just say no, grow a backbone etc...

I think she is saying that she has been saying no (in 2 out of the 3 scenarios), its just that when she says no she is perceived to be the selfish one - lose-lose situation.

Sounds like it will be hard to shake off Roae if she's part of the wider group of friends. You have to have it out of her straight that these situations are unacceptable, maybe have this conversation in front of others - any reasonable person would see Rose is being an idiot.

[scottishmummy]

Yes lets labour the etiquette of not offending rose.op is a well mannered doormat
Her inability to say no (for whatever reason) has meant she imposed upon,treated badly
Op do take a more assertive stand,and have think why what can you do protect self it be vulnerable to users

[FruOla]

So ... what have you done about 'Rose', GiantH?

[IAmNotAMindReader]

You need to be really angry about this, not meekly apologetic when she does it. This makes it look like you knew all along and are now backing out.

Turn it round and be offended each time she does it and say to her "What makes you think you have the right to offer this to people without even considering to ask me first?"

To the person involved "Look, I'm sorry this has left you in a tight spot, but Rose has done this kind of thing before, she didn't check with me first and its just not convenient. I'm sure you understand"

Rose now looks like the loon she clearly is.

To Rose when she pulls the "Is that any way to treat a cancer sufferer?"

retort with "How many cancer sufferers do you think would be disgusted with you using your illness as leverage?"

Seriously get rid. The other one sounds no better but may have been lead a merry dance by Rose. Tell her Rose never ran things by you once and you are fed up with her constantly assuming she has the ok to do this when you're the one who looks the twat when your standing there with it sprung on you in front of everyone.

If she has any decency she'll back down, if not that's bitch number 2 on the ditch list.